Do you know if anyone has ever healed from Environmental Sensitivities and FM? I mean, I know that's what I've been 'diagnosed with'- but since the fall out from all of the treatments I have done, I really don't know what else I have at this point. I just know that I'm highly sensitive and feel like I'm falling apart- I just don't know if that would change anything in terms of 'treatment'.
What really REALLY set me off last Friday- which, btw, until then I was doing well (better) for about a week, in terms of food and juicing, trying to do a quart a day. As hard as it is for me to actually make juice- just physically I have to really push myself- when I do, I definitely notice a difference. It helps hydrate me, which has been a major issue lately- I'm so so so dehydrated, and I am not sure why. My hands are just cracked and it's been like this for at least a week- plus it's hard for me to drink water, yet when I am without it, like if I go out, I can easily drink several quarts and still be thirsty.
A friend of mine sells those Enagic water machines- they structure the water, so it's apparently very alkaline and hydrating for the cells. He wants me to get one, but it's too expensive. It's like if I put a down payment on one, I'd be doing that, and nothing else. Though he claims many people have had major improvement in pain issues, cholesterol and the like- he even said it cleansed the colon and apparently people have been tested before and after using it for a while, and this was true. I just don't know if a month of doing highly Alkaline Water versus doing a month of juicing can even compare? Hmm.
Back to what set me off on Friday- I had received an e-mail from the doc I'd gone to see in Vegas over the years- the one who claimed he could heal me from EI. The one I spent my savings on, and put myself in debt- and then spent years moving and consulting with his deciples- only to be left sicker (or at least comparably ill) to when I started. He totally blew me off at a very critical time right when things were not working- didn't respond to e-mails, didn't say a word. He literally picked up and moved to Germany.
So I get an e-mail from him (a forward) advertising his services in Germany. My jaw hits the floor- he hadn't responded to THREE emails I'd sent last year, which took me over six months to actually write because I was so compromised- like I couldn't even write an e-mail! He just ignored me. So here I was on Friday, I was doing well for a week, I was going through detox emotionally and physically- and then I get this e-mail. I then spend a good couple of hours crying and reliving the last 6 years on the phone with my best friend. I was crushed, I was just crushed. I then ate to comfort myself. I had chocolate, just a bit, but it was enough to cause an issue.
I then woke up the next day and wrote a long email to the lady who told me to go to him in the first place. Her name is Kathy, she's a friend (I mean I think we are friends) and we have been in regular contact over the years. Her daughter got better doing these treatments, and Kathy does them herself. When I went to Tucson 2 years ago, Kathy did follow up treatment with me, after my last sessions with Vegas guy (that had failed). By this point she couldn't really help me- I mean I just wasnt responding anymore. The I sprained my ankle, then other personal stuff happened- basically as much as I loved Tucson, all I remember is being in bed, and fighting for improvement from everything.
So I e-mailed Kathy, trying to understand. Asking questions about these treatments, and why did they put me on Atkins? Why did they expose me to toxins, on purpose- like everything that made me sick- in order to 'heal' me? Why is it okay to eat dairy, especially conventional? Or tap water, why did they have me drink it, because my body could 'handle it'? I mean, these questions are valid, no? I don't care WHAT the treatment is, if I lost everything, gave my whole life to trying to be 'normal' and the whole thing blows up in my face- especially NOW that I KNOW better...aren't I allowed to ask questions???
Our exchanges did not turn out well. She's one of those people who studies Abraham Hicks, and does work with EFT, and basically she always ALWAYS turns it around to being something 'emotional'. She knows my family history, she knows my food issues- basically she knows everything about me. So it's easy for her to do that. She wouldn't talk about Vegas doc in any negative way, nor the treatment. The more I pressed her, the more she would just deflect, and the more angry, hurt, fuming I got! I don't know how to handle the incessant emotional hell that all of this has/is causing me. I don't think anyone understands that it haunts me every single day- every minute, every decision- every time I get sick and end up in bed for days- every encounter with a family member who thinks I am crazy- ALL of it. My failure to make things work is like a scarlet letter on my chest, and the fact that I am still so ill is fodder and leverege for everyone who ever accused me of being crazy.
I'm not crazy. I wish there was a pill, but there's not. I don't know if that's a consolation- all the times I COULD have taken a pill for pain, and all the prescriptions I COULD have taken for my gut, for fatigue, depression, etc. I never took anything. Maybe some advil for my period once or twice, and a few blue pills to sleep way early on. My strength and pride has come from dealing with so much pain, and not even flintching. But it's killing me. Absolutely.:(
So, I was pretty much in a comatose state all weekend, and most of this week. On a roller coaster with my blood sugar. I honestly felt like an alcoholic. I don't think I even ate a vegetable the whole time. I did end up eating a lot of chocolate, some carbs, some dairy and canned soup. I had soda too. I never have soda, but I had soda. It's totally completely out of control, suicidal behavior, and I know it. I can't ask for help, I'm not allowed to say what is really going on, and my extended family, by all accounts, just wants to pretend like I dont exist. So I eat. I don't know why, I just do. I always have. I then have to deal with the consequences and they are very bad consequences.
So, for someone like me to juice fast, and go into that mind set- I HAVE to have everything else in my life be REALLY really stable. No drama, no fighting (which is a constant at my house)- no running out of groceries and not being able to go out, no nothing. Just calm. And rest. And non judgement. And peace. I've never had peace in my life- not even when I was living alone. Because it's so ingrained in me. It's part of the toxic issues I have- I am trying so hard to be okay being alone, and being with myself. But...I spend so much time alone already, I don't know if I'm actually harming myself this way.
I needed to say all of that. I also have to say that I don't think I can do EFT. Because of my history with Kathy, and her pushing me to do it (I did it off/on while I was being treated) -I just can't. It actually makes me MORE emotional because I associate it with unfinished business and being taken for a ride, being let down.
I do have a question: For years I have been wanting to write a letter to my extended family telling them the truth. I also want to ask for help, but I don't think they want/can help me. I tried with a couple of uncles, and they pretty much ignore me. It's more painful to be rejected, but I feel like there is way too much backlog in my life- and anytime I think of anything/everything that has occured- I only feel memories of pain. I don't have any memories that don't involve massive struggle or pain. I just don't know what to do with that.