I'm sorry. :( Those are the first words that come to mind lately, whenever I'm lacking what to say. I feel like I ask for help, and then I don't follow up, and I really would hate to become like 'the boy who cried wolf', you know?
I mean, I don't want to act or sound like a hypocrite, and I do feel like I am lately. I have studied, I have listened, I have tried (and failed)- I take full responsibility for all of that- and still, I can't fix this. Okay, I FEEL like I cannot fix this- I could be wrong, but it is so hard to see the forest for the trees from where I am standing.
I'm angry a lot, and I tend to take it out on myself. I also cannot understand what is going on with me 24/7- so I bandaid stuff. Every cell of me is on revolt, it seems, so what 'seems' like a good idea now, is often NOT in a bit.
You are correct, Im lost somewhere inside of myself. I know I'm still alive, still standing, still having hope and dreams and wanting to burrow through this immense pain- but I'm trapped. Literally and physically, I feel trapped.
The variables, are pretty much the same. Only I feel weaker, if that's possible. My resolve to 'push through' has dwindled. Perhaps the AF, perhaps it's just that finally I can't bypass my gut or my liver, or my symptoms any more- my body is too smart after all:)
I made it my life to pretend I was okay, even when I was not. Then when I was better- in my mid twenties, when I did energy worked that helped me greatly- I'd say I ws 85% better for a while- I just picked up my bootstraps and gave 110%, because I had to. I was young, there was 'no reason I should be sick'- and you know, life goes on. But I was never Well...my symptoms were just under control, until I pushed too hard and then they spiraled out of control. Then I spent the last 6 years trying to find my way back- but life, age, finances, my body- it's like one thing after another until I'm 90% immobile and you know what I finally realized this weekend? Me who thinks my brain has been maybe *somewhat* still intact through all of this..
I Am Depressed. :(
I would never have said that before, but my behaviors lately have proven it to me. I've been so ill, and so consistently, and felt so detached from this world, from life, from people, and from my true self, that I am truly, now, depressed. I don't know how/if I can get out of it.
I keep thinking of the IP. I keep trying to figure it out. I want to do it on my own. But if I stay here at my folks and do it, it's going to be quite difficult. We don't have laundry facilities and I don't have a bathroom. Technically yes, if I wanted to, I could work around anything- but, But...I don't know. The family stress, issues and personality conflicts is what scares me the most.
I have thought about leaving. Rent is high now in the city, and apartment sitting hasn't turned out like I had hoped- I haven't found a place yet. In my head I think, oh well, I'll just get a place and then fast for a month- but am I in any condition to do that? Im not sure. I might go crazy, or I may be healed! lol, those are great odds eh? lol. :)
Truthfully, all I can say for sure is that the last month and a half, for me, have been hell. Yes, I am housed, I am not in a third world country, or being raped, or without food- I am greatful to at least be free, and young and still have some of my wits. I just never wanted to admit how physically disabled I was :( It's just so obvious to me. I lay in bed thinking/dreaming and planning of what I will do today, what I will 'make myself' do, or go or whatever. It's never anything big, it's like groceries, bills, errands, etc. But once upright, I realize how little energy I have, and how foggy my brain is. It's not even about the weather, which is hilarious to me. It's been real winter here, and although that can be a concern, I know it's just me. It has nothing really to do with anyone or anything else...I have an illness, I'm not coping well, and taking care of myself has become my life. And I still fail at that.
I think also that I have over-used enemas and CE's the last little while. What I mean is that- they have become a crutch. I do not consistently get good nutrition into me, and unfortunately, my bowels are still inflammed, unhappy and I'm not having regular bm's. There's a bit (or a lot) of eating disorder behavior within me, since I had a chidhood of dieting and starving. I never thought it would come back to haunt me, when I needed nutrition the most- meaning, when I got sick, it was my gut first, and it's been over a decade of coping with the fact that no matter what I eat, it could/would make me very ill. Food is a battle for me. I just never know, even when I am doing 'well'.
I don't know if I have actually answered anything! I am sleeping/resting a lot. I've got possibly an ear/sinus infection. Also just generally inflammed- this is all my fault, I'm not saying any differently. I just have not been eating well or taking care of myself.
I'm not sure what anyone could say to me, unless I could figure a way out. I do believe I can get well- but the pain I'm feeling- mostly from not having my family with me, and not knowing how/if I should ask them for help (when they seem to be stressed and unsupportive)- just seems to be the root of all of this. This pain is the original pain, and I've been sick so long that everyone has sort of written me off- I don't really exist, and I know that. So maybe I'm just letting myself succumb, I don't know. Again, I never thought I was depressed, but I am seeing it now.