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anonalon Views: 790
Published: 9 years ago
 
This is a reply to # 1,738,165

Re: can't sleep


Thanks guys for writing that . I was so embarrassed that I posted that. Thank you for the support and understanding. I changed my username because I did not want him to look on here and know which post was mine. But oh well. I don't care too much now.
The odd thing is for the last 2 weeks I have had the strongest feeling that there was someone else he liked. I guess it's a woman thing to be intuitive?

To be fair to him at the end he wanted another chance but I made him leave anyways. I don't think I can go back. I feel betrayed. According to him nothing is happening between them he just really thinks she's beautiful and is attracted to her and they discuss movies. Isn't that enough?

Ha! I already know what they were discussing. There is a movie that was recently released that one of his friends had a small part in. He was so shocked that she was in it. I'm sure he had a good ole time discussing that with his new pretty girl.

No wonder I freaked out the other day about my looks after watching that documentary! He has made me feel so ugly the entire time we were together! One of the first things he said to me when we were dating is that If I got my "shoulders done" I would be hot. Who gets their shoulders done????? There is nothing wrong with my shoulders. It's just that I was not super slim and my bones were not sticking out!

Then when I was losing weight one time my clavicle bones were very prominent. He didn't make the comment at me but let me know on someone else that it wasn't attractive. Which means it wasn't attractive on me.

With him I'm damned if I do and damned if I dont and never good enough. The funny thing is before my recent thyroid weight gain. I use to get loads of compliments every day from men and women. I dont understand. I don't think if I was that unattractive that I would have gotten all of that attention and it was an all the time thing! One day we were driving through our community really slow and i had the window down and my hand sticking out we were driving by a bunch of teenage boys and a boy ran over to my car and touched my hand and yelled to the other boys, "I actually touched her hand!" My husband thought it was funny and said I must be some sort of celebrity around there. The funny thing also, is things like that happened all the time no matter where we went. But he never found me attractive. He said I was 20 percent attractive to him at that time! I could understand now, but not then. And then wasn't too long ago.

Don't get me wrong i'm very confident in myself. Just not when it comes to what he thinks of me. Even being overweight now, I don't hate myself. I realize it's just part of life living with this illness But just a few short years ago I was not this weight and I still wasn't good enough for him. I'm starting to think there is really nothing that bad wrong with me and he either was afraid from all of the attention I was getting and so refused to let me think i might be attractive, or he is just that picky. Or both.

Anyhow, I can't continually keep living like this. I think I would have left him many times already but how? I've been so ill.

The sad thing is that I tackled him. If there is anything I advise you guys not to do, is tackle your husband when your ill. I thought i was going to die! My throat and chest got really tight, my heart was beating like crazy I became so weak and trembling. I really thought that was it.

I feel at this moment not sorry at all for cutting all of his clothes up and his new jacket. I don't feel sorry for ripping up all of his art work that he's been saving most of his life and it meant so much to him. Normally I would feel bad and remorseful. Not now. And yet I feel really scared and like I was just punched in the gut.

Oh well, I guess life goes on and I will get over it.
 

 
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