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Re: Can't take life anymore
 
Shattered Soul Views: 5,195
Published: 11 years ago
 
This is a reply to # 1,724,723

Re: Can't take life anymore


I get what ur saying, itís hopeless but I have to try my best to solve this. I've gone through periods in the past 7 years were Iíve maintained a healthy diet, and the problem still hasnít gone. Thatís part of the reason why I started using drugs and alcohol when I was 25, just as an escape and to give myself some happiness even if itís just for a short period of time atleast it gives me some relief. I never even did drugs or got drunk until I was 25 but I just reached a breaking point at that age.

The worst part is I know I have to do it alone, my family, even though they love me doesn't understand.
And the last time I went to see a doctor about this, as soon as I walked in the two people sitting at reception just gave me such a horrible look of disgust, and starting making that sound with their nose that I'm so familiar with by now.

When I explained to the doctor what was happening he was just shaking his head, pretty much thought I was crazy or just dirty. He just gave me an antibacterial soap and a multivitamin, even after I explained to him that before I came to him, I took a shower and used 3 different types of soap, a face wash, shampoo, deodorant and put on clean clothes and underwear.

I even asked if I could be tested for TMAU because that might be a possibility, but he said you don't have a fish smell? He told me I probably didn't have tmau because I smelled like feces, not fish. But the thing is I've read articles that said people with TMAU have a feces smell most of the time, not a fish smell. When I insisted that I probably should be tested for TMAU he just sighed and said quietly without even looking at me, I doubt that would help.

He gladly took my money, but he was annoyed that I came to him with this problem which is a legimate medical issue that has destroyed my life. the people at the Doctor's office seriously thought I shit myself and were telling me I could use the washroom if I wanted while I was waiting. They said this to me more than once even after I told them it was alright, I donít need to use the washroom. I told the doctor that the feces smell comes out through my pores when I sweat and it can fill an entire room. But in his opinion and the opinion of every other human being I encounter on a daily basis, the problem must be bad hygiene.

It angers me so much that not a single person, educated people I work with, not even doctors can comprehend that this might possibly be a medical issue that is beyond my control and not my fault.

Iím such a passive person, and really nice to everyone regardless of how they treat me, but even still not an ounce of empathy or understanding from a single person.

In the job I had before the last one, when I got my performance evaluation, one of the points on it said, 'tend to personal hygiene'. When my manager met with me to discuss the evaluation he was suggesting to me products I could buy that would help. He kept insisting I try these products even though I told him I use hygiene products and get my business clothes dry cleaned every week. This guy had a masterís degree in a Science related field, and even though I explained to him that it is an internal problem, not a hygiene problem, he kept insisting I try these hygiene products. If someone who is educated, a man of science, can't even comprehend the possibility that this might be a health issue and not a hygiene issue, then what hope is there for any of us? What is the point of getting a job if the so called other humans we work with just destroy us mentally? I know I will never be the same again even if the odour eventually does go away.

One time we had a meeting and a task was assigned to me and three other people, and the manager said, itís going to be the 3 of you and a Ďlittle sh*tí referring to me. The other people in the meeting just either laughed or cracked a smile. This guy was the damn manager.

In the last job I had some of the people I worked with would take pictures of my ass with their Cell Phone , and text it to others. They always thought I shit myself. After a week and a half, during lunch I wouldnít even go to the eating area or eat anything, I would just go to the washroom and hide in a stall until lunch was over. In the beginning when I did go to the lunch area I would sit at a table, people would come to the table and sit with me and pretend to be friendly and then do things like raise their fingers and tap their noses, shake their head, make comments and all while I was sitting right there with them.

Even when I would sometimes sit away from people and try to eat by myself in peace they would pretend to be friendly and call me over to sit with them, and then give me those looks of disgust and make comments. This is after they knew I had a bad odour. Why would they pretend to be nice to me and then once Iím sitting near them they do and say things that just destroy my emotional well being. Itís almost like they got some kind of sadistic pleasure from it.

I don't have a car and when I take the subway or buses, people sometimes just look at me and say things like what a piece of s or disgusting. A group of people one time even told me that if I didn't get off at the next stop they would beat me up, and they were making comments, harassing me, trying to intimidate me all the way to the next stop, and when I got off people were clapping. It's just destroyed me emotionally, and I know even if I do eventually find a solution I will never be the same again mentally.

It's so hard for me to fall asleep with out something to completely numb myself at night. The past few nights I just lie in bed and keep thinking about all the humiliation and degradation I've experience, being totally despised wherever I go and no matter what I do, and itís impossible to fall asleep.
 

 
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