You all have to forgive me for posting, I just need to vent. I honestly don't have a lot of people I trust enough to talk to in my real life- I do have one, who has been an absolute blessing, but I feel like I can't unload on him all the time.
I'm going to do a Liver Flush tonight, so I will be 'all better' in a few days- I don't mean that literally, I just know that when I've been in a loop of bad experiences/negative emotions for a while, a Liver Flush seems imminent, and possibly the only was to really 'move things around'. I normally do them every week anyway.
You all know about my family, it's nothing new, lol. God, I wish it didn't always come back to this point:( I really wish this was about my health. I know, from the bottom of my heart that my healing would have taken place a LOOOONG time ago, if only I had had the right environment and support. I am always fighting, and the phrase 'I surrender', which I find wonderful and romantic and appropriate when we have no idea what to do about a situation- but if I surrender, I am going to die. I'm a fighter because I have no choice, which has led me to Adrenal Fatigue and MCS. I know this. You cannot live a life like I have lived and not get sick.
Basically no one talks to me. It's for the best. I keep telling myself,'Teresa, if they did talk to you, you know they would be yelling and blaming so don't complain'. But I keep wanting to ask for help. Yesterday I started a yeast issue again, I am either releasing it, or having an infection, could be both. I did the garlic insert almost every day this week and it helps, but I have been on this roller coaster ride of if I do nothing, it comes back within days to a week. I know my gut is still a mess, I know I have so much to do, but I am always fighting. I woke up late today, I was obviously, very very in need of rest. I know that's a good thing, to rest, but I don't have the time. I then felt like I really needed to to a coffee enema, so I did. That's a great thing, right? I am taking care of myself. But again, TIME. I don't have the time. I am always fighting time.:(
So, I didn't make it to the store. I wanted to get a bottle of echinacea to tide me over until I can order from Uny. I wanted to try out some pau d'arco and Black-Walnut hull too. I wanted to run, I got ready, but I didn't make it. I then called another store, and they were still open, but they are an hour away so I knew I wouldn't make it. So then the inner turmoil begins. My brain and body are so tired, but if I don't get SOMETHING done today I will hate myself.
So I get ready anyway. I figure I at least will go through with the flush. I will go out, get some lemon and some apple juice, then come back in an hour and do it. Then my grandparents come home as I am getting ready. And I want to cry. I want to yell and I want to scream- WHY ARE YOU IGNORING ME? WHAT DID I DO? WHY WON'T YOU LET ME LEAVE?!
It's absolutely the worst feeling in the world, because I go through this every single day. The trying, the getting ready, the getting stuff to juice, the trying to just get my feet in the ground at the end of the day, the timing the enemas, the trying not to give up, the taking care of my leg- and then I have no one to talk to. And I can't leave. And the house is toxic, and I feel helpless. And then I go, ok, I am 31. How much longer can I do this? Factually, is the point of my life to suffer in silence and just 'get through'.? And then I go, NO. I KNOW that's not the point. I have gained enough wisdom to KNOW exactly what the point of my life is, and what I NEED to do. But I ask myself, and I ask anyone who is wise, if factually, I cannot accomplish this, WHAT IS THE POINT?
I know it's sad. I don't want pity, believe me. I am so so past any of that. I am just very very sad. I go into my flush absolutely heartbroken every single time because I know that it's going to send me into a million emotions in the next few days that I will have to process on my own and try not to get in anyone else's way. This is why I have given up so easily in the past. It' just seems like as fast as I can rid my body of crap, new crap will settle in because of the circumstances.
Again I am sorry to share all of this. God knows, everybody here has their struggles. I just feel like my situation really, really is hopeless sometimes. And it's not for lack of want. I've been vegan with no slip ups all week, juiced 2-3 quarts every day except today and know that my body is doing a lot of work. The thing that has been worrysome is my chemical sensitivities seem to be worse, I think my liver has just been processing so many things and detoxing and that's why I feel it so much more. I do hope this flush helps:)
Thanks a lot everyone, for listening. If I ever make it through this, I have a whole lotta people to thank. I really, really do:)