It was SO SOOOOOOOOOO helpful for me to talk to you as well yesterday. I look forward to talking again soon. Thank you for this thoughtful reflective post. I believe you are literally right that the "cloud of depression" is caused by food... where there is a bacterial/fungal dysbiosis in the body, food feeds this and the microbial overgrowth occurs or flares up and has its neurological effects (anxiety, depression).
It is great to read about your exercising and I will try doing this myself!
I hesitate to post this , but I have started a 5-day water fast!!!! AS of 2:20 am today, Friday, 16th. I have some triggering foods left over but have frozen them and have actually preferred keeping the fast, and thus getting the fast over with sooner, to finishing them off! I thought I would , like, have them today, but then I thought, no, i will fast and be done with the fast Wednesday and have them maybe Friday!!!
I have been invited to a formal-dress party August 2nd and this is providing me with incentive to care for myself by fasting and resting, and exercising; and look good!
My post-fast plan is that my triggering foods will be still allowed (not to break the fast with, of course) but eliminated permanently pretty quickly, and I will eliminate them in about 3 days according to a plan that is gentle. ... So I did not go into this fast thinking I had to overeat triggering foods beforehand... this helped me to hold down the size of my "final meal before the fast" last night.
I have been praying for the seriousness and self-love and positivity to make me really able to commit to the sprouts-only diet and I realized 2 things: one, to get this positivity I just have to keep talking about it, posting about it, and sharing about it. If I keep affirming it, I will get it. I realize that I get SCARED when I detect a reluctance in myself to commit to the no-trigger diet for life. I am frightened of the tyranny of my own cravings or dysfunctional desires. But I don't have to be. I am just frightened because it has been so hard for me to know myself -- because it has been so hard for me to share about myself with others -- because of their rejection. I did not dare even know my own self because every time i did something that was not OK with me (ate too much , more than was OK with me), others would try to force me to tolerate what was not okay. So it was not safe for me to share when I was in pain. I would be screamed at for BEING UPSET. So I could not even admit it to MYSELF when I was in pain. I would be anticipating my pain being treated as not legitimate. So I could not even know myself. But now I can dare to know and articulate it when I am in pain. I will begin to know myself and my patterns. I will cease to be a total enigma to myself. I will cease to be caught by surprise by my own feelings and reactions and by my own previously unanticipated failures at fasts. I will anticipate them and need not fear them and they will not be so mysterious. I will see that I can effect change in myself -- that I am not an insoluble problem. I think, again, change can be brought about , the self can be persuaded, by affirmation. So, I affirm I have been given the positivity to give up triggering foods for ever.
Also, I have realized that I can make the sprouts-and-greens-only food plan feasible and workable by blending/straining the greens and even the sprouts and creating fun juices with these foods. Freedom from fruit -- hurrah.