Got through another green day fast. Went through some periods of sadness when talking to people who've known me for years, feeling sort of unavailable and distant. Tried not to feel influenced to eat and not to get upset and avoid all subjects of health even when they brought it up themselves. Telling them I exercised felt like another thing I should have kept to myself.
I feel like one of them wants me there to joke around and sustain the same easy going pattern and to acknowledge their efforts, but to have none of my own and float around or pounce on every moment like a cat. It makes me sad, alone and feeling as if I have no self. But I love them and must take responsibility for this feeling and avoid blaming them at all costs.
Posting at this forum feels like a way to express things about the will to live, to "starve disease" where I wouldn't have the chance with people close to me. It feels like such a relief to have somewhere to share this rather than keep it to myself or unload it on others who have rigid beliefs in the medical standard and would probably react the same way to fasting as a fundamental christian might if you questioned the bearded man in the sky theory.
It doesn't go over well. So I've come to a place where I have to make the decision to separate from others by not eating in front of them and not mentioning sensitive areas of life. At least when I write here, people can choose whether to read or not.
Anyway, I had fun jumping rope, sweating and feeling an unexpected ease, lengthening the time. It helped to manage some anxiety. I didn't get as much done as I would have liked, but at least managed to get through another day 1.
Still hoping to get through 3 months binge free by fasting on the weekdays and doing a modified master cleanse on the weekends, but also have to take every moment as it comes, because I still feel pretty vulnerable in the trenches of food addiction.
I felt really depressed for slipping up and I feel some of my unconventional thoughts need real consideration and incubation before I start babbling about them. Depression makes it hard for me to filter what I say, sometimes.
Based on the past, I would say that the longer I get involved in fasting, the more it will diminish this cloud of Depression that feels almost solely dependent on food. I feel a lot better in my relationships and able to reach out to people more when further along in fasts or when experiencing some freedom from food.
I just need to short circuit my conditioning when I start to feel an overwhelming emotion- to experience it and let go- something that sounds so simple but feels so hard in practice. Meditation helps, support helps, posting here helps. I'll get through it eventually. oh Gos! - I just want to clear a way to discover my purpose in this beautiful backwards world as cross-wired and maladaptive as I appear. I won't just "relax, man. . ." until I do.