Got through another day of modified fasting. Thinking about eating days and how to make the most of an intermittent style of fasting. If eating less than 100 calories on an eating day would make it easier to continue counting the days. I feel as though eating any more than that would suffice to start over.
I still have a tendency to binge and would like to overcome this frightening compulsion and count at least 108 days without binging and to learn to eat in a slow attentive way. I tend to rush while eating, barely tasting anything and then suffering for it.
This never feels okay, even when I did this as a kid and even though I've never weighed on the heavier end of the spectrum. It makes me obsessed with eating because I don't feel nourished by the experience. It also feels like a very dangerous, stupid thing to do. Overeating on a regular basis would feel bad enough. But not eating and then eating as much as possible has killed people in the past.
Maybe because I don't have a lot of weight on me I run into issues with scarcity and fear of starving, but I still have a healthy amount of body fat that could sustain me through it if I let it. Also I wouldn't mind if my metabolism slowed down a little. Food often feels like love and relaxation, a vacation from worry and hyperactivity. But it has too many side effects and doesn't feel very effective in the long run. I might start doing yoga to help care for myself in a more appropriate way.
Yesterday I did more structured aerobics and some yoga in the morning and then rested most of the day. I felt a little depressed after eating the day before having around 2, 500 calories spread throughout the day. But today I feel happier and in a clearer state of mind, looking forward to the day.