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Common sense
 
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Published: 14 y
 
This is a reply to # 1,651,838

Common sense


The problem here is that a person can never move forward on their own healing if they are involved in an abusive relationship - regardless of the type of abuse that they're tolerating.  A victim cannot move onto a healing path while they are constantly feeling that they must defend themselves, their choices, and their actions (to everyone) and, an abuser cannot move onto a healing path as long as there is a victim/whipping-post available for them to unleash on.  Individual healing from an abusive environment is successful only when a relationship is severed and there is no contact, unless a child is involved in the ill-fated union.

Of course, anger is a normal aspect of the human condition - even animals express their anger when they must defend their food sources or correct their offspring.  But, the thing about human beings is that anger can become a very serious disease - DIS -- EASE.  It can become a terrible cycle that taints every aspect of decision-making, as well as an excuse to perpetrate domestic abuse.  Not to put too fine a point on this, but you didn't have post partum depression when you began this relationship, did you?  Post partum depression, to a certain degree, is completely normal, should be expected, and the partner should be tending to YOUR needs so that it doesn't escalate into an uncontrollable depression that requires professional attention.  Perhaps, it is the fact that you chose this person to produce a child with that fuels the depression and his unacceptable treatment of you drives that point  home:  it is quite possible that you may feel stuck with this man with no way out and far from support, family, and friends.  What is it that makes this "sarcastic" man such a keeper?  That he has a job?  Yippee?  That you don't have to work, as well, and be a stay-at-home-mother to your child?  What, precisely, makes this man worth placing your emotional health in jeopardy and your child's well-being at extreme risk?  What does this man do that makes him more important than you and your child?  Does he walk on water when he's not flinging his sarcasm about?

"Lard ass" is not funny.  It wasn't a joke.  It isn't comical.  It isn't humorous.  It's ugly, belittling, humiliating, and degrading - especially, when one is in the throes of post partum issues.  Where is this man's compassion?  Instead of "playfully" insulting you, is he taking the baby off of your hands for a day so that you can decompress in whatever way pleases you?  Or, does he "babysit" so you can take a shower and do you some sort of grand favor by "babysitting" his own child?  He's "trying?"  Trying to do what?  Make you feel crazier than you did before the baby was born?

As Blue Rose has said, there is far more than meets the eye, here.  You are, indeed, defending this man's inappropriate and unacceptable actions.  You are, indeed, dependent upon him to see to your needs and, therefore, unable (in your viewpoint) to see any other viable options other than to FORCE this relationship to be healthy and to work.  And, the only other option that you've mentioned is for you to leave him and find another man to step into his shoes?  From the fire into the frying pan, and your innocent child will be taught how to either be a victim or an abuser.  Just because someone doesn't punch you in the jaw does NOT mean that they aren't abusive.  And, counter-abuse is a textbook reaction - fight or flight.  You feel that you can't leave, so you must fight back to defend yourself, whether it's with words or otherwise.

As a Survivor of domestic violence and abuse, I can clearly see far down the path that you're on.  I've been on the same path and it began with sarcasm and ended up with my wishing myself dead.  All of the advice in the world isn't going to help you - only YOU know what you need to do, and asking for help and then defending your abuser after sound, wise, and reasonable suggestions have been made is going to have to become your own challenge to overcome.  Rather than posting on a public forum, why not try asking your Self the hard questions?  Am I capable of supporting myself and my child?  Do I have a strong network of friends and family that can help relieve some of the burden of caring for my child?  Am I willing to take a risk to avoid raising my child into a perfect victim or abuser?  Am I willing to risk my innocent child's well-being for the sake of security?  Etc.......  Many other hard questions exist, and only you know their answers.

I do wish you the best, but I hope that you will take the innocent life of your baby seriously - an emotionally healthy child does not "survive" an environment of "sarcasm" and constant angst.  Your child did not have the luxury of choosing its parents or the environment into which it would be born.  YOU, on the other hand, have all the choices and options in the world.

Best wishes to you.

 

 
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