So I go to the doctor today, actually he is a naturopath and uses one of those weird feedback machines. He gives me the report and on the long drive home I began to look at it. Among the medical terminology, the words "HATE" and "BITTERNESS" show up. I think about this and I get mad, then I cry, then I pray and ask the God of Love to take this from my soul. It does not go away, I am locked in the mental hell of holding pain from people who s*ck. As a side-note isn't sad that the victimizers keep on victimizing the victims long after the victimization? Sorry for all those V words :).
I am such a good person, a loving person who learned long ago the pain of causing pain to another person. I never did it. I was the empath, maybe an empath because I knew the pain of hatred. When I was young I felt touched by God, not in a religous sense of the word, but one with Him. Then I strayed but yet in Mercy (Love) I had 2 wonderful experiences of the great love. I call him the Gentle Wind, so powerful yet so gentle and loving.
Then I came down with a debilitating disease that causes much pain, both physical and emotional/mental. I learned that pain is pain and that one kind of pain (physical, emotional, mental, spiritual) will affect the other. At least that is the way for me.
I go in cycles and when the pain is painful I began to remember some of the horrible things people did to me. I hate those people, I wish they could feel the pain they caused. I hate them for their arrogance, their words sting in my soul.
You see some people have no concept of the sancity of life, of people. You see I am a human being, I was born with feelings. I am not an inanimate object, I am a person. I hate those who hated me, I did not deserve to be treated like that. I forgive them in my prayers but the pain remains :(.
But what I have learned is that narcasism is to blame. Those who hurt somehow allowed their bent view of themselves to dominant another person's freedoms. A puffed up ego, distorted views and a numb soul. I think they are naive, short-sighted and quite arrogant to think they have all the answers.