You have an excellent faith and direction and I'm sure that has brought you
the past few months without panic attacks.
You and I and everyone else are an eternal spirit - we are not our
bodies. With your faith I'm sure that you recognize that. We can
also come to recognize the spirit we are through the spiritual technique of
grounding, whether during meditation or not, which brings you as spirit into
your body to take control and release anything that is interfering with your
connection to god.
Childhood traumatic experiences are an excellent source of panic
attacks. It's great that you have turned around and faced them because the
terror resides for a long, long, time unless we have an outlet to release them
and if we don't - it's real easy for them to turn into panic attacks.
A few years ago if anyone were to tell me that I had self-hate, I wouldn't
have believed them. Self-hate is simply all the things that we have put
together to cover up our true feelings and the more that we get in touch with
our true feelings of anger, joy, love, hate and all the rest which everyone has,
the more we let go of our self-hate. The "Compassion and
Self-Hate" book, written by an esteemed psychiatrist, gives insight into
these blocks to joy and love and I've used the ideas presented there during my
meditations with beneficial results.