maybe i am just weird
I'm 26 and a few years ago I allowed someone to "couch surf" with me for about six months. I was at first enamored with him and developed romantic feelings and we had consensual sex. We even dated for about a week before he cheated on me with someone else. After that his alcoholism went out of control and he became very verbally and emotionally abusive. He still lived with me though. We fought constantly, he even choked me once until I blacked out. He would steal my phone every time we fought so that I couldn't call the police to have him removed from my apartment. And one time, he raped me. I don't remember the events leading up to the rape. I do remember I said no, and he forcibly pushed me off the couch and...yeah. I tried to act like it was okay for some reason. He knew I was upset and angry but I didn't call the police. I didn't report it. I just tried to forget it, tell myself he didn't know what he was doing.
So then a while back, months ago, I drunkenly told two very close friends about it. Well, I thought they were very close friends. Days ago one of them drunkenly asked him if it was true. Of course he denied it. Of course he did. Why would he admit it? So they believed his word and both called me a liar. Their reason for taking the word of someone who admits to the fights, stealing my phone, forcing anal sex on me, and recently beat up a mentally challenged man over the word of their friend? Because when the word got out about him doing it I told people it didn't happen to avoid the drama. They can't understand why I would deny it to other people after telling them the truth. Or why I would ever still talk to him. But I did. I just tried to forget it ever happened. I told them that. Now that this is out-I live in a small town-the rumors are that I'm crazy and a liar. I now have a small handful of close friends that understand me and the rest aren't talking to me. I've actually been hiding in my apartment for days contemplating why I should live and in fear of what he'll do to me if I venture out.
For some reason this secret being out has made me feel dirtier than I did right after it happened. I should have reported it immediately. I know. But I never wanted to be the girl who "was raped" and now reputation wise I'm the girl who "lied about being raped".
I don't know why I'm posting this here. Just needed to get it out. Does anyone here understand why I would still talk to someone who did that to me? The abuse, the physical abuse, the rape. What is wrong with me? Not anymore, obviously. But I was willing to forgive. Maybe I deserve this. For not reporting it right away. For letting him have the opportunity to hurt other people the way he hurt me.