I realize that you may be busy today (going to hospital, or whatever you've decided to do), but I'm emailing/posting some 'thinks & thoughts' just the same...and apologizing for not getting back to you (past email) sooner.
I'm not quite sure how to start or exactly how to address this/you, because I don't really discern 'I know you' well enough to be able to ascertain exactly what you really need/want right now (as far as "advise giving" - so I'm going to do my best to 'stick to the facts'. And as you're likely aware, I know that sympathy doesn't "do didly" but bury you deeper, so as much as I DO empathize and understand your situation and how brutally harsh & 'bottomless' it likely seems to you right now....I also KNOW that it's not. A typical phrase around this house is "it's no hill for a climber"...and since it seems clear that you want to live (as you're not 'talking suicide') then there's only two options - get better or get worse. And since getting worse is not an option to me, then you're about to hear my 'thinks & thoughts' of what you need to do to get better, and what you're doing (and need to stop doing) that's making you worse.
And just fyi, even though I'm only a few hours away from a degree in psych and a 'couple of handful' of clinical hours away from a license to be a counselor - I do NOT "do" the whole (ridiculous) counseling method of "I don't know, darling...what do YOU think?". Sheesh, if people KNEW what they were thinking or what they needed to be doing, they wouldn't be asking/paying for a counselor :::huge eyeroll::: So when folks ask for my assistance/opinion...they get 'what I've got' :)
#1 Rule when reading my posts - NEVER assume "attitude" or put some type of emotion into my type-written words. If there's some type of emotion or attitude (or implied criticism) attached, I will type it inside :::emotion colons::: like that, or I will use emoticons. Otherwise, my words, questions and comments do NOT have emotions attached to them...even the blunt words, or the emphasizedwords (!!!), or the words that indicate that you're doing (or have done) something harmful to yourself. #2 Rule - emotional issues are no more difficult to solve than physical issues - but most women have a FAR more difficult time dealing with emotions logically & constructively (most women do NOT want to deal with emotions that way, they want to deal with them 'the fairy tale' way...because we gals -typically- do NOT like taking responsibility for our emotions, nor do we like disciplining ourselves emotionally). And it's dealing with emotions in the 'fairy tale way' that likely gets us into 'the mess' in the first place. There are NO SUCH THING as fairy tales and fairy tale relationships in the real world. There are NO "prince charmings", and there is no man or relationship that will 'make you happy' or take away the responsibility we have of ensuring our own emotional health. (But there ARE very real consequences in very real life from treating our body, life & emotions like a fairy tale!) So, if you believe (or want to believe) something other than that, then just stop reading right now...and send me an email/post to let me know. That all being said, stated & rambled. Dr. Schulze has one basic guideline (to which I subscribe)...if you want to get well, then STOP doing what is making you sick, and START doing what will make you better. So along that line of thinking, I'm going to 'do inserts' and tell you what I think you can do to stop making yourself sick and start making yourself better!
I'm having a very difficult time. I have been trying to deal with it on my own, but it's too hard. I have already posted my story here, and there's a lot going on. Yes, there is; yes you are; and it's good you're reaching out for help. But it's not "too hard" for you to deal with, you simply don't have the right tools (or you're not using them if you have them, or don't know how to use them).
I've been in Tucson temporarily with a friend who graciously has allowed me to stay with her for the second time. I have been here 3 months already, and also nursing a sprained ankle along with everything else. I cannot stay any longer, as I am on a visa, and I am leaving Tuesday. So far, I have nowhere to go. #1 - so what have you learned/what do you know about "what happens if you don't return 'home'...and if you DO return 'home' what's the soonest you can come back? What does the law say specifically?
I have e-mailed a couple of friends, and an uncle, all cannot take me in. But if you (above) you were able to cross into 'home' and stay only a day or two before returning, then that's an option? right?You could sleep in the airport or in a 'dive motel', and simply go back in a day or two. Is that a legal possibility? (whether you like the idea or not?) Unfortunately my mother, who is in every way ill herself, will not have me, which is probably for the best because she is emotionally and physically abusive. I cannot take an apartment as I don't have the money, and taking a room is not ideal because I really need to either be with someone who 'gets it' or live on my own. I totally understand about the "mother situation" and agree - and you obviously can't rent an apartment because you can't afford one. But the last statement is a 'red flag'...why exactly can't you 'rent a room' and live by yourself?
I literally cannot do this anymore. I have been bouncing back and forth for years. Pursuing treatments, getting myself into debt, which I am now facing bankruptcy for, and doing things I would have never imagined in order to make money and survive. I agree - if you keep doing the same thing you've always done, you'll keeping ending up in the same place (and generally a "tougher version" of the same place). I realize that your 'pursuit of treatments' (and the failure of the same) wasn't something you planned (so don't 'beat yourself' for past decisions or actions that turned out to be 'wrong'). But DO learn from them and stop repeating...which seems to be what you're attempting to do. Good for you!
I'm 30, I still have a sense of humour, and apparently I still look good. All is well & good on that front! But I am suffering to much. I can't understand why every door keeps shutting in my face. Generally that happens because you're not taking control of the doors. 'Tis only in fairy-tales that life "goes our way" when we don't make it go our way. I had my supposed best friend e-mail me twice in the last few days, not only to deny my request to stay with her for a few days, but she went on to say about how she doesn't want to deal with me, or my health/emotional issues, and that I basically need to depend on myself, she's tired of seeing me screw up, etc...any truth in all that? "Best friends" many times have a habit of knowing & seeing the truth. One thing is 'for sure AND for certain'...you DO need to depend on yourself - there's absolutely no one else in this world upon which you CAN depend.
And all I could do was cry. And cry. I have been collapsing into tears all day. Rejection hurts, there's no doubt about that! And if there was truth in your friends words, then the truth hurt, too. I don't want to go back. Yet, if the law says you have to, then you have to...or you have to figure out some way to get around it - and if you can't find a way to get around it, then you either 'have to', or you have to deal with the consequences. 'Wish I had better news than that :( As ill as I have been, I am safe here. You'll need to explain further, you certainly don't sound very "safe" to me. I have a home here with my friend Dianne. If I wasn't forced to go back, I would stay. I don't know what's going to happen to me, and I'm too weak to keep 'getting by'. Methinks there may be a bit of self-deception perhaps? It sounds to me like you weren't too weak to willingly spend time 'dilly dallying' in a situation you knew would make you worse & exhaust you futher. And now you're even 'worser for the wear'...but now you're "too weak" to even "get by"? Getting by means drinking coffee to push through, well, that certainly makes you worse...and not sleeping because I am a wreck...ditto, and just praying that I can get to the store and walk even though I am having so much pain etc., It means that everything I eat can and likely will make me worse, and spending days recovering from that.(if "the following" is totally wrong, please just ignore it) So let's "get down to the truth" ('this is not an "accusation", it just seems you really may need to answer this...for yourself and for those wanting to help you). If Mister Fairy Tale Married Man Dude called you tomorrow, said he'd come to the realization that he'd always loved you and couldn't live without you, and if you'd go with him to Jamaica for one or two weeks , he would consider starting a meaningful relationship with you (even though you're supposed to be going back 'home') ....you wouldn't be able to go and you would tell him "no" because of your "so much pain etc"??? Or would you go and 'tough through it'? That's important stuff.
And because I'm a "calls 'em as I see's 'em" kinda gal (with a LOT of mileage), I know that just being sick, exhausted and weak can definitely make the sickness, exhaustion and weakness WORSE...especially if one feels they have nothing to live for and no reason to "fight". And in that place it's tough to 'get up the gumption' to take full responsibility for one's health & life and make the right changes - but generally if someone ELSE will step into the picture and make it easier (taking the burden off of us), then we'll somehow manage to 'find some gumption'. Basically what I'm asking you to ask yourself...do you have any gumption left or not - and if you have some, what's it going to take for you to "gumption yourself"?! It doesn't sound to me like you're "so far gone" that you'd willingly allow your family to stick you into a 'poorhouse nursing home' - it seems to me there's some gumption that you could pull out of there...especially if you could get your living situation under control for a few more weeks. What say you?
It means that I have to put myself in situations that could likely make me very sick because there is no one to help me.??? I don't understand. Definie 'what'. Exactly "what" means that you would have to put yourself in a situation that would likely make you very sick? Going "home"? It means that hours turn into days turn into weeks, turn into years where I make the slimmest of improvements, or get even worse. Perhaps you know of something I/we don't about your situation?
I can't do it anymore. I don't want to die. I don't want you to keep "doing it anymore" either, and I certainly don't want you to die. Fill me/us in on this "home/border-crossing" situation (perhaps there's someone that could help if they had more info)...and if you can extend your time here by getting some type of 'medical clearance' at the hospital or a doctor, then "buy yourself some time" if you can...and then we/you can help you to help yourself to strengthen your body and start making a plan for 'what to do next'.
I realize I need to sleep. I am so spent from emotion and what's been happening. My options are not that many right now. I have to stay calm though. Please stop drinking coffee - it's a stimulant that stresses virtually every aspect of every organ of your body....it makes EVERYTHING worse. In terms of cleansing I've been on #1. ON/off #2. I have tried doing just raw foods, then added protein as I get hypoglycemic, and carbs make my sugar go out of control. I cant do just juice, at least not yet, why not? every terminally ill or 'incurable' patient that Dr. Schulze ever had that was on 'deaths doorstep' juice-fasted. the detox and just logistics of it all are too much. I understand the 'ups n' downs' - if you keep a stable level of IF#2 in your body (1 heaping teaspoonful 5-6 times a day), it's very unlikely the issue will be 'detox from juicing'. Diluting the juices with water and 'chewing them' (to mix them with digestive enzymes thoroughly) will make a MAJOR difference with the glucose highs/lows. Did you read this? http://www.vegsource.com/talk/raw/messages/20067.html If you already did, then please read it again. Juicing does NOT stress your body (especially not when used with IF#2) - it STRENGTHENS your body and helps clear your mind. You can't juice for 1/2 a day and judge the reaction as negative.
I will have to write more in the morning. I'm just not doing well. But in terms of everything, I don't know. The chemical sensitivities are what is preventing me from getting a place with someone, like a room. I think I told you this before, but I can't find it (so maybe I didn't). ACTIVATED CHARCOAL - adsorbs all the chemicals...take it by mouth mixed with water or juice (1 teaspoon in EVERY dose of IF#2, or if you're not using the IF#2, then even more...you can take up to 8 tablespoons daily). And an activated charcoal poultice over your liver EVERY night. Coffee enemas every day to cleanse your blood and your liver. If you don't have S. A. Wilsons, get the lightest roast of organic you can find.
If you get to this, I am going to try and sleep. But I am not sure if I will. I am considering going to the hospital tomorrow, I don't know if that will help,as I understand it, you would be going to get a "medical excuse" to delay having to meet the deadline on your visa (???) If that's the reason, and you can pull it off - that's what I would likely be doing (but I wouldn't be letting them actually "treat me" in the horrorspital) but I cannot fathom going home like this. I am toast. In every sense, it cannot continue. I've been "toast" before - being toast really (really!) sucks (there's just no other word for it). But you CAN get through this - I'm sure you 'have it in you'!
I don't know what has been worse, physical or emotional, but it doesn't matter. I just know that the pain is too much for me to bear.Then whatever it is (physical or emotional) I'm tellin you that you NEED to do this as soon as you read this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9l-VDOGqmd4 Watch this, and do the EFT along with her (she'll walk you through it). Start with a set-up phrase that's similar to this (but put it in your own words) Even though I don't think I get through this week of my life...OR...Even though "I'm toast"....OR...Even though I'm too frazzled & exhausted to deal with 'today'...OR...Even though the pain is too much for me to bear. Then tap through the full series with Aila, stop the video and LISTEN to your thoughts. Some thought or 'train of thought' will stand out - such as maybe "Even though the pain of "xyz" is too much for me to bear" ...OR... "Even though I depend too much upon others"...whatever it is, it's VERY likely that when you tap through one series on the 'broad picture', you start getting clues as to the triggers that actually CREATE the broad picture. Every tap is like you're shooting an arrow at the target. Find the targets and 'tap them down'. This will only take 15 minutes or less for the first series. PLEASE DO THIS - because it's VERY beneficial...and if you had the time to read through the absolute MIRACLES that have happened (consistently) with EFT, you'd be very encouraged. Even if you don't feel better, even if it looks stupid...whatever, 'doesn't matter - this WILL give you some relief (and likely some inner-strength and encouragement).
Thank you to all for being so kind. You're welcome, of course. You are loved, Teresa - you CAN get through this!
You know what else?
I have been in love with a married man for over 6 months, and never got over it. I have been treated like shit and could not let him go. Well then, that's definitely one of the things that's making you sick, and something that you can stop doing to yourself. I don't understand why I would do this to myself. Most likely it's one/some/all of the following: because you're a woman that still believes in fairy tales; you think you need a "prince charming" (or some variation thereof) to make your life complete and fulfill your emotional needs; you want someone to love you ...and like most women, you think that if a man gets an erection, finds you attractive and wants to insert that erection, that he must love or care about you; you want the strength he could be giving you (or you think he could be giving you)...and it doesn't feel or seem like you're "doing it to yourself" until each encounter is over - it just feels like 'hope' :( I could be here, dying, and he can say to me factually- he doesn't want to know Exactly, it's NOT "hope"; there's nothing 'real' about it except the pain and harm & stress you're exposing yourself to. It is easier like that. There's nothing "easy" about it to this 50 year old woman. It is just the cherry, it is not the most important thing in my life, but unfortunately, it is what has occupied my thoughts the most. You may think right now it's not 'important', but "looking in" it seems to me like it's hurting you and keeping you from spending your thoughts & energy from doing what you need to be doing (or it's something that you're using to avoid doing/thinking what you need to be doing or thinking). What I would think of, when I was overhwwlmed with something else. I would think, I love him. He loved me. It had to be true. I can think of NO one who would rather NOT'fantasize' when dealing with harsh life situations they don't want to deal with...some fantasize, some do drugs, rich people 'go on holiday' - it never works, the mess is messier when reality hits.
It's not. It was sex. It was lust. It was drama and pain. Correct (and just in case you don't yet realize it fully, it will not change, and it WILL get worse). I don't understand what all of this means. It sounds to me like you're learning a LOT of mighty tough lessons (and not knowing you persoally, there's really no way for me to 'know' this: but it's very possible you're dealing with consequences of past actions). Every action DOES have an equal & opposite reaction...and even if we didn't intentionally make a bad/wrong choice or action, that choice/action will have consequences).
I just know I can't go home like this. I don't know who said this, but it's true: "Every situation is an opportunity to learn & grow, or an opportunity to fail. You get to decide which".
You can get yourself out of this 'downward spiral' Teresa, I know you can (I've seen people get themselves out of worse places that have FAR less 'good qualities' than you have). So you've taken inventory: inventory = "pit of despair". So let's start making plans and doing things to get OUT of the pit. On the physical side: Superfood; Activated Charcoal; IF#2/IF#1; Juices; Coffe Enemas. If you can't juice, then do the rest - I've got everything but the coffee & the juice. On the emotional side: EFT - at LEAST 1-2 hours a day (if doesn't wear anybody out to "tap"). On the 'home situation', let us know the particulars and we'll see if there's anything we can do, think of, or suggest to help. And of course, there's plenty of prayers & good energy on it's way to you from me. Hang in there gal, and get back to us as soon as you can!