You don't need to ask my forgiveness :) Everybody needs help sometimes.
I'm in the middle of a couple of things I can't stop right now, but I should have a 'window' in a few hours.
In the meantime - lay out the pieces...and lay them out clearly.
What ARE your options?
What are NOT your options?
And what MIGHT be your options if you could gain 25% strength/mental clarity?
Also, I'm not trying to 'beat you up' or 'call you to accountability', but I need to know if I'm to help. What exactly (if anything) have you been doing to work on the physical aspects of your health since your last email/post?
And remember - there have been thousands of people every year that have been in far worse "places" than you, and they managed to walk away winners. So grab a box of kleenex, blow out the 'despair', get a cold wet rag, lay out all those puzzle pieces of options & not options (post them please)...and let's get you started climbing out of this hyar pit, rather than wallowing around in it! (I'm sure you're getting tired of it, eh?)
Remember what Dr. Schulze says, "Sympathy comes between sh*t & syphillis in the dictionary, and I never saw it help even ONE of the thousands of patients that came through my clinic!". It's not gonna do YOU any good to wallow in self-sympathy, and it's not going to do you any good if anybody smothers you in it or throws it at you...what WILL do you some good is getting this whole thing out on the table where you can see it, start making a plan and start working the plan. Progress is a PROCESS...and a tiny lil' teaspoon CAN crack/destroy the largest dam!