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To be or not
 

Mercury Detox
Dental work and fillings, not a problem.



Mercury Detox
Dental work and fillings, not a problem.


Chall666 Views: 972
Published: 15 y
 

To be or not


I started beccoming really good friends with a girl around 2 1/2 years ago, when we first moved into halls at the start of uni. After awhile we started going out and things were great for the first year.
Being both of our first proper relationships, yeah we had some ups and downs, but generally things were great on the whole. Come september last year, we moved into a house together in our second year, argueable a regretable mistake as to live with your g/f. But we though id would be fine as it would be the same as the previous year.

However since then, weve argued so much and fought about the pettiest of things, and uptil christmas I just didnt feel like it was working, so we called it quits for most of that period.
Comming back we started talking alot more, and eventually started to date again i guess and have been going out really since late january. Its been really good since then and ive really felt happy with her, until I went out one night in febuary.

Now, ive always had a problem with drink, after afew I just lose my memory for most of the night. Nothing ever bad has happened, but generally I just wake up without knowing what the hell has gone on. The morning after, I went into her room to see her and see was crying - unbenone to me Id hit her 3 times, and pushed her on the floor. Ive got no idea why, and will never really know, I felt distgusted with myself as ive never been a violent person, never hit anyone in my life truth be told. Ive spent almost everyday with her since then trying to appolgise and be nice to her, and try to make it up to her in everyway I can and hopefully let her regain her trust back with her. I quit drinking, not just for her sake but for the safety of everyone, I could have gone to jail for what I done and I dont want it to happen to anyone else. I though everything was going ok, and that we could work through this together, and hopefully have a strong relationship like it once was.

Two weeks on thursday, her grandad died, hes someones shes been very close with for along time, and it greatly upset her. So ive tried to be extra nice to her and just help her along the way. About three weeks ago, she started talking to a guy in her class, he looks alot like me, and they became pretty friendly - talking on msn for like 2 hours a night whilst she was doing work and such. Im not an overly jealous person - but it worried me alittle bit. I started looking at her facebook sometimes (Something I know a person should never do, and regret it deeply.)
Come tuesday was her birthday, and i though we were having a really nice day - took her shopping out in went for a nice meal. Although I fought it slightly funny that she didnt want to have sex as weve always had a very sexual relationship.
On wednesday I went to lessons and stuff, everything was normally - was about to go to bed and went into her room to ask her to come - as soon as i went in she quickly turned her laptop off. Something wasnt right - so for some reason when I came in my room I checked her facebook, and saw she had wrote to the guy that 'I cant believe youve seen me naked'.
I fliped abit - went into her room confronted her then we shouted at each other for about 8 hours, I just wanted to understand why. I found out on monday that he had kissed her, then earlier that morning she had gone round to his house instead of lesson and theyd had sex, and after that she said it didnt feel right and told him that she didnt want to see him ever again. She said that she dosent know exactly why she did it, just that it didnt feel right all this time between us after what I did to her, and that she is sorry for what shes done and wants to make it work between us.
Since wednesday I dont really understand how I feel - sometimes I just get angry because I think about it. Sometimes I just get massivly upset because I dont understand why. Ive been with her alot over the past couple of days and I dont know if its the right thing to do, I dont know if we should be together or if weve just hurt each other to much in the past to make it work and should move on.
I dont know if I could ever trust her again, ive been trying to jump in bed with her and just be nice and kind, either because i want to or just because im supressing it or something. Or wether he actions can be accepted and forgiven because of all the bad things weve gone through together and recent events for her.
I dont know I still really love her - or if im just scared to find another girl because of the whole first relationship thing. And I have pretty low self esteem and sometimes feel like ill never find another girl, espically one that drives me crazy in good ways like her.
I just wanted some advice if anyone could offer some, because really - i have no idea where i stand at the moment. Thanks for your help
 

 
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