May I suggest Mo that if you can afford at least a psychologist (psychiatrist tend to stuff you with pills too much) that you continue looking at this horrible thing as you describe it? Years ago I started an intense therapy and truly I thought I was in danger of dying for it was very hard. But the hard part went away really fast once I gathered the courage to look at my fears straight in the face. I was not conscious of it at the time but I came to realise I felt guilty for a bunch of stuff I was not even responsible for, like my mother leaving us, etc.
The emphasis I want to make is... my subconcious mind took me back to the same physical and psychological pains and used whatever devices necessary (tons of coffee, bad food for the liver, bad company etc. name it!)to bring me back to that "horrible thing" til I decided to resolve it. In other words, I went through years of looking around for relief on one end but kept sabotaging my every effort on the other.
I just know from experience that this "horrible thing" you are looking at is NOT YOUR FAULT.