Cut your losses

I apologize, in advance, for the length of my response.

Aside from financial obligations and the threat of suicide, what is it that keeps you tied to this person? Is it a sense of duty or responsibility for his well-being that makes you stay, or are you hoping that things will just evolve and everyone will spontaneously heal and be happy? Or, are you stuck in a fantasy world where the "positive attributes" that keep you tied to this person are imagined, embellished, or a fervent hope?

I was married to someone who's abuse began under similar methods as yours - verbal, sexual, and financial abuse did not (in my arrogant mind) equal abuse. I honestly believed that domestic violence/abuse was reserved for the uneducated and poor. My arrogance propelled me into denial which opened the floodgate for the rest of the abuse to flow through. Foolishly, I married that man and produced children with him - thank goodness you haven't gone that far and it's just a matter of stiffening your upper lip and leaving.

"im so afraid that he will kill himself if i leave?" Whether this person succeeds in his threats and/or attempts is not your responsibility! This is one of the most miserable aspects of emotional abuse and I Survived it, as well. Placing the responsibility for the well-being of abuser's life upon the victim's shoulders is a classic example of emotional abuse. Nothing you can do will alter this person's methods of control - he WANTS you to feel guilt and responsibility, and, by remaining with him under those conditions, you are giving him exactly what he wants. His refusal to contribute to the financial partnership is another classic example of abuse. And, I will bet a month's pay that you've experienced sexual abuse and didn't know it - being forced to perform acts that you find distasteful or engage in activity when you don't really want to, etc.

You ask how to leave and I will make several suggestions. It's up to you whether you choose to move on and evolve into a Survivor or remain a victim, now that you understand your situation. First, I suggest that you check out the listed sites and Google the phrase, "domestic violence and abuse." Read as much as you can and try adding your State into the search. Statewide and National toll-free numbers are provided for you to seek help. If he hasn't begun beating on you yet, it's just a matter of time, so I would gently urge you to start the process of leaving, YESTERDAY. Call your parents and tell them, frankly, what's going on - don't make the mistake that I did and assume that they will not understand or that you will be ridiculed for choosing an abuser. Ask them for help - however, you need to have a backup plan in case he makes a decision to track you down. NEXT, I would make sure that I had plenty of cash - DO NOT USE A JOINT CREDIT CARD OR JOINT BANK ACCOUNT!! In fact, clean out your checking account and close it, if you can. If it's a joint account, clean it out and go. So many people think that it's mean to do that, but he's the abuser, you are the victim, and you can never look to him for support again, once you leave.

You mentioned that you're in college, so you're at the end of your semester. Whatever funds that you have paid for next semester either need to be refunded to you, or tranfered to another institution. YES, it's a hassle and YES, it must be done in absolute secrecy. Say NOTHING to him about leaving (even if an argument erupts) and say NOTHING to your "mutual" friends - they may attempt to "help save" the relationship by telling him of your plans. NEXT, I might seek an order of protection, ONLY because this guy has already proven himself unstable and could, quite possibly, attempt another suicide and make it a point to take you with him. This happened not too long ago in our area and it could have been prevented if the victim had told people what was going on, or if people had taken the intiative to involve themselves. Finally, DO NOT LEAVE WHEN HE IS THERE. Make certain that he will be gone long enough for you to pack and leave, unnoticed. Take only those things that are completely necessary: birth certificate, social security information, transcripts, and a suitcase of clothing. Anything else that you leave behind can easily be replaced. You, on the other hand, are one-of-a-kind, unique in all the World, and precious to those who love you.

Leaving an abuser is the most dangerous time for the victim - many abusers have resorted to murder in order to maintain possession of their property. They have murdered the victim, the children, and others who might stand in the way of their ownership. The abuser must never suspect that the victim is preparing to leave. Once the victim has left, he/she must do everything in their power to STAY AWAY and never return to the abuser. There are literally thousands of support groups, social programs, and counseling opportunities available to victims of domestic violence and abuse, as well as programs for their children. If the victim makes the mistake of going back, they have sealed their fate and placed their lives (and, those of their children) into the hands of a human being that gets a rush out of inflicting pain, degradation, humiliation, objectification, and dehumanization upon those that he/she perceives as "weaker organisms."

When you make the choice to leave, you will have to also make the choice to never, EVER buy into this guy's promises, pleadings, or threats. He will break any promise that he makes and the pleadings and threats are only used as a method of control. It's NOT about love - it's all about control. He isn't capable of honest, healthy love. What he sees when he looks at you is a piece of property with about as much importance as an accordian file folder. In his damaged mind, you are a non-human - when your feelings are hurt by something that he's done to you, he doesn't care because he doesn't equate you to be human. You will have to be prepared to never look back, either. This is no time for regrets. I had to leave many things behind and I felt some regret until I realized that heirlooms could always be replaced. You may even have to break ties with mutual friends - they, too, will be manipulated to feel responsible for this guy's emotional health.

So, you have a lot on your plate and it may seem so unfair that this revelation comes at the time of year when we should be experiencing peace, goodwill, etc. Things WILL get better for you, my dear, as long as you are willing to evolve into a Survivor and harden your heart and start using your head. Please, check out this site for more on getting tough and Surviving. In spite of its title, it's a great site for women who need to toughen up:
http://www.heartlessbitches.com
And, again, I apologize for the ridiculous length of my response, but there is quite a bit of information that can't really be briefly be posted.

Best wishes to you in your journey. Post back, if you're able. Tweet