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confused
 
- serafina - Views: 2,851
Published: 16 years ago
 

confused


"... but at a point the accumulation of the strains became too painful"
I read it in a book a few days ago, and it couldn't have been said better

god knows how in love I've been with Erik, and how in love him with me, but now it is so often painful, we quarrel all the time, I feel I hate him, I feel he hates me, this kind of things. It isn't always so, but too much so nevertheless, since our son was born. He's 3 years now, if it wasn't for him I would know what to do, I would take distance for a while, stay a bit on my own, and see what happens. We are also having a long trip in US and basically don't have a home to go back to, which doesn't help.

I don't know if I should try more or let it fall apart. I don't know if I'm being a child for wanting things easy and flowing or I'm being a child for not letting go. What's the way to understand if a love is over? When I resolve to divorce I temporarily feel relieved, for then feeling it all wrong because the feelings for this guy are still so strong, maybe not at the moment of romanic love but still of intimacy and that kind of sense of belonging to each other, after having been so close. It's as if there was a river of love and promise still strong down there, but the surface is all a mess and not likely to get any better.

Some strains have always been there, we are both a bit fragile, I found Erik too restless and at times way too particular even for me that love being unconventional, but after a bumpy start with collision of different worlds and inclinations (norway vs italy) we were doing so well. But then we had a child (wanted, but we were not aware of what it would be like) and it's been a nightmare since.

Or should I change attitude? tune in better? my parents were divorced and I don't have really idea of what a woman does to make it all go fine again. Last year I was already in difficulty and Molly (ciao cara) suggested me to be more flirty and it worked really fine, but now things have taken a bit a different shape (worse) and I am too often upset to be willing to do that. Besides he's not jealous of our son, I don't think so. Or maybe he's jealous but in the other sense, that he would like to be so close to him as I am. He is, but he's not too objective on this. He's always got along with cats much better than with humans.

And if we divorced and say, I finally resolved for a place to take as home, so that Lake can have his friends and everything, what would happen of Erik and Lake? would Erik have to stay in the same area in order to see Lake? wouldn't it be a strange situation? how could I ever feel free then, how could he ever feel free too? the risk is separating Lake from Erik, which I would never want to happen. It isn't so easy as two people that have always lived in the same town and just change neighbourhood.

Many thoughts tonight and I can't sleep

 

 
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