"At least, with this guy, you know where you are. Liar. Cheater. OK. That is him! You love him!"
That was my last abuser's first words to me when I got angry about his cheating...
"So what, you know me as a liar, so what?!"
I have never forgotten those words.
If we do not accept people exactly as they are, we are putting conditions on our "love", and then it is not "real" love. We don't love them. And, it isn't fair to them to keep saying we do, nor is it being honest with ourselves.
Thus, we need to find someone we love who needs no changing (no conditions), then our love is unconditional and is real.
There is no way mskrissi87 "loves" Joe, because she has all these conditions he must meet and he is not willing to meet them. Words are words, actions speak louder.
Making the advice seeker responsible for these conditions they are placing seems to blame the victim, but it actually empowers them. It's ok to own up and say, "It's me, it's not them", because then you can change your circumstances, rather than continuing to blame the other person, which gets you nowhere.
So much of the advice given about relationships is the, "It's not you, it's them." So, then, they keep asking how to change that person. They say they "love" them, but it is actually self-love. They push their needs on them (conditions).
That explains a lot of why the advice I was getting from friends and family didn't help. Yes, you are told you can't change them, but I now realize I needed someone to say, "Hey, why are you trying to impose all your conditions on that person? "That isn't love!" If you love them, you're going to accept them as they are and be happy about it and not be seeking advice on how to fix them. A little psychology/reality might have been what I needed to snap me out of it.
On the flipside, if you sell your soul to change for them, you are still being dishonest to them and to yourself. You can slip into the abuse syndrome and that is very hard to break free from. You keep trying to perfect yourself so they will love you and treat you better. But they only treat you well for brief periods and still you feel so bad about yourself, it's hard to really enjoy those times. It could also be viewed as selfish, because there is some payoff for you or you would not do it. I know first hand that abusers can damage self esteem to the point that you have little left, but there comes a point when you have to take action or die, whether physically or emotionally.
When you perceive something to be outside of you, you have no power over it. When you take responsibility for your behavior and actions, you can change your cirmcumstances.
I recommend the writing: A Tunnel Without Cheese