Hi--
I'm sending you all my healing energies. A lot of my friends and people I know have been raped, including one guy. i wish I was a superhero so I could kill all of these bastards. I digress...
You have to look at it from a point of control--
You have had all of the control over your environment and your body and even your mind taken away. It sounds like the evil shit got away, and until he gets caught, there is always going to be a piece of you that is going to feel out of control-- unfortunately, as a rape victim, you know how easy it is to have this happen to you, and even if/when he gets caught, you will probably share the opinion of a lot of rape victims that it will happen again. Now-- how you handle control, even if you're doing it with the very best of intentions, is going to determine a lot of your recovery and the rest of your life.
Now, everyone has secrets, and that's nothing out of the ordinary. However, a secret of this magnitude enforces the isolation that you feel-- no matter how wonderful your boyfriend is, or how cooperative and helpful the police is, no matter how many rape victims who tell you that you are not alone-- for a really long time, it's not going to help-- you're going to feel isolated and it's only very conscious, logical thought that keeps you connected like when you realize how wonderful your boyfriend is being in the face of all this. Your logic and the confused rage and sorrow and shame is going to war with each other and you can't help but feel isolated.
I understand and empathize your desire to protect your parents, and also...in a way, your wish to have one part of your life remain "normal." I don't fault you that, and I can see good things out of both telling your parents now, and waiting to tell them later (though I don't see good things out of never telling them.)
You're in a tough spot-- in one situation, you tell your family and your home-life, as you know it, is shattered forever-- never attaining that "my family is safe" type of taking-for-granted that occurs. This isn't to say that your family won't grow stronger together, but trauma is trauma-- they are going to feel almost as much rage, sorrow, confusion, and a whole range of emotions as you do-- as awful as it is to say that, because you were the one who went through the trauma, the impotence of being unable to protect our loved ones is...it flies in the willingness to continue to exist in a world where such things happen.
in the other situation, you slowly but not completely get better. But you grow stronger and that is important because it takes a lot of strength to tell one's family, and to shoulder the burden of their emotions. I can see where having the time to figure things out in your life, with your boyfriend, and with intense therapy (please tell me you're going to therapy?) is necessary before going through the time where, even as a victim, you have to support your family... in a way. It sucks though because if you wait, then you just have to go through the explosion of negative stuff all over again.
and please don't don't don't try to keep this from them forever. they're just not going to understand why you're "acting weird" and think it's something you did or that they did. not a good way to foster a family bond-- and on top of that you're always going to want to blurt it out: at the mall with you're mom, at church, across the dinner table, at the movies over a tub of popcorn. You're never left without that urge-- that "what if I lose control and I say it without meaning too" and then you're scared because you doubt you can control you're own speech. weird, but true-- happens with the big secrets. And then, what happens if you sleep at your parents house one night. you're going to stress about saying something in your sleep. This is the type of isolation that control can lead you into-- into feeling even more out of control just because you're not quite comfortable enough to relinquish control over the words, "I was raped."
The thing is, as stupid as the cliche is, it's like ripping off a band-aid. You have to do it now, or you have to do it later. If you do it now, you have to trust that you're going to be strong enough in yourself and with your boyfriend's help to handle the sorrow of your family. The nice part about this is that from that point on, you all can grow together through this tragedy.
Now-- if you're not strong enough for this right now, and I don't blame you-- because...damn, we all protect our parents and vice versa to some degree, if you tell them later-- think about how they're going to feel, ON TOP of having their daughter/sister violated and mentally damaged. This isn't a guilt trip, but think about it-- they're going to be deprived of that one thing that families are supposed to do-- help you through the bad times in order to get to the good times so they can be there for you then too.
But that's presupposing that your family is healthy enough to handle this without permanently falling apart.
I can understand for a short time keeping this to yourself. That's just going to be part of the control factor for you. Don't try to out-logic yourself...emotionally you just need to hold onto things until you feel safe to let them go. The least that you can do is tell your parents that you're going through a really bad time, that you need their support, and that when you're ready to tell them, you will. I hope they'll respect that.
I also applaud your decision to think about if you're ready for law school. I probably would have either jumped right in and worked myself to death (or to insanity where I then would have killed every sex offender I could find before the cops got me) or fled to mexico and started an animal sanctuary where I never had to see another human being again.
Another option...if you know any of the teachers (I know you haven't started but I'm sure you've been in contact with a few) is to try to set up an independent study.
I'm not completely behind you backing off of law school, even if just for a little while, because a) it makes it harder to go back, and b) you need something of your previous life that isn't a human being (because your bf and your family are going to be different then previously, because they've got emotions too) to pull you through.
It might be too late, but even if you do one credit's worth of international law, or hypocrisies of the court, or SOMETHING like that, you'll keep your foot in and yet be free enough to work through your emotions. If there's a law professor that specializes in women's studies, or sexual issues of law-- this would probably be the best pick on who to approach for this. Who knows? you might work out some of the legal inconsistencies of rape through law, thus working through it and very likely creating a burning passion to become a rape advocate lawyer. This isn't to say that's going to happen, but being constructive through the hard times is the best medicine.
and-- I'm sorry if everything I'm saying is sounding like a cliche. I'm about to go to bed and I'm trying to keep my own rage, and sorrow to a minimum so I'm not up for the next three hours.