"Woe is me" is no doubt a good assessment of your situation, but not a good attitude if you want to make things better (sounds too hopeless, don't convince yourself you're situation is hopeless, you came here, didn't you?, you did that because you want to make thigs better,...RARE). What I found amazing is that you, not only managed to have a sane relationship, but that you aren't a hateful and disrespectful bum. You might have ACTED (behaved) like one at times because you had a bottle and a half of VODKA in you (and STILL had the desire to give the world to her and the generosity to want to give her a car, PRETTY BIG HEART!), but, as the world goes, it's not surprising she was fooling around while her loved drowned in alcohol (that's just the way life is).

So, pick yourself up and stop beating yourself over the head. Alcohol is not the best thing for a broken heart (or the body). I know habits are hard to break, but sometimes they're worse to live with. When I was 14, I developed a drinking habit. I used to mix everything together in a big cooking pot,..beer, wine, whiskey and soda. I was in a gang at the time, so it just kind of fit in with the lifestyle, but when I was 19, I quit the gang because I decided to get serious about my life. It was not intentional to quit drinking, but it quickly faded away because I was no longer feeling hopeless living the gang lifestyle. I haven't touched a drop for 34 years now (except that 2 months ago, I bought a quart of beer that took me a month to finish). What I really like is the taste of the GRAIN. I like MALTA better, but it is not easy to get in my area, so, at times, I have to settle for beer. You'll notice the same thing, it's the "HARD" taste that you've become accustomed to more than anything else. When I was 30, I learned to like coffee, but I drank so much of it now that I'm starting to get used to the taste, so, I've sort of developed a craving for the taste of GRAIN again. I have 2 cans of beer that I bought 3 weeks ago and didn't even take them out of the bag yet (buying it was like an afterthought, but nothing can surpass the taste of coffee).

Maybe you can start satisfying your tastebuds with very flavorful things (believe me, FLAVOR doesn't just make you feel alive, it actually makes you a happy person,..especially CHOCOLATE). I like my mayonaisse too, and garlic, ketchup, mustard, relish, etc. (but those flavors can't replace coffee though, no they ADD to it). Pigging out is the spice of life (at least for now, forget about all the prudish garbage you hear, your life is your own,...LIVE IT the way you want to). Sure, all that vodka is not good for you (but you know that), but you know who will be shaming you for it?...all of the "GOOD" people in the world who stab their neighbor in the back and HATE and cause wars (then they self-righteously and hypocritically go to church). They think (feel) that corruption, resentment, ego and cold hearted greed is normal. They just wouldn't have the ability to be generous and loving like you were because they have no "heart". So, give yourself credit and stop beating yourself up (things should turn out a lot better that way), just try and get your life together and please yourself with FLAVOR, but none of that "Woe is me" hopeless stuff.

It will all change the moment you stop drinking. Not reduce it, but stop it all together, like there never was any alcohol in this world.

If you want to stop drinking, go to AA - alcoholics anonymous. They are very good, and people like you but who have stopped successfully.

Or you can decide to further ruin your life, and pretend it's all someone else's fault.

ps. If I was your girlfriend, I'd walk away much sooner as it would be obvious to me that you value alcohol more then me. Would you give up on her for alcohol? Would you give up on alcohol for her? See?

You have been "thrown for a loop" as some say.
You will feel bad because of the emotional upset.
You will feel worse if you also upset your physical
body by a bottle of something which does "numb"
your feelings, but it poisons your body.

It sounds like you have many challenges and
choices to face. Summon up that ounce of courage
you know you have and put the bottle in the
closet and walk away. If you really want to
return to balance, treating your body better
is a place to begin.

It sounds to me too that perhaps this woman did
you a favor in showing her true colors before
you became even more involved. Likewise with
your friend, your former best buddy.

Time will heal your emotions. You cannot imagine
it yet perhaps, but if you step away from these
coping behaviors which are no longer serving you,
you have a good chance of hanging onto your health
and recovering this emotional trauma.

Here is what I used when I found myself feeling
pretty low. It was a huge help~~

http://www.herbalhealer.com/stress.html

If you choose to try this, you need to take it
consistently for a couple of weeks or longer.

I wish you success on your healing path...

blessings,
Zoe

-_-