I need help with my relationship 
#72512
17 y
2,292
Me and my girlfriend of 7 months are having some problems lately. I love her more than I've ever loved anybody and she loves me the same but recently we have been getting in alot of fights. She gets very sensative abotu random pointless things and throws little pouting fits and tries to make me feel bad. Its been getting worse and worse lately. Tonight we had a big talk about it and she broke down and cried and said she doesnt know why she does it and she feels like she purposely sabotages our relationship. She says the more and more comfortable she gets with me the more she does it and she doesnt know why. She says she really wants help and wants to change but she doesnt know what to do. She says that she has never been in a good healthy relationship like this so its weird for her. She has a pretty bad family life so i understand where she is coming from. Im just really scared that things wont work out so I need some advice. Where should I go from here?
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- How old is she? (np) southern belle
17 y
2,019
- Re: How old is she? (np) #72512 17 y 2,153
- Re: I need help with my relationship #68716
17 y
2,153
This is a reply to # 802,790
What is your love based upon? Trust, honesty, partnership, sex? In this day and age, there are many, many issues that should be addressed before entering into a long-term committment. First, and foremost, an atmosphere of trust, respect, and friendship should outweigh any other "attractions," as our culture is constantly bombarded by misinformation with regard to what a healthy relationship truly is.
Seven months isn't a very long time, in the lifelong scheme of things. If you are interested in a committed union with this young lady, like a marriage or civil union, it might be a wise idea to get some short-term relationship counseling. There are a number of agencies that will provide counseling on a sliding-fee basis, and a good counselor will be able to cut through the b.s., help to identify specific issues, and offer tools and techniques that will help you both to maintain an even keel without the need for prescribed medications, long-term counseling, etc.
And, it is vital that you both maintain your own network of friends, a group of mutual friends, and pursue your educations before doing anything legal. From my own experience, divorce is costs more in financial and emotional misery than any wedding/reception you could dream up!
Best of luck to you and keep yourself healthy!
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- Re: I need help with my relationship #72512
17 y
2,123
This is a reply to # 804,146First of all thank you for your reply.
Our relationship started off as one of friendship and then went into sexual but has evolved to be one of trust, honesty, friendship, love, and sex. The trust part is debateable because she does get very jealous at times for very irrational reasons. She came out of a relationship where the guy cheated on her a whole lot. She has gotten a little bit better at this over time. We have a very healthy relationship most of the time. The only reason I am here to talk about it is because I care about her so much that I want to make it last.
Where can I find the counseling which you speak of? We would both be willing to do something like that.
My girlfriend has not maintained any of her friends since we have been together. I have told her about this but she says that she doesnt know where to meet any people to make friends and she doesnt like her old friends. To be fair her old friends were very immature and she is better off without them its just that I think its bad that the only friends she has now are my friends.
Regarding the marriage thing, I am not ready to get married any time soon and probable wont but for at least 5-10 years.
I agree and identify with all of your advice!
Thanks
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- Re: I need help with my relationship #68716
17 y
2,062
This is a reply to # 804,234
Jealousy is a dangerous illness - it can replace trust and honesty and become the core focus of a relationship.
Counseling can be found through local religious organizations, Social Services, behavioral health centers, etc., etc., etc. Look under the yellow pages for "psychologist" or "marriage counseling" and you'll find dozens of pages of names and clinics. It's safe to say that nearly all of the listings will offer sliding scale fees - so, check them out. At your first meeting with the counselor, it might be a good idea to have a written list of your concerns with regard to your personal behavior, issues with your g/f, and any questions that you might have. Your g/f might want to do the same thing. It's very difficult to provide a solid history in 50 minutes, so having as much prepared as possible will help to cut through the b.s.
That this young woman has severed ties with all of her friends (immature or not) does not bode well and your judgement that she "...is better off without them..." is another red flag of possible difficulties on the horizon. A good therapist/counselor will help you both to identify core issues and give you many techniques on management of those issues.
You are to be applauded for your concern and willingness to seek help. Please, take this under advisement: a good therapist/counselor will only be as helpful as long as you are 100% honest, even when to do so might require you to admit to some poor choices. We all make mistakes, particularly in relationships! And, it is not a sin to make mistakes! So, good luck and keep posting your progress!!
- Re: I need help with my relationship #72512
17 y
2,005
This is a reply to # 804,411Thank you.
I said she was better off without her friends just because of the type of people they are. She is 20 and all her friends were around 18 years old and very immature and caused alot of problems in her life. If they were still her friends I would not try to get her to stop hanging out with them. I actually have told her that maybe she should call one of them to hang out sometimes but she doesnt want to. She stopped hanging out with them on her own. I saw that it was bad when it happened and told her it wasnt a good idea to lose all ties with her friends.
Im ready to go do some counceling with my girlfriend and I think it is a great idea.
Thanks for the advice - Re: I need help with my relationship been there done that
17 y
2,058
This is a reply to # 804,411You say she has family problems (dysfunctional family). A dysfunctional family is actually a very serious thing and it's effects are extensive. It teaches a GOOD and loving person poor self-esteem. It teaches them to belittle, ridicule and criticize themself and mock and mistreat whatever would bring them happiness because of their inability to feel deserving of happiness (she will push away what she doesn't feel deserving of). Their reference point of understanding this world is that they are guests on this world of those who can find a use for them. She reacts to you with fear because she doesn't know how to deal with genuine, true blue emotion. Properly handled, her family will be getting jealous of you. You can explain this to her and she will, at first, say this is not true, but she will eventually understand that she is doing this. If she explains this to her family, they will be dead set against you (feel defensive), so I don't advise that this understanding goes beyond your relationship.
- Re: I need help with my relationship #72512
17 y
2,004
This is a reply to # 804,489I 100% agree with this idea. She deffinately does sabatoge her own happiness and her family does put her down and make her feel unimportant and give her low self-esteem.
She would never tell her family about this though as she knows it would cause problems.
Thanks for the advice!- Re: I need help with my relationship #68716
17 y
2,082
This is a reply to # 804,717
Hey! Just remember that there isn't any "normal" family out there! <grin> Everything will come out just fine, and you both will be successful because you are TALKING about these issues!!! Recognizing that a problem exists is more than half the battle. And, getting over familial dysfunction is going to be a long road, but it will certainly happen - of course, some issues will leave emotional scar tissue, but that's part of life and living.
Best of luck to you and hurrah for your courage! Keep posting your progress!
- Re: I need help with my relationship been there done that
17 y
2,046
This is a reply to # 805,080Maybe (might be possible) sometimes a dysfunctional family can work out, but I'm 52 and outlived my whole family, so I can only offer the benefit of a doubt on that one. It's better not to take the chance and just move across country.
- Re: I need help with my relationship been there done that
17 y
2,046
- Re: I need help with my relationship #68716
17 y
2,082
- Re: I need help with my relationship #72512
17 y
2,004
- Re: I need help with my relationship #72512
17 y
2,005
- Re: I need help with my relationship #68716
17 y
2,062
- Re: I need help with my relationship #72512
17 y
2,123
- Re: I need help with my relationship #42781
17 y
2,232
This is a reply to # 802,790In your place, I'd move on rather then waste my time trying to "fix" someone else (which is a mission impossible). Once you have joint commitments and kids, she is most likely to give her issues a boost a notch or two, and then you'll be left wondering what went wrong.
We all are good people underneath it all, and so is she; but it's what people DO that defines them. Our actions are the only thing that counts and they make us what we are. At the age of 20, her young mind is still quite capable of hiding shortcomings; later on it becomes harder and harder and issues just pile up until your life and health start to fall apart.
Just try to understand that it is safe to say that "people don't change". Maybe, one in a few million does; the rest stay essentially the same, and the only thing that changes are their mind games.
She may be that "one in the million" and you'll be albe to tell by how seriously she takes her therapy and you: if she's spending almost every minute of her life trying to be a better person, if she stops relationships which are damaging for her self-esteem (with her family, bad friends and so on), if she's studying all kinds of books trying to replace old "values" with some new and true ones, then she might actually change. Get familiar with books by Eric Berne, and see if you recognize games from those books in your relationship. Usually the more "free" and loving one is as a person, the less s/he plays those games...- Re: I need help with my relationship Evton B
17 y
2,072
- Re: I need help with my relationship #42781
17 y
2,324
This is a reply to # 807,325I have observed many relationships and have never seen not even one that would prove me wrong on the point I made - that people don't change. And God only knows how I wish I WAS wrong...
- Re: I need help with my relationship #42781
17 y
2,324
- Re: I need help with my relationship Evton B
17 y
2,072
- Re: I need help with my relationship ecochuck
17 y
2,147
This is a reply to # 802,790See a therapist like Dr Phil alone, each of you or see one together. These are deep seated issues.
- cost of divorce #68716
17 y
2,270
This is a reply to # 806,743
The cost of divorce is substantially more than the cost of any marriage ceremony/wedding/reception. In a divorce, you will either split everything that you have accumulated during your year(s) together, or lose it all. Divorce is also one of the cruelest marathons that a human being will ever run, emotionally speaking. The only person that wins in a divorce (or, PALIMONY where people live together as common-law couples) is the attorney - they make hundreds of thousands of peoples' hard-earned income each year and feed on the misery of divorcing couples.
Move on and examine the mistakes that you made in this relationship - don't make the same ones, next time around. You cannot change anyone else but yourself. It isn't a crime to make a mistake, either, it's just whether or not you choose to repeat the same mistakes that will determine if its intolerable or not.
- cost of divorce #68716
17 y
2,270
- Re: I need help with my relationship #17975
17 y
2,101
This is a reply to # 802,790You need to get out more and start to meet other women. There is nothing in the world that will make a woman straighten up her act than to see her man having a good time dating other people. I see some manipulation coming in on her part. This is nonsense, she talking about feeling weird in a loving relationship. How can you feel weird in a loving relationship. I bet she'll stop feeling weird when you start dating that hottie down the street.
- Re: I need help with my relationship #68716
17 y
2,063
This is a reply to # 813,495
I've read a number of posts by this particular member and, quite frankly, it almost sounds like my abusive narcissist son who so despises women that he honestly believes that they are all out to harm him, specifically. The apparent pervasive feeling here is that women are out to do harm to men (either in general, or to this particular member).
<<There is nothing in the world that will make a woman straighten up her act than to see her man having a good time dating other people>> Make a woman straighten up? ROTFLMAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! An emotionally healthy and self-assured woman doesn't even NEED a man! LMAOLMAOLMAO!! If she finds a man who can be a partner and companion, first, then it's grand.
The "hottie down the street" is a human being with feelings, goals (hopefully), and dreams. Harming (using) one person (hottie down the street) to inflict harm upon another person (current girlfriend) will never result in a loving, trusting, respectful union - there will always be the undercurrent of deception and intentional harm in a relationship such as that. Such childish games can quickly evolve into abusive tendencies. Be cautious and good luck!
- [Message Subject Hidden by a Forum Moderator] #17975
17 y
2,053
- Re: I need help with my relationship Evton B
17 y
2,088
This is a reply to # 813,948OH PLEASE! His post was neither abusive or narcissistic and it was TRUE! I am one of the nicest and moral guys you could ever find but the basic truths about young girls is that they like it when you treat them shitty and when they become complacent in a relationship they need some sort of excitement to stop them from acting stupid and make them realize that what they have is too good to lose. Its built into their DNA. The guys who are the most dominant and dick-ish are the ones who are going to dominate in life and they want to have babies with that type of person.
Its just a simple fact that many women try to deny but you really cant.- Re: I need help with my relationship #68716
17 y
2,083
This is a reply to # 814,639So, you've had HOW much experience living Life? You've got 18 years under your belt? yesssssssssssss, Yoda.......you know best
- Thank YOu Evton B. Enough said n/p.!... #17975 17 y 1,983
- Re: I need help with my relationship #42781
17 y
2,246
This is a reply to # 814,639Am I the only one having a good chuckle out of this?
"I am one of the nicest and moral guys you could ever find but the basic truths about young girls is that they like it when you treat them shitty..."
Can you say "Contradiction"? (to explain: you can't be a "nice and moral guy" and at the same time have a disrespectful and prejudiced opinion about the opposite sex!
"...basic truths about young girls"
You do realize that you implied here that ALL young girls are the same? It may be better to try and make a distinction between "all" and "some" next time
"Its built into their DNA."
TOO FUNNY!
"The guys who are the most dominant and dick-ish are the ones who are going to dominate in life and they want to have babies with that type of person."
Hitler was like that, yet he got nowhere as far as having babies and so on... OTOH, some women did want to be with him. Those women however you can consider "in need of some serious help".
- Re: I need help with my relationship Evton B
17 y
2,173
This is a reply to # 816,686Oh you people are too much! LOL. Yeah, I'm just like Hitler. I can totally see the resemblance. Except I'm in a loving relationship with the hottest most amazing girl I have ever met in my entire life and I treat her like a queen and she has wanted me to marry her since the first 3 months we were together.... But here is the catch, In order to get her to like me in the beggining I had to treat her like shit so she would become interested in me. I had to act dissinterested, aloof, dick-ish and rude. She admits to my face that she did not like me until I started acting that way. She claims that it made her want me more and that it was like some kind of primal urge that it gave her when I acted that way towards her. See for yourself
http://www.myspace.com/evyxl
And I know what you are saying, "this girl is just a girl who has problems and a bad example on which to base the whole female population" and that is something that is very logical and important to consider. However, I can personally say that this is not the first case of this that I have found. My whole entire life I have been the "nice guy". I would be the guy who always hung out with the hottest girls and everybody thought I was some kind of a player but when it got down to it I was just their friends because I got stuck in the friend zone. These girls would never ever ever have any attraction to me. I thought that the way you got a girl to like you was through being really nice to them. I did not want to accept that all girls wanted guys to treat them shitty. I said to myself "if a girl wants me to treat her shitty then she is not worth being with such a good guy as myself". I told myself that for YEARS and I never got laid. I never had any girls that were interested in me. I never could find love in a relationship and I was always very lonely and felt a hole in my life. I remember I met this one girl and we exchanged numbers. I would always call her asking if she wanted to hang out and she would say she had something to do or just not call me back. So about a month goes by and she calls me and leaves me a message asking if I could drive out to a far location and give her and her friend a ride to somewhere. This really ticked me off. My whole life I have had girls using me and getting favors out of me and just treating me like the nice friend who they could walk all over. So this was the turning point for me. I called her back and told her how I really felt!! This was the first time I had actually done this. I told her that I think its F'd up that she thinks she can use me like this and that she needs to find a new bitch and that if she doesnt call me back normally that she shouldnt call asking for favors and then told her to never call me again.
get this.
The next day she called me and left me a message saying she was so sorry and that she really actually liked me alot and thought I was really hot and that if I would possibly forgive her that she would take me out to dinner sometime and we could maybe hang out. You should have heard it. She was begging for my forgiveness. My dick-ish message must have turned her on so much that she was begging to get a chance at me now. It was HILARIOUS!
That was the turning point for me. Ever since then I always did very well with the ladys and my friends would say "jesus man, how do you do it?"
And now I have found the love of my life. I treat her like the queen that she is. I am happy, she is happy.
It's just human nature, like it or not :)- Re: I need help with my relationship #75156
17 y
2,349
This is a reply to # 818,186The love of your life? I doubt it. She'll get sick of you being such a "nice guy" and move on. You? You'll keep calling yourself a "nice guy" and keep your grip of control so tight on the next one that you'll strangle her, too.
- Re: I need help with my relationship Evton B
17 y
2,183
This is a reply to # 818,850No, I think you missed the part where I said that she already wants to marry me. I think you are actually missing the whole point of my post because I am agreeing that you cant be a nice guy in order to keep a girl interested in you.
- Re: I need help with my relationship Evton B
17 y
2,183
- Re: I need help with my relationship #75156
17 y
2,349
- Re: I need help with my relationship Evton B
17 y
2,173
- Re: I need help with my relationship
- [Message Subject Hidden by a Forum Moderator] #17975
17 y
1,942
- [Message Subject Hidden by a Forum Moderator] #17975
17 y
2,053
- Re: I need help with my relationship Evton B
17 y
2,177
This is a reply to # 813,495LOL thats very true. Young girls are very predictable in this way arent they? I dont care what girls say, they like to play hard to get.
- Re: I need help with my relationship #68716
17 y
2,063
- How old is she? (np) southern belle
17 y
2,019
