Unless the cause is physical, this may be a deeper problem... I always thought that sex was a perfect picture of the real quality of a relationship.

I wouldn't cheat. I am like that - having nice sleep, and never having to wonder if I've made a mistake is one thing I would never sacrifice for anything.

But I would have a serious conversation with him, while taking a long and hard look at myself - like were there signs of what was coming, did I listen to those, am I welcoming his comments or interupting them, am I trustworthy enough that he would open up if there was a problem, etc.

Don't attack him - if he just stopped having sex with you, it also shows that he doesn't trust you. If I decided never to have sex with my wife, I'd tell her first, or at least give her some kind of sign.

If you start a conversation lightly, and keep it open, and never show any resentment, but rather curious interest (I'd be curious to know!), he may open up, and you may get to bottom of it. Of course, try to first eliminate those more obvious causes: stress, chemical imbalances, night shifts, your looks, etc...

Four times in Five years is NOT normal. Not by any standards, and certainly not at your age. There is definitely something else going on.

I have a girlfriend who has not had sex with her husband now for over 6 years. They have a child who is 13. She has decided that she will stay with him until their child has graduated from college, and then she is leaving him. This is a deal breaker. She really likes her husband, in fact they are "best friends", but if you are young enough, it should be a normal part of union. She considers him a roommate now, and has had one affair, and keeps an open eye for other affairs.

Is that where you want to be? If you believe sex is a worthwhile part of marriage, then you need to nip this in the bud.

Have you been to a marriage counselor? Has he been to a doctor? Is he depressed? Does he sleep a lot, or come down with a long list of ailments?

My friend is sure that her husband suffers from depression, but he is unwilling to seek any help for this. She is a doctor, and is able to give him viagra, but he is unwilling to take this.

She is in really good shape. He is rather reserved, and she is wanton. She thinks that she is too aggressive for him. Also, he has a great distaste for bodily fluids.

We both have discussed whether he is gay, which unfortunately, is a big possibility.

Gosh, I don't mean to be negative, but there is something going on here. No one should have a sexless marriage until they are seniors, and then, people do still have sex. It has ZERO to do with morality. Having sex 4 times in 5 years does not make you immoral. Actually, it is a form of abuse. Yes, I really mean that. Morality is simply a term used by the repressed religious types and puritans. Sex is a normal human biological fact. It is only humans that put a label on it, and it is American's who take to a new level of puritan ethic. Please do not even go there.

But then is the second paragraph you talk about getting a lover, which is a huge switch from the prior paragraph. If you want to stay with your husband, and he is absolutely against having sex, and would not be opposed to you getting a lover, then why not? But there are pitfalls that are hard to ignore. For one thing, no matter the circumstance, it is icky. Women have a hard time separating their love from lovers. It is part of our instincts. Men can do it very well, women cannot. It will make things very complicated.

You really need to get this out in the open. You didn't say what he said when you "talked about it"? You say there are no secrets, but there has to be. If you have been open with him and say that you want more sex, and he has not supplied that for you, then there is something being held back.

You really haven't given this forum enough information to make a good value judgment, but hopefully we have given you some food for thought. I'm so sorry you have this challenge ahead of you, it is a very hard one. Eventually you will have to make a decision about what you want in a marriage. You are still very young.

Feel free to elaborate, and we will be there for you. But in the end, a forum is not going to completely help you, it sounds like both of you need to get to a therapist a.s.a.p.

Good luck.

Molly

I very much agree with the last post. To be honest, while reading through the post you said that there "were no secrets- never ever" twice and it sounded a bit too convincing. How can there be no secrets when there is no sex for such a long time and noone even feels the need to explain or talk about it? Avoiding the topic is like having a secret.

Definatley, something isnt right there. You obviously love your husband very much but sex is and should be one part of a marriage. It is only human to want it. i feel that there is more behind the things than you have said... having an affair without your husband agreeing to it could be very destructive in every sense and I wouldnt advice it.if he does understand your needs but cant change his own but agrees, then it is not bad morals to find someone to share these things with but as was said before, this is dangerous- women do sometimes mix emotions and desire and you need to very clear with yourself...

He may need variety or a "new body" to play with. I hate to say it. I had an acquaintance say that after she left her husband, she had sex with someone new. She had a twinkle in her eyes when she said it. She said, "Oh my God, I got to sleep with someone new! I loved it".
So I think that you and your husband overdid the "loads of sex" and it got tired for him. That's why sex, like anything is best done in moderation. It's like if you eat the same thing everyday, sooner or later, your going to get tired of that. I honestly suspect your husband desires someone new for sex, not to marry and have kids with, just sex.