I sense Owen has found them. That's probably why I am drawn to his advice, and repelled by others, who have knowledge, but not wisdom. Gut instincts, he's got them both. You'd know better than I. I find them now and then(peace and joy, and lose them.

I believe you are right about Owen, that is why his calm, patient and sensible advice resonates with so many people.

Perhaps I should say all this in a private e-mail, but I have a feeling that we are far from the only people who must deal with problems similar to this, and perhaps we can help them, or at least spur them to action. I can usually fall asleep, but cannot stay asleep or go into a deep sleep cycle. One reason is physical, I cannot turn in bed naturally, I have to wake up and force myself to move, often several times into a comfortable position. The last few weeks I have been waking up with a sense of suffocating with intense pain and stiffness and I don't know if it is a physical or emotional problem. Lately I have been having to get up and either read or get on the computer for an hour or so. If I stay in bed I either fall into a weeping sense of hopelessness or must ward off a panic attack.

One thing that did seem to help me was a product called GABA. In fact last night about 1:30 am after another sleep disruption I went to Swanson Vitamins and ordered some more. White Tiger first recommended this to me; later I found GABA was also part of the Sleep Essentials formula Owen said he used. I also take melatonin, but find I do best if I use it nightly for two weeks, then go off of it for a week or two. You can also cook what is called GABA rice. Here is how I do it using an electric vegetable steamer: bring the water in the bottom of the steamer to boiling, then shut off the unit. In the rice bowl add 1 cup of brown rice (it must be brown rice to work)and 2 cups pure water. Set in steamer, cover and allow to sit 8-12 hours. This will allow the rice to begin to sprout. In cooler weather the rice can soak even longer, but do not let it sour. When ready to cook, turn steamer back on and allow to steam for 50-55 minutes. Stir and allow to set a few minutes. I eat it with a little Sea Salt and lightly sprinkled with sesame oil. Of course, you can eat it any way you like to eat rice. Also, you can prepare this dish using conventional rice cooking methods of your choice. The sprouting releases the GABA and this can help you relax. I would imagine a meal of white meat turkey with its tryptophan and the GABA rice would make a good evening dish for insomniacs. A nice cup of Sleepy Time Tea with added Valerian would add to the herbal relaxants.

Just as I wrote to Kevin, I now write to you (and to myself), we must choose to be happy and healthy. It will take a lot of time and will be the hardest work we will ever do. It will also be an ongoing process. Happiness is not a goal, it is a part of our journey. Happiness is more than just an emotional state, we, like the Apostle Paul, must learn to be content in whatever state we are in. Circumstances, like poor health, financial troubles, loneliness, and family problems will all arise on our life's journey. They should not be responsible for our emotional state, but rather, a healthy emotional state will dictate how we respond to those less than perfect circumstances.

It is difficult, so very difficult to continue and try to allow ourselves to heal naturally. Just last night I was considering calling a doctor and trying to get some antidepressants and see if cortisone shots directly in the spine would help ease both the physical and emotional pain I am in. There have been many times the pain was so bad I honestly wanted to die. I believe you understand what I am saying without being judgmental too. Still, there is this rebellious side of me that says "you have overcome this before and you will do this again. Pills and steroids may mask the pain and depression, but these drugs are just masks, band aids, not cures. Do not let the quick fix philosophies of the allopaths, or the sometimes arrogant smugness of those who cannot relate to intense and crippling pain discourage you from your fight to heal. You are not alone, you have those who will do their best to help and comfort you; and you also have many who are on the same painful path you are walking. May all of us on that path have compassion and reach out and care for each other.

You are in my prayers.