Autumn, 42781, and all other caring ... 
pjangel
18 y
1,757
I was nervous, anxious, and worried about our second meeting with a church leader acting as a mediator--I instigated this whole thing. Then things escalated Sunday evening--it was not pretty. My husband said he would meet ALONE with said Chruch leader first, and then perhaps I could come in. I was pretty concerned, BUT he said he would have MY counselor on the phone with them (That was a blessing) So I tried to relax, got an accupunture treatment before hand, prayed like crazy, and called my counselor for some last minute advice. I was worried that it was going to blow up in my face. I'm the one that has the 'problem', and I'm the one 'bucking for change".
Actually our meeting with our ecclesiatic leader went well--I saw a
more humble side of my husband. The leader asked that my husband meet
twice a month with his local church leader, that he work on his anger
issues, that he agree to attend marriage counseling for a year with
me, that he keep me informed about financial matters and, on the lighter side, that he take
me out on a date once a month. I got several other vital concessions for my health and sleeping issues.
I was very amazed and pleased at how well it went--I had been worrying
and worrying and worrying. The first visit has sucked....maybe all the
prayers people were sending helped this visit.
So, we will see. I know my husband loves me and I love him; it's just
gotten 'lost', and his issues, unresolved, have festered. So, we will
see how it goes. I wasn't origninally thrilled about the marriage counseling--I've
had counseling for 12 years, and he hasn't, but I was so amazed my
husband didn't balk at that (I've suggested it MANY times over the
years and he said WE didn't need it)that I quickly realized it would be foolish for me to.
So, he has agreed not to restrain his yelling and not to throw things. And it was pretty
humbling for him to have me 'share' his weaknesses with someone he
admires and trusts. In the past, he has wanted it to all be MY
problem. And a HUGE part of it is.....
The small details aren't worked out, and I get to make the appointment with the marraige counselor--but hey, that's no big deal. I felt very relieved after the meeting, happy,lighthearted almost.
Then, anyone want to give me there take on this one--I had horrible stomach cramps as I was trying to get to sleep (aftershocks perhaps?) and then I had a really awful nightmare when I did finally get to sleep. It wasn't the restful night I had expected.
So, I guess I learn to let expectations go, focus on my health, and use you guys as a sounding board. I REALLY feel that this marriage has a chance, and that regardless, I have the opportunity to get mentally healthy.
Keep praying for me. I love you guys! Thanks for all your counsel, advice, caring,a nd prayers.
peace and joy, bits at a time,
cause I'm remembering
my heritage is divine.
The road is rocky,
the path is not straight
I'm going to make it,
Isn't that GREAT?!!
that was off the top of my head. It IS going to be a good day!
pj
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- Re: Autumn, 42781, and all other car... #42781
18 y
1,653
MoreThis is a reply to # 669,856pjangel,
it is quite possible that your cramps and nightmare are some kind of fear where you are used to things taking an ugly turn just when they seem to be in best of order.
how did your parents react when you were happy? did you have situations as a kid when your parents would quickly make a really good sitation go very bad? if the answer is yes, then you know where those cramps and nightmares come from. probably most other things too.
sorry I can't help more, I am a nervious wreck myself right now... but very very happy that your situation is making progress!
God bless you, your husband and your kids!
Love,
42781
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- 42781, ed pjangel
18 y
1,554
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This is a reply to # 669,858I'll send you prayers and a hug. You are a good person. Hold on to that.
Take care.
P.S. What this about being a 'nervous wreck'? You okay now? You know how we worry.
What's up?
- 42781, ed pjangel
18 y
1,554
- hiya pj Autumn
18 y
1,784
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This is a reply to # 669,856
Hey kiddo, I've read your post, following along as much as I can though not as well as one might hope ("he has agreed not to restrain his yelling"? Uh oh!) trying to picture when these meetings are happening, meeting 1 or 2, or 3, or whose counselor is whose or if that is an additional mediator or what. So you get to laugh at me.
It's a relief to confess that with best intentions I started out with this basketful of helpful self-care suggestions, and now feel so silly for having flung them around that way. Now I wish I'd spent the first 2 months just listening and letting you talk! That would have been so much wiser.
And you know, it's fine. You're a dear soul, with talking to catch up on about your feelings and wants and needs, and this is good, seeing you communicate with us, and it's always good to see you here.
Just so you know, I still spend the last 20 minutes of the day praying for you and wishing you well!
Blessings,
A- Re: hiya Autumn pjangel
18 y
1,603
This is a reply to # 669,860Hey, remember I jumped in my first time and told you to change your name!
Actually, I printed out one of your advices, and carried it for a day or two. It was good to know someone cared.
I'm not sure where I am right now. I assumed with much of this settled, I would start sleeping better, but not yet. I guess it is a matter of being patient with myself. I know I must be patient with him, but it is harder to be patient with myself.
So, I appreciate all your advice. I almost 'lost' my best counselor....he is a counselor by 'avocation', not professionally, and he has 'been there for me' for almost 12 years. His focus has been trying to see and accept myself as a wonderful child of God for all that time, and getting me through all the scraps that entails. I'd call, crying, and he would take me, often scripturally, back to the main point. God love me. I'm wonderful. And then I'd go "but". Talk about patience. He and his wife lost and child and through that journey, came to learn a great deal. I've been to professional shrinks, and to psychologists, and to therapists, my 'counselor' (I'll call him Brother D) is the best. But he started doubting himself in all this, and it shook me up. (It was when I said I felt like running the car into a tree. I was so frustrated with my husband. I almost lost the best counselor I ever had--but it was a good thing. I had to figure out how to get out from the 'rock and the hard spot'--I came up with a plan, and he was there, even if via phone, when we met, and he kept the focus on my health; mental and physical.
So, the point of this--please don't discount your advice. It was needed. I don't pay Brother D, he still supports a family, and sometimes I need a feminine viewpoint. I think you are a very wise person. I like your advice; and it meant a lot to me. The 'friendships' I have here mean a lot to me. It is about sharing our wisdom--we have gained something on the journey, and it feels good to share. And it is wonderful to know people care. That's what it's all about (okay, so it sounds like I need a line in there...you do the hokey pokey and you turn yourself about ;-)
Bro. D. says one of my problems is integrating my life. I 'bleed' here, and to him, but I put on a good face everywhere else. Horrors--he said if I feel terrible, I shouldn't try to 'fake it'. You know, let everyone think I'm just DANDY. I don't know about that yet. He is right about integrating myself--I often feel like I live several lives, and I talk to these friends about this,and these about that, but I can't just be open and honest about who I am. Funny, and I'm so open here on curezone. Well, sometimes I get nervous and use my number.
Autumn, were you were saying you don't have time to read these long posts? I have to learn to 'check' my communication.
I think I'm ready to visit flylady, with a controlled visit. I have been given temporary custody of the masterbedroom, complete with bathroom (tiny) for the next while, until I get a good chunk of normal sleep under my belt, and said room hasn't been clean for THREE years. My hubby has this 'common areas' first philosophy and I never get to putting away MY stuff, and it is piled up horribly.(I'll get out of the habit of blaming him eventually, but it is weird--he is SO focused, he gets to his stuff, whereas I'm pulled off by children, phones, his demands....) I'm really excited to get a chance to prove, just to myself, that I am not a slob, and given some help (flylady I hope) I can manage not overwhelm myself, but create a bit of order in my soon not to be frantic life. (if we could keep it down to one crisis every other day, I could settle for that--and I'm not kidding. yesterday 17 year had another...sigh)
Look forward to hearing from you. I put our 'number friend' on a prayer roll last night--it's interesting how much one comes to care about everyone here. I called him that, my number friend. I don't think anyone looks at the papers--it would be humorous when they read 'my curezone friends' or 'my number friend'. If he reads this, know we send our prayers out to you. Hold on, the light will come. For all of us.
take care all,
pj- Re: hiya Autumn #42781
18 y
1,828
This is a reply to # 669,864Hey pjangel,
In my search of "where do you start from when you want to get better", I think I came up with something important. I don't know if you remember when I asked that question - where to start from...
Anyhow, I'll give myself a freedom of giving you advice or suggestion where you didn't ask me for one. I hope you and autumn don't mind, as I actaully just jumped in here.
The idea is this:
Many people who have problems have similar challenges: to organize their lives, to be happy, to notice when others are hurting them (and learn to protect themsleves!) and so on. I came to a realization that number one thing, before EVERYTHING ELSE, is to learn to concetrate. You've even given me enough "ammo" in your last post to strengthen that belief.
However, do not assume that you know what I mean when I say - concentration. It is not like you are Einstein and you try to do something really smart , like discover another theory of relativity. It is quite different.
Here's what I would recommend you try, at least for starters. This may help with you sleep problems too.
1. Find a moment when you can be alone. If that's hard go to a park. Then sit and plan this out: you need about at least half an hour of being completely alone and not disturbed by anything like - telephone, Cell Phone , loud traffic, lusic, commercials, TV, kids having fits, husband asking for something and so on. This may be your home when no one is there, or may be outside - up to you to decide. So, basically you need to plan out when can be you perfectly alone.
2. Say you planned out something like - Saturday in the AM, you can be alone in that same park, or maybe somewhere else. Make sure it's a place you like, but above all - it shouldn't be a busy place. Try to plan out another day or two during the week.
3. Announce to those who depend on you, like kids and husband, that during that planned time (Saturday morning perhaps), you are not available to them. They may or may not be supportive of that. No one there is a three month old baby, so they'll live, if you know what I mean :-)
You can even tell them for how long - like an hour or two (better say longer then shorter, just in case)
4. When the time comes, go there, be alone, and just do nothing! Yes, it may seem like too easy, or worthless, but it is not. Doing nothing, as you will see, is not easy. Nothing, by the way, means in this case - literally nothing. Do not even think! If a thought or worry comes up, make sure you are AWARE OF IT, and then put it to side like this: "Oh, I see, I'd like to think about my bank account/husband/kids/whatever, but I decide that this is NOT the time for that. I will put that thought on the side, and think about it when I am not having a time to myself like this."
Any thought that comes up, and worry or fear, just notice it, and say to yourself, that this is not the time or place for it. You will think about those - only later.
5. As you do this, new thoughts start coming up. Try to empty yourself as much as possible. Put those thoughts to the side, for later.
6. Supplant those thoughts with something absolutely amazingly beautifull. For instance, with your eyes closed, imagine a desert island, with palm trees, coconuts, wonderfull white sand beach, beautifull sun, a little fresh water stream, shallow ocean around you, warm and friendly, no sharks, only dolphins... see yourself there, and enjoy that. If there is a place you'd rather be then this one I described, then "go" there in your thoughts.
7. If a voice or thought comes up, in shape of worry or fear, just as before - decide that this is not the time for it, it can and will wait. Put it to the side for later, as right now this is your pleasure moment.
8. Spend some time with your eyes closed, imagining that beautifull place, maybe seeing all those little details that make it beautifull like birds singing, or maybe the sound of that stream, or sound of waves.
9. The purpose of all this is not relaxation. The purpose is - you. You have a right to yourself, and I think that right you've abolished for some seemengly greater good. Well, now you're realizing it doesn't work like that - to be of help to others, we have to be OK with ourselves.
10. Enjoy that vision you have, that desert island, or whatever it is you like, for as long as you planned. Maybe set up an alarm to awake you if you fall asleep, or set it up just as a reminder to go home.
11. When done, see how you feel after this exercise. Try to preserve that feeling for a while (no pressure though). Notice how people are rushed and you are not.
12. Plan when you will do this next time and do it.
13. Allow yourself to be really adamant about having this time to yourself. If there is pressure on you to go somewhere, learn to say NO. You don't owe any explanations to anyone, just ask them to respect your need to be alone. That's all. They can think whatever they want, that's their thoughts, not your responsibility.
Also, try to always see things as two possibilities:
- Important
- Not important
or even better as:
- This is more important then other things
- This is less important then other things
So, if your kid says that they need your help on Saturday morning with for instance their homework, look at it this way: "If I don't help myself, then I may not be ableto help him/her either. So, no, I decide not to abandon the idea of practicing being alone every saturday morning."
It's like those oxygen masks in airplanes: if they fall out due to loss of cabin pressure, and you have a kid or a baby, you are supposed to put it on YOUR FACE FIRST!
If you are not taken care of, you can't take care of others. And when others interrupt, with their demands, learn to say "sorry, can't do it right now, I can help you later - in an hour..." or whatever. Plan your time, and stick to it like to dear life. It is your life.
So, don't let less important things get in a way, and devote some time to the exercise above. Understand that it is really important you do it.
This will help you with your sleep, and a whole lot of other problems!
Love and hugs and thanks for tour prayers!
42781- Edited pjangel
18 y
1,619
This is a reply to # 669,87242781 and Autumn and all,
first, how are WE all doing? I've been liverflushing (bombed) and helping my son with his (semi successful-depending how you look on it) and DOING more physically, and feeling more frustrated. Like I'm okay, but in a very tenuous place....
and wondering about ya'll.
so, "Mr Number Guy",
first question you said: " I came to a realization that number one thing, before EVERYTHING ELSE, is to learn to concetrate. You've even given me enough "ammo" in your last post to strengthen that belief."
Explain please. (story time)I took the veggies out to my car yesterday morning at the flea market, came back in, walked up the aisle, and when I passed the veggie guy, asked where I'd put my sacks. He reminded me I'd already taken them out to the car. I honestly DIDN"T remember. Concentration? I'd settle for basic memory.
To be brief--I'm physically tired. And frustrated. Because I'm finally sleeping after 3 months of what few COULD have done--functioned on 2-4 hours of sleep, and stayed pleasant, and fairly together--practice makes 'perfect' --it's like the sixth insomnia 'difficulty' in 12 years--I don't keep good track.....and the point is: I'm MORE tired. I guess I've run on adrenals, herbs, good food, and chi gong--and exhaustion SCARES the heck out of me--that is USUALLY my 'signal' that I'm returning back to my Depression state--except NOT this time. But it is scary.
So, what you suggested Mr. Number guy, sounds like TM.9transendental meditation) But picture this--I'm sleeping and having nightmares, because the room I'm in (I've taken over the masterbedroom so I'm not freezing downstairs, and I have access to a bathroom--this was a major battle, and should be a major victory) hasn't been cleaned for 3 years. And after almost two weeks, I haven't made much of a dent in it. But I'm working harder than I have....feeling more overwhelmed....and falling right back into the same patterns. And looking 'selfish'.
First meeting with the marriage counselor is Thursday. And I'm starting to stress about that. I'm sure he is a great guy. I also remember this--he takes meds. I think I met with him once, like 9 years ago. And he was very nochalant about taking antidepressants. And I am not going there. Those 'easy fixes' don't work for me. So if he goes there.....I'm hosed. And I shouldn't even predict these things. The goal is to keep the marriage together. But my husband praised me for how hard I've been working (all the things HE complained about stung me, and I've made sure there has been food and dinner everynight, and worked my butt off to have the living room clean) and all that I asked for, besides inhabiting the bedroom--nothing. I had to ask if I had enough money to pay my accupunturist...and he was like...oh, I think I lost the check...yea, probably. And now he is actually happy--he is sleeping in a nice tidy room, his wife has food for him, and he doesn't know the volcano is building up. He still thinks asking "What was the best part of your day, or Did you have a good day dear" is communicating, when I'm thinking, crap, now what? I'm MORE tired....and I'm falling back into all my old patterns, except we aren't sleeping together.
Okay, so I vented. I'll try to go back and read your meditation suggetion. Have you ever shared it with your wife? Having a baby can really screw the hormones....sigh...I wish we could all have happy endings....
I'm discovering turning off the "mother worry machine" may be much harder than I thought. And it may be it is just the pj worry machine--take away all the kids and I STILL might worry....deep sigh...
Autumn, what's up? Anyone have anything to comment on? My eyesight is CRAP which really frightens me, and I'm deep down tired, although the pain is easing off....and there is fear lurking just under the surface....like I said, the 'tiredness' in the past has been a sign of returning to depression, now I realize it was normal--backlash from the months of not sleeping, but it still is a pattern that must be broken, and the order thing, and relationship things, are getting to me. I'm nursing a hurt cat, and still trying to DO for my husband to prove my worth and value, and I drive myself crazy.
And the key is to concentrate? I forget what I walk into a room for. Now, if you mean,(number guy) be PRESENT? That's one of my 'issues'. I'm often in the past or in the future, and I very much recognize I'm happiest when I can just be in the present, and I'm working on that. It is a struggle. That and worrying are two of my issues.
If this sounds rough, and a bit 'bitter', hey, it's a combination of things. I 'slept' and woke up exhausted. That scares the crap out of me. So maybe I'll bag the morning, or maybe not. And I hate sounding grumpy. I'll shake it off, hopefully.
pj
ps. I shook it off, and then got PISSED. He agreed to pay someone $250 to help repair a car, even though my daughter said she did NOT hit it; the people noticed a scratch a week later, and said it 'must have been her' because she was parked so close to them. It was at church so he is trying to keep the peace. It won't work--they wanted a thousand, daughter(new driver) is troubled, because having never hit a car, isn't sure if she would have noticed hitting it (she would have). But she said, "But she(the adult youth leader) wouldn't have said I hit her if I didn't; would she? This is church and she is an adult. So maybe I did". Oh, I am not a happy camper. Money isn't the only issue. The whole thing got to me. And it is going to make church uncomfortable for me--I opted to let my husband handle it; but there is no way the child could hit and scratch a car that badly without noticing. And she is a good kid (other than saying, "Well, if I did it, we'll pay for it". Aggg....and the husband is my son's scout leader....they aren't happy--they said she admitted guilt (I'm angry two adults sat down with MY teen and told her she had hit their car a WEEK previous....and she was so intimidated and inexperienced, she said, "I don't think I did. But if YOU are sure, then I guess I did." A couple folks went out and looked and said, "nope. didn't happen" --my mother's instinct are--it didn't. The lady backed out first--if she was that worried, she would have checked her car the next day.
It doesn't really matter--it's just one more stress and lack of communication I didn't need. If my husband hadn't already written them a check....hey...and guess who doesn't know if she has enough to pay the accupunturist this week? Oh, I hope I sleep well tonight. Or I may blow. Not communicating sucks. I did at least express my feelings that no one was looking out for the teen--two adults should have known better than to sit her down without any adults present, and put that kind of pressure on her.
She has to pay her dad back the $250--in work around the house. She wasn't thrilled. I said it would teach her to never park so close again that someone could even THINK she had scratched their car, and that she'd better learn that all adult perceptions are not to be accepted as true, just because they have been your camp director or whatever. ("but she loves me, say's my teen. Why would she say it if it weren't true?") Boy has she got a lot to learn. I may have protected her too much.
thanks for letting me vent
pj
- Edited pjangel
18 y
1,619
- Re: hiya Autumn #42781
18 y
1,828
- Autumn; pjangel
18 y
1,552
This is a reply to # 669,860Here's my 5 am musings. Not a good nights sleep. Can you relate? I know our circumstances seem so different; but....for what it's worth, just wrote it. Too sleepy to think much about it; but wanted/needed to share.
If the squeaky wheel
gets the grease,
and I have been the shortening;
the can is empty
How ironic,
you tease I keep so many “oils’
around the house;
and I feel so
“dry” in such need of richness,
lost in the maze of busy-ness;
wondering why
frustration grows, discontent, stickiness everywhere;
when I need the rich oils of life;
quietness, nature, deep coolness of earth;
then, the squeaky wheel screams again
for my attention;
and so rude, self centered, destructive,
the wheel seems to say.
Aren’t you going to get me rolling?
WHAT is YOUR problem?
Excuse me;, this shortening can
is only short changing you;
until I change me,
and move to thick, real oils
that stretch my soul, and
don’t shorten anything
I can’t grease you anymore.
I so hard tried to make your life easier,
and you took it for granted.
then I started creaking
and everyone exclaimed;
selfish ole wheel,
silly ole wheel,
you are just fine.
But I’m not;
I shorted out.
And now it is time
to replenish
with good, rich oil,
and good rich soil,
and walks, and talks,
and tender moments with friends,
old and new.
If you are too driven,
because you haven’t traveled far enough,
and it seems just when you need grease the most;
you ‘grease can’ is empty….well…
I’m so sorry.
You will have to take care of your own oil supply
for now.
The disservice, I thought was service,
is done for now,
if only I can break the habit.
I care, but now, I realize,
perhaps I was unwise to let my oil supply dwindle;
my lamp could no longer be lit.
It is a struggle;
I jump from oiling squeaky wheels,
to filling lamps with oil,
because I am a light
in such pain
because she got confused
and thought she was simply
an oil can,
needed to grease squeaky wheels.
pj January 22, 2006
5 am
- hey poet lady Autumn
18 y
1,772
This is a reply to # 669,871I'd rather you were SLEEPING but this really has so many good ideas, from mechanics to Biblical metaphor. Learning how to squeak!
I really like the word plays too, "short" in shortening and in its other meanings. And the image of people in a relationship as parts of a flowing mechanism, where if the flow breaks down then ain't nobody going nowhere.
You're on to something here poetry-wise.
I look forward to exploring with you the things that really put the Shea Butter back into your life. That oil is such a rich metaphor...
Blessings,
A (Oh, was that you who suggested the name change? Well I'll be. Since then I do use other names sometimes just to play with the idea. How about "Miss Static Cling"?)
Hey! I read your supportive affirming post about me and my goofy advice, but can't find it in the free-for-all which is now our beloved Relationship forum. It was very nice and it sleeked my feelings all silky.
By the way it is a total hoot reading your posts interspersed with Mr. Number Guy. What a team! You two are amicable and yet so different. I would like to see a TV advice show with the 2 of you in a studio. I would actually go find a TV and watch it for a show like that.
- I forgot I bought shea butter! smile... pjangel 18 y 1,542
- hey poet lady Autumn
18 y
1,772
- Re: hiya Autumn pjangel
18 y
1,603
- Re: Autumn, 42781, and all other car... #42781
18 y
1,653
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