Well, it looks like I've got a new challange.

To let it go. Get healthy. Learn to organize. And figure out what I'm going to do to support myself within two years.

I guess that's the worse case scenario. At our "meeting" my husband said I don't do anything, have no responsibilites, do no work, am responsible for the fact we don't have any nice things, I'm lousy with money, and only imagine I have done a great job clothing, feeding, educating 5 children on what I'd say, over 26 years, has averaged...maybe $34,000 a year.....(that's counting the years of married college, when I supported us) When the ecclesiatic leader asked him if I did a good job educating our children (the first was national merit, full ride (he lost it), second semi finalist, full ride college except the fifth year, has moved home, will finish college with no debt, the third 4th in her class, enough scholarships and work to finish, again without debt, the fourth is a junior, and if he would quit interfering, I could help her use her talents to get scholarhsips, and the 11 year old is just balanced and smart,(he's never been to public school, but I had him tested, 8th and 9th stanines, if that means anything to anyone) And that's all with me going through severe clinical Depression since his birth. And I'm WORTHLESS in his eyes. Oh, he better be glad I didn't go to law school like he wanted me to, or he would be in BIG SH**. I didn't go, because I'm scared of angry people. At least I used to be. I better be over it; because he is going to get VERY angry when he gets home tonight and his stuff is out of our bedroom. I've got a busy day planned.
No sleep or not.


He just got a $20,000 raise and I understand that he hasn't saved anything for retirment and he's almost 50, but he told the mediator he WOULD NOT/COULD NOT give me $300 a month to pay for my accupunturist, classes, doctor, etc. I didn't push it yet, but then he turned around and suggested that if I needed to sleep, and the basement wasn't working, why didn'tI go visit my sister--the airfare would only be $200. He wasn't willing to give up the waterbed until Sunday. That was an interesting mixed message.

So I either fall apart, back into depression, or I fight--not for the marriage, but for me. The only new piece of furniture I've bought in 26 years of marriage was our waterbed and when his mother passed 22 years ago, we bought a piano for the children (I don't play). I've never had a new car, (8 years old is the 'newest')never bought an expensive dress (once bought a $100 dress, but I took it back), spend NOTHING on makeup (good thing I'm a natural girl) and only lately buy food etc at the health food store. He told the mediator that 25% of what they carry in Wild Oats in on our shelves. I'm ALMOST angry enough to make that true. Any organic canned goods I buy, I buy at the flea market. BIG SIGH. So the THOUSANDS of hours I have spent figuring which roll of toilet paper is the cheapest, which bag of flour, pouring over ads for the "loss leaders", going to the 'bag sale'at the local thrift store once a month to dress myself and my children for the last ten years (everything you can fit in a bag for $5--and you can try it on first has NO VALUE> = And he blamed our financial woes of ME. I've frittered it all away.

I'm hurt and angry, and I"M GOING TO BE JUST FINE. I was asking that my health become a priority so that I relax enough to sleep and quite worrying so much--put the 'marriage relationship' on hold for a year. (background--I've been sleeping 3 or 4 hours since Oct., and it was getting to the breaking point) What I got back was quite a surprise. I guess the most telling thing was, that he didn't want to say that about my handling of money....he said, I'd say something but you won't like it. I said "That's why we are here with someone to mediate. Say it. " So he did. He said I was like his MOTHER, buying foolish things and wasting money because something was a good deal. He claimed I didn't buy the food he liked to eat, and that for 3 weeks he'd had grits on the list, and I hadn't bought them. He whined that I didn't keep orange juice on hand, and then said "And she thinks milk is bad for you. Won't even keep that in the fridge for me." Our daughter had done a report on how milk leaches calcium from the bones in high school--it's a family joke. He shared it and I looked like I was against God, pie, and mother country--(she's nuts--she thinks milk is bad. see what I put up with?)

He said he would take over the grocery shopping and THEN would give me money for myself. Said I didn't cook that much anyway (I'm a wonderful cook). I said NOPE.

That's enough venting for now. He will have several surprises in the next couple days. He ain't seen nothing yet.

PJ