Alikat
It may not be just a matter of taking time, patience or KY jelly. A small percentage of women present a very thick hymen which does not readily open upon the presence of a penis. Some hymens stretch out so readily that even the use of menstrual tampons will begin to stretch it, making penile penetration much easier those first times. However, with the thicker hymen, the opening is so very small that you could not insert more than a pencil if you tried.
In these cases, a visi to the gyn is required. They can open it up surgically, or streth it out by using litle rods, one by one, with the addition of numbing cream. Not very romantic, but very effctive.
You seem like you have a pretty healthy atittude in spite of your unfortunate past, so it doesn't sound like you are exeriencing vaginitis as a result of bad memories. In all probability, a visit to your doc just to get things checked out anatomically will give you great peace of mind.
Blessings to you and enjoy your married life to the fullest!!