Scared and Insecure--Maybe He's Bett... 
kind_heart
20 y
1,706
Hi there guys, how are all of you? Anyways here's my problem
I have been around these boards looking at the different topics and I have found some very interesting insights and information. Well, I have a couple of questions for everyone and anyone. You see the thing is, is that I'm a virgin (Gosh I can hear most of you laughing at me right now), but my boyfriend isn't. While I do plan on waiting until I'm married to have sex (or as I prefer to call it making love) I was wondering how some of you cope with the feelings of maybe thinking of being compared to a past lover(s) in your s.o's past. (if you or them weren't the first).
Secondly, if you were plagued by these feelings how did you get over it? I'm not holding his past against him whatsoever. I guess what bothers me the most is that if I did decide to want to take things to the next level with him, I wouldn't want to try new positions or other forms of intimate experimentation b/c I'd feel 'well, he probably already did this with so and such at so and such a place...why would he bother wanting to do those things with me? If and when I'm able to over come these insecurities, I know that when I do have a sex life I want it to be wonderful and absolutely fun and spicy.
*Secondly if someone you cared about was feeling the way that I do now, how would you feel and would there be anything you would do to alleviate such insecurities. Thank you all ahead of time for your input and advice I appreciate it very much.
*My bf has never ever compared me to past ex's nor has he pressured me into having sex...he respects my decision to wait.
*Sometimes I think maybe I should break things off with him in order to stop feeling so insecure, so that he'd be better off with someone at his level of experience, it seems like all guys would rather be with an experienced girl, rather than one they would have to 'teach' and didn't have a clue as to what she is doing (Unfortuately I have this perspective b/c I used to be teased by a group of guys while in high school )
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- Re: Scared and Insecure--Maybe He's ... #11369
20 y
1,771
MoreThis is a reply to # 532,215
Please do not feel that way. I'm a male, and I admire your strenght for waiting until you get married. I think most guys would agree with me in that we would not mind teaching or learning about sex with someone we love. I honestly think that being a virgen for both, has to be the best, because then you know that you're the first at everything.... I know it's not always possible, but I think it's the best. If you're O.K. with your boyfriend's past, then try not to think that he's comparing you because we're all different in so many ways..... It's a good thing that he's respecting your wish and I hope you keep that promise with yourself. Your should be proud of being strong. Don't ever let others make you feel bad, on the contrary, you should feel good because you're not rsiking your health with venereal diseases or unwanted pregnancy. Chin up....
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- experience... thinker
20 y
1,731
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This is a reply to # 532,215There really is no need to feel this way. As anyone will tell you, true love knows no comparison. Lovers don't compare those that they have known. I have dated women who have felt this way, some have been okay with the idea of my experience, others have not. Those that haven't ended up eating themselves over the topic. They allowed it to consume their happiness and as obvious as it may seem, we are no longer together.
Your boyfriend sounds like a nice enough guy. Talk to him about this. I am quite sure that he will tell you that his past means very little to him and can actually grow to be an asset to YOU. Men are not natural lovers. Sure we may hope to be, but its something that takes times. The art of making love to a women takes the presence of a woman who is willing to get in touch with herself and share that knowledge with a man. The reason being, we are just so gosh dern different. Most of the erogenous zones on a man are not the same as they are on a woman. The amount of pressure used is not the same, and all of this takes time to learn. The wonderful thing about this, is that its all at your pace. Sure he may have done certain positions in the past, but that doesn't mean that it is the same. Even the shared knowledge of a couple of women won't make a man a wonderful lover. What works for one woman, may not work for another. So, his experience, other than allowing him to narrow in on what works for you sooner, it still isn't the same. Think of it as a flower or a snow flake. Each one is different and special. All women are different and special. So regardless of how many snow flakes he may have seen in the past, none have been you, and so don't really matter do they?
Good luck in dealing with your opportunity for growth. If you want to see something of the visual sense, go rent "chasing amy". Its a tongue and cheek sort of comedy about this very same issue. It won't replace personal experience, but it will give you some to think about....
good luck,
thinker - VIRGIN TERRITORY. mtnndeww
20 y
1,677
This is a reply to # 532,215Excellent question and one of the absolute toughest around. For a woman, you've got balls to ask! Your bf is one lucky guy...hope he realizes it. I can sit here and tell you that waiting for the one is the way to go, but you wouldn't believe me because I didn't wait myself. I LOVED having the knowledge, the expertise and dating then marrying a honey with equal talent. There was no better time had by two...if the internet was going back then, we'd have starred in our own production. We both benefited, no learning curves here. The ones who didn't have the talent, I dropped. So, sue me! I have dated bedroom superstars and bunkhouse duds who couldn't perform a decent "Lewinsky" if their life depended on it. There's a BIG DIFFERENCE, believe me. I'm a hypocrite on this issue, I'll admit it. I've made a decision...here's my advice to you: You've waited this long, why don't you just get married and then let loose? You can only be a virgin once, plenty of time to get laid properly once the wedding ring is on your finger. There it is...whew! How 'bout an easier question next time...OK?Advertisement
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- 12 year old virgin? thinker
20 y
2,851
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This is a reply to # 532,218Dew,
Most of the time I agree with you... this time however I think you missed somehthing (or maybe I did). How OLD is this young lady? She never states her age.
thinker- What? Ev
20 y
1,739
This is a reply to # 532,219It doesn't matter how old she is...it doesn't change the fact that waiting is the best option
- :o) EV thinker
20 y
1,739
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This is a reply to # 532,221Age matters. It always has and always will. Maturity and mental preparedness for adult situation should always be a standard for conduct.
I think you miss read me. I never said 'not to wait'. She didn't ask that. Or at least I don't remember seeing it. What I did address were her questions regarding experience and dealing with being the one on the lower end.
I was also dissagreeing with the Dew meister regarding his comments.
Hope this clears it up. :o)
thinker
- :o) EV thinker
20 y
1,739
- YOU CAN INFER THAT SHE'S AT LEAST CO... mtnndeww
20 y
1,648
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This is a reply to # 532,219from her comment "I used to get teased in high school." Most people graduate HS at 17 or 18. Her tone suggests someone hovering around 20.
- What? Ev
20 y
1,739
- Re: VIRGIN TERRITORY. #16422
20 y
1,725
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This is a reply to # 532,218Well, I thought was that if she is old enough to bleed then she is old enough to enter. I love talking virgins and making them know that they are so good.
.................
- 12 year old virgin? thinker
20 y
2,851
- To Wait or not to Wait... Ev
20 y
1,743
This is a reply to # 532,215Wait, always wait! Don't let anyone ever talk you out of waiting...sex with the "mr. right" can obviously be very enjoyable, but sex with the "mr. wrong" can scar you....so I say wait until you are absolutely sure, and to be absolutely sure it is usally wise to wait till after the wedding, besides it is the most precious gift you can give your husband.
Here's my thoughts on your boyfriend {bf}, why care about his past? It is really a waste of time, I always figure if it was so great with another person, or at another time, then he'd still be there....
Unless his past gives you cause for concern, if I was you, I'd just not worry about it and train myself to not think about it. I have been there also, I used to concern myself with my bf'ssss past but then I figured {sort of like an epiphany} that it was a waste of my time and concern. And adopted the attitude {responsibly of course} of "Who Cares?" Because, it is the past you can't do anything at all to change it, and besides most men don't compare if they do then they aren't worth it!
blessings to you, and remember always wait! It is the better option....
- MORE REFLECTION NEEDED... mtnndeww
20 y
1,715
This is a reply to # 532,220Advertisement
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This "wait, wait, wait" attitude that you have, Ev, it intrigues me. What really am I waiting for? I've talked to plenty of "waiters" over the years and don't hear any great enjoyment with being untalented...especially by the husbands! What I do hear is a whole lot of angst and disappointment that they don't perform sex at any level of competence. I KNOW I'm supposed to love a virgin, but I don't see any pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. Guys don't love cold fish virgins, that's silliness. There ain't that many virgins to love in the first place. Guys want a little spice in their women, some magnetism and sex appeal. We all know that. Don't take any of this the wrong way because you and I usually see eye to eye on things...but this is where I don't get what you're talking about. Sex is a huge part of a guy's life, trying to minimize it is like saying to you women, "Oh, getting a job isn't that important to me, I'm gonna sit this one out for a couple of months." Sex for guys is just as important to us as financial security is to you. How long would you go without a paycheck? Not being capable (or willing) in the bedroom causes 6 out of 10 marital problems, hands down. Give me a bedroom superstar and I'll give you a satsified husband that's counting the hours at work 'til quitting time! Show me a dud in the sack, and I'll show you a guy that's weighing his options. This is from decades of communication with women and men of all ages and beliefs...what gives you the indication that a woman who won't have sex while dating is going to magically want to have a ton of sex when she's married? Marriage slows sex down to a grinding halt...that's why they have "married couple jokes". That's why they're funny...because they're true! Seinfeld was right! Cosby was right! I really hate to say it out loud, but, you better get all the great sex you can while you're young and virile because it ain't gonna maintain that level with all the responsibilities of marriage. And everybody reading this post knows how true it is! Convince me...really...convince me otherwise.
- MORE REFLECTION NEEDED... mtnndeww
20 y
1,715
- Re: Scared and Insecure--Maybe He's ... #157
20 y
1,577
This is a reply to # 532,215Let him make up his own mind... If he thought he Needed a girl "to put out" He woulda left skid marks by now LOL
As for waiting:
Heck I can't get from the grocery store to home with out ripping into a twinkie LOL
And Yes I do think people compare.. come on
I dont think they hold it against you But I think it has to have crossed their mind at least once.
- honestly.. #23388
20 y
1,705
This is a reply to # 532,215If you ask me, sex isn't the most important thing to him. if your bf's biggest thing right now was having sex, either he would have left, or you would know because he would have tried to pressure you somehow. the fact that he doesn't says something!
now as a guy, if I was getting serious about settling down I would look for somebody who didn't consider sex to be a hugely important factor in a relationship. my reason being that sex can be something that can make or destroy a relationship very easily. it's hard to figure lust or love- I've been trying to figure that out for the last year and a half in my current relationship.
don't break things off to keep from feeling insecure.. feel secure because he stays with you, try to understand what is important to him, it sounds like you have already told him what is important to you, and its a good thing that he respects that.
make sure that you don't ever have sex before you are ready for it, sex can leave some of the biggest scars imaginable, scars that can last for your entire life....
if you should decide that you are ready for a sex life, then don't be afraid because he has had partners before.. thats only going to take away from the experience.. hell, honestly a lot of guys like virgins better!
hopefully that helped, good luck with everything!!Advertisement
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- Re: Scared and Insecure--Maybe He's ... lostgirl
20 y
1,689
This is a reply to # 532,215Girl,
I was there. My boyfriend (now husband)had 3 lovers before me. I was a virgin and of course I always think about those 3 girls. He never talks about them not but when we first started dating, I had asked questions about them because I wanted to know. Now, I kind of wish I didn't ask because his answers are still stuck in my head after 3 years. One girl used to swallow and I would never do that so I've always wondered if he liked her more for doing that. That same girl used to always be on top because she liked to be in control, but I like it on the bottom because I like the feeling of him being on me. Lately he always wants me on top because he says he likes it better but I like the bottom. I know it has nothing to do with that ex but that thought is still in my head. He tells me he doesnt even remember them anymore and even that his first was "EWW SUCH A BIG MISTAKE" but who knows.
Its a tough one. I love having sex with my man. But sometimes sex is un-needed stress. I got pregnant, God knows what diseases are out these days, you don't want to be compared to the ex's, etc.
My mom waited 4 years to have sex with her highschool lover and then the chase was over and he broke up. Sex is nice but it's up to you. Sometimes it can change a relationship for the worse. Good luck! - Don't sweat the small stuff. #1130
20 y
1,729
This is a reply to # 532,215I've been there. My Roman Catholic upbringing scared me into thinking I should not be having sex until I was married. I had BF's, but refused to have sex because I was scared, emotionally and physically. I finally one day got together with a guy friend of mine. 2 weeks into the relationship, I decided that tonight would be the night I give it up to him. I thought he was so worthy of me. I went to his apt and just when I was getting snuggly with him and ready to make my move, he tells me he has been seeing this girl at his work (whom was married, mind you). I was so traumatized, and ran away like a 12 year old crying my eyes out. He has no idea why I took it so hard, I never told him what my plans were that night.
Needless to say I met someone else a few months later. I asked a guy friend what I should do on my first "date" with this guy. He told me to just jump him. I did just that. My date stopped me, and I was so embarassed and left his place very confused. What in the heck do guys want, for cryin' out loud! So, I actually saw this guy again, and again, and before I knew it, we were together for 4 months. He never asked me for sex, because he learned I was a virgin. He didn't pressure me. We went away on a trip/vacation together and I decided that night was the night. It was horribly painful, but I finally did it. After all was said and done, 5 years later, we got married. I wish I wasn't so scared to try new things. I wish I didn't let my religious upbringing get in the way (I'm totally not religious, but I was worried about the consequences, just in case. LOL). I wish I was more experianced like my husband was, but now, it doesn't matter. If you love each other, and you feel comfortable, and you are protected and safe, don't feel guilt if you wind up doing it. I was actually releived, and actually started having fun in life. Don't be hard on yourself because you decide to wait, either. You won't fret when you know it's right. It's corney, but let your heart guide you.Advertisement
9 Day Fasting Program
Complete with herbs and clay to eliminate hunger and cleansing reactions.
- Don't sweat the small stuff. #1130
20 y
1,600
This is a reply to # 532,215I've been there. My Roman Catholic upbringing scared me into thinking I should not be having sex until I was married. I had BF's, but refused to have sex because I was scared, emotionally and physically. I finally one day got together with a guy friend of mine. 2 weeks into the relationship, I decided that tonight would be the night I give it up to him. I thought he was so worthy of me. I went to his apt and just when I was getting snuggly with him and ready to make my move, he tells me he has been seeing this girl at his work (whom was married, mind you). I was so traumatized, and ran away like a 12 year old crying my eyes out. He has no idea why I took it so hard, I never told him what my plans were that night.
Needless to say I met someone else a few months later. I asked a guy friend what I should do on my first "date" with this guy. He told me to just jump him. I did just that. My date stopped me, and I was so embarassed and left his place very confused. What in the heck do guys want, for cryin' out loud! So, I actually saw this guy again, and again, and before I knew it, we were together for 4 months. He never asked me for sex, because he learned I was a virgin. He didn't pressure me. We went away on a trip/vacation together and I decided that night was the night. It was horribly painful, but I finally did it. After all was said and done, 5 years later, we got married. I wish I wasn't so scared to try new things. I wish I didn't let my religious upbringing get in the way (I'm totally not religious, but I was worried about the consequences, just in case. LOL). I wish I was more experianced like my husband was, but now, it doesn't matter. If you love each other, and you feel comfortable, and you are protected and safe, don't feel guilt if you wind up doing it. I was actually releived, and actually started having fun in life. Don't be hard on yourself because you decide to wait, either. You won't fret when you know it's right. It's corney, but let your heart guide you. - Re: Scared and Insecure--Maybe He's ... farhan
20 y
1,637
This is a reply to # 532,215You named it "Making Love" rather than "Having Sex", and this says it all. The love between you and your bf will make your first time and every time so unique, because the way two people love each other is as different in every relationship as our finger prints, never the same.
Best of luck.
- Re: Scared and Insecure--Maybe He's ... #11369
20 y
1,771
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