Andreas,

What is it I want?
What am I looking for?

Freedom.
I felt free once:
Like every chain
that had ever held me down
was gone.
I had no fear, no worries.
They were replaced by faith and peace.

‘SHOULD’s were gone.
‘Ought to’s’ were banished;
Expectations of others had
evaporated away.
I felt free from anger
and ugliness.
My heart felt warm
and tender.
Judgments of others
had melted away,
replaced by acceptance
and genuine caring.

I felt connected—
like answers awaited me
in the flower, the tree,
the grassy field.
Answers for all the questions
were everywhere around me.
I was part of the whole,
and it felt good.

Grass was greener;
the sky was bluer;
Birds sang more sweetly,
Food tasted better.

I felt ALIVE!
Like I had stepped up
to view life
at a happier level.

People looked more beautiful.
Smiles seemed to burst out
on my face.
Laughter came easily,
As did tears.

I felt like I’d fallen in step
with the earth around me,
and there was flow…

I flowed with people—
not pushing nor pulling them
moving with them;
not against them.

I felt connected
to strangers as well as to friends
Possibilities opened up,
and the world seemed full of promise.

My mind stirred
and I felt capable
of climbing mountains,
and I yearned for knowledge
learning simply
for the joy
of learning.

I enjoyed the present moment
and put the past and the future
in their place;
and by living in the now,
the past and the future become friends
and ceased to be my enemy.

I felt lightened,
like the cares of the world
were taken off my shoulders,
and that my own burdens
would now be made light—

I WANT IT BACK!

How like a petulant child
I am.
I know it is fruitless to bemoan the fact
that it is gone;
and to be stuck
and hurting
because I don’t know
HOW I lost it.

I want to find it again.
Please
let it be more
than a beautiful dream
that upon awakening fades away.
There are more dreams
to be dreamt.
Help me find my way
back to freedom
peace
connectness
and love.

That time of connectedness seems SO long ago(1994)....the 'poem' isn't new either; the last line is one of my hearts greatest desires-- "Help me find my way back to freedom, peace, connectedness, and love." I’ve asked many people for help as I’ve traveled this path. and many ‘angels’ have appeared out of nowhere in human form. The deep depressions come and go….I’ve tied a knot and held on when it seemed hopeless, and eventually a respite from the hell of depression comes…I’m trying to heal spiritually as well as physically, emotionally, mentally; all aspect of me.

I’m sure it is all connected.

Do you have any directions for finding my way? Is the place I described a place I can stay or only visit? If I can stay, how? Do you know?

blessings, peace and joy,
pjangel