Subject: Medical mal-priceless


A man came into the ER and yelled, "My wife's going to have her
baby in the cab!" I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the
lady's dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed
that there were several cabs, and I was in the wrong one.
Dr. Mark MacDonald (San Antonio, TX)

At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly
and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. "Big
breaths," instructed. "Yes, they used to be," remorsefully replied the
patient.
Dr. Richard Byrnes (Seattle, WA)

One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife
that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than
five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family
that he had died of a "massive internal fart."
Dr. Susan Steinberg (Manitoba, Canada)

I was performing a complete physical, including the visual acuity
test. I placed the patient twenty feet from the chart and
began, "Cover your right eye with your hand." He read the 20/20
line perfectly. "Now your left." Again, a flawless read. "Now both," I
requested. There was silence. He couldn't even read the large E
on the top line I turned and discovered that he had done exactly what I
had asked; he was standing there with both his eyes covered. I was
laughing too hard to finish the exam.
Dr. Matthew Theodropolous (Worcester, MA)

During a patient's two-week follow-up appointment with his
cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having
trouble with one of his medications. "Which one?" I asked. "The patch. The nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm
running out of places to put it!" I had him quickly undress and
discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see. Yes, the man had over
fifty patches on his body! Now the instructions include removal of the
old patch before applying a new one.
Dr. Rebecca St.Clair (Norfolk, VA)

While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked,
"How long have you been bedridden?" After a look of complete confusion she
answered...."Why, not for about twenty years -- when my husband
was alive."
Dr. Steven Swanson (Corvallis, OR)

I was caring for a woman from Kentucky and asked, "So, how's your
breakfast this morning?" "It's very good, except for the Kentucky
Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste," the patient replied. I
then asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet
labeled "KY Jelly."
Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit, MI

And the winner is..
A new, young MD doing his residency in OB was quite
embarrassed performing female pelvic exams. To cover his
embarrassment he had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly. The
middle-aged lady upon whom he was performing this exam suddenly
burst out laughing and further embarrassed him. He looked up from his
work and sheepishly said, "I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?" She replied,
"No doctor, but the song you were whistling was 'I wish I was an
Oscar Meyer Wiener'.