MANY THANKS FOR ALL YOUR ADVICE.


I must send my thanks to whoever sent me the one about rat poop in the
glue on envelopes because I now have
to use a wet towel with every envelope that needs sealing.


Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same
reason.


I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny
Brown) who is about to die in the
hospital for the 1,387,258th time.


I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive
the $15,000 that Bill
Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their
special e-mail program.




I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking
out for me, and St. Theresa's novena
has granted my every wish.


I no longer eat KFC because the chickens are actually horrible mutant
freaks with no eyes or feathers.


I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a
water buffalo on a hot day.


Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I
forward an e-mail to seven of my friends
and make a wish within five minutes.


Because of your concern, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can
remove toilet stains.


I no longer can buy gasoline without taking a someone along to watch
the car, so that a serial killer won't
crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas.


I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make these
products are atheists who refuse to put
"Under God" on their cans.


I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.




And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup of water in the
microwave anymore because it will blow up
in my face....disfiguring me for life.


I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be
pricked with a needle infected with
AIDS.


I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a
perfume sample and rob me.


I no longer receive packages from UPS and FedEx since they are
actually Al Qaeda in disguise.


I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our
American troops or the Salvation
Army.


I no long answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a
number for which I will get a phone bill
with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore, and Uzbekistan.


I no longer have any sneakers, --- but that will change once I receive
my free replacement pair from
Nike, that someone assured me would happen shortly.


Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown
African spider is lurking under
the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my butt.


Thank you too for all the endless advice Andy Rooney has given us. I
can live a better life now because
he's told us how to fix everything.


And thanks to your great advice, I can't ever pick up $5.00 I dropped
in the parking lot because it probably
was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my
leg. Oh, and don't forget this one.
I can no longer drive my car because I can't buy gas from certain gas
companies!


Sooooooooooooooooooooooooo, if you don't send this email to at least
144,000 people in the next 70
minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 PM
tomorrow afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back,
causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it
actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's
ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician.


HAVE A WONDERFUL DAY !


OH, BY THE WAY.................................................


According to a new study, a South American scientist from Argentina,
after a lengthy study, has discovered
that people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mail with
their hand on the mouse.


Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late !


Thanks