I was actually hesitant to mention the well-being of this child, simply because the mother is already on the defensive, and I got a sense that it could have been construed as criticism, rather than an objective observation. VERY good point, Blond100.
The children, indeed, are horribly damaged by the ongoing chaos, which is why someone has to step up to the plate, and center themselves to teach the children that "life isn't fair," and how to press on with calm and common sense. It's tantamount to becoming an advocate of truth and fact, and acknowledging feelings and emotions as valid, but not always reliable. It's no easy task, as I'll witness from my own personal experiences.
My children suffered horribly from the exposure to the domestic violence and abuse, and the subsequent ugliness that resulted from my divorce from their father. And, I had nowhere to turn, and no blog or website to consult - my own family members chose to support the abuser instead of their child, such was his charm and depth of manipulations. And, here is an irrefutable fact with regard to the whole matter of what happens to the children of such dysfuction: there are only 2 outcomes for children who are raised in such an environment of dysfunction. They will develop into a) a perfect victim, or b) a perfect abuser. There are no other outcomes without strong and hard work by the non-abuser parent. This is a fact. It's not a feeling, belief, or opinion. It's a statistical and documented fact. There's also a factor that DNA plays in the offspring, but that's for an entirely different discussion.
Here's the bottom line: the years of trauma cannot - can not - be recovered and healed within one fell swoop. One step at a time is the only way to emerge from DV&A with any success. Without rewiring the catastrophic thinking, learning how to interrupt the vortex from forming, and developing a "practical mind" to meet the "emotional mind" in the center, a victim of DV&A will inevitably choose another abuser, either in the form of another intimate partner, or friends/associates. It's hard and challening work, and it has to begin somewhere. The behaviors and reactions are widely noted as "normal" for victims of DV&A to experience, and there is a cycle that is also noted by trained professionals that are directly associated with the traumas. The recovery has to begin, somewhere. Only after recovery can actual healing of the mind, body, and spirit truly begin.
For me, it was coming to accept the fact that specific people didn't care. I could not wrap my head around this fact, for a long, long time. How can someone with whom I produced children, or pledged my loyalty and devotion to "not care?" How is that even possible? Well, it took some time and contemplation to get to "acceptance." And, "acceptance" is that point where I could no longer wish for, negotiate, or bargain for a more pleasant or comfortable set of facts. There is no pleasant, easy, or simple path to "acceptance." It is painful, challenging, sad, and arduous.
Meditation, prayer, mindfulness, or even being "present" helps to quiet the mind and stop the endless chatter of trauma. This allows for contemplation of facts, rather than reactions to triggers.
One step at a time. And, I believe that recognizing what the child is suffering might also be a powerful catalyst to getting down and doing the hard work of personal recovery. The child will see and learn about healthy coping strategies, how to construct and maintain boundaries, and that they are precious in this vast Universe because their non-abuser parent has evolved into a survivor and emerged as a centered and balanced individual. Indeed.........what a very, very important point.
PeacePlease7, I see that you're very, very raw........I'm not taking your inventory, by any stretch of the imagination, and I responded to your obvious state of anxiety with what I thought might help you.
I feel very sorry for you that you shared your story and didn't get what you expected from the effort. It may be a useful caveat to let readers know that you do not want "unsolicited advice," and that you are simply typing in a global, online venue to vent.
I will certainly know not to offer any suggestions, again.
Good luck to you
PP7, LOLOLOL!!!! I am neither your peer, nor are you conversing, and you are absolutely road-rash raw if any part of your story is actually true - you chose to post on this site to pick a fight, for whatever reason.
Perhaps, you feel as if you cannot "win" in any other venue than an online anonymous site. I don't know, nor do I care, because I've "seen" this type of online behavior come and go on this site for many years............"hon."
Didn't ask how you felt? Your anger, fear, anxiety, and rage were quite clear in your posts. If you don't believe that it's necessary to make it perfectly clear on an online support forum (NO vocal inflections, NO body language) that you are just venting and desire no response, then whatever discomfort you feel from any response is your own problem. You own it.............."hon."
As for attempting to use 12-Step support group phrases to rationalize and justify your online rage and rant, nice........but, over 30 years in 12-Step programs gives me a little insight into who might be in recovery and who might just be talking the talk, and sitting on their asses inventing new and more creative ways to act-out when they aren't making noise. Someone who is in healthy recovery would clearly recognize commiseration, compassion, and a desire to support from another person and accept it as just that. You came online to this site for the sole purpose of picking a fight, not to tell your story......."hon."
PP7, this is the last message that I will direct specifically to you.
I started the NPD forum for the purpose of support, education, and discussion, years ago. I've also been involved with recovery and support groups, in real life, for many, many years - for longer than you've probably been on this planet.
If you did not get what you expected on this forum, then move on. I do not pander to armchair psychologists and people who play musical chairs with their status. From terrified and abused victim, to venerably healed, to "righteously" outraged, to judge-and-jury, to wounded martyr, you have played each of these roles in this single thread - a forum to which you are absolutely new and thought you'd come into like a steam-roller. Well, the onus is upon your shoulders, my dear, because you didn't take the time to consider your own "online" behavior before you tried to use this venue as your personal latrine. If you want to vent, rant, rave, you can author your own bLog on this website and actually control the responses to your posts. Otherwise, this isn't your sandbox and you don't write the rules............"hon."
If calling a spade what it is can be construed as "taking (your) inventory," then so be it. You're looking for a "safe" and anonymous place to act out your various roles, and I will give no further time to any of the characters in your Machiavellian drama/trauma. So you clearly understand, I deleted my own message, not the Moderator. If you read my message before it was deleted, then you are more of a drama-queen than you've already revealed yourself to be as I was "sharing" a commonly-used technique for managing anxiety - a technique that you would be familiar with if you actually are involved in counseling therapy and your counselor is as "GOOD" as you claim them to be.
Continue posting, continue ranting, continue your drama/trauma, or not - there are literally hundreds of other sites, online, that will actually enable this type petulant passive/aggressive behavior. Whatever you choose to do, PP7, I refuse to enable your drama-thon. Finis
I will respectfully request that the Moderator of this forum move this entire thread to Personal Conflicts or Fight Club.