While being at home, I learned to appreciate and be thankful for the things that God has blessed me with...like today I've been reading a textbook and a thought hit me... probably I had never before thanked God for giving me eyes that can see, that I am not blind, that I can read and learn so many things, that I can read your experiences and empathy right this moment. There are just so many things that I can look at and enjoy even indoor while these are the same things which the blinds can go outdoor for but never see and appreciate.
I am thankful that I am not writhing in pain...I knew how to be in physical pain and I don't wanna be in it any second longer because in that short moment that I was, I could not even think of happy thoughts. I didnt have the choice to think positive, that choice that I have now. My mind, my energy and my entire being was all screaming that pain that I was feeling.
With my sight, I was also able to watch a documentary of someone who has severe dystonia or involuntary muscle movement. Then my mind went on to someone I know who was paralyzed from the spine below, who might never be able to walk or work again and just under the care and mercy of his wife. Yet there are also people feeding or defecating on tubes with vital organs out of whack. As I thought of all these...I thank God so much that yes, I may not be earning for a living, but at least I am not bedridden who isn't only dependent on family for food and basic necessities, but also needs to be taken care of in terms of feeding, washing or wiping himself. I am not completely inutile. I still have my hands and feet to help on the household chores or clean the house when they're all out for work or school.
In the meantime, while waiting for God's deliverance, I can make use of my time productively. I can read, self study and learn new things which I never had the chance and time to do while caught up in the busyness of the workplace.
By saying that, yes, I am not giving up hope that one day, we can heal and rise from this completely. Who knows, that one day can be soon, after many years.
I also said that handicaps are better off than us because though they have physical defects and also endure insults sometimes, they are, many times treated with acceptance, pity and even given priority, while we are always hurled with insults and contempt.
Looking back, I thank God so much that He's not allowed any of those things to happen. I couldn't imagine myself having only one leg or having any part of my body twisted, or being blind or deaf-mute, or paralyzed at a wheelchair needing help even in going to the toilet which some would find gross or utterly shameful. I also thank God for His protection that I have not experienced the danger of being robbed, kidnapped, attacked physically or even as a woman. I couldn't imagine the horrid images of those scenes, the trauma it could cause not just myself, but also my loved ones. The list could go on and on but I couldn't imagine living my life that way either. As I think of these things, I realize I actually have a lot to thank God for. I thank God for blessing me with a good job before (I believe another shot at this is coming soon). I thank God for a good family, which I got closer to and learned to open up with while in this ordeal... and that it's okay to be weak in front of them because they're always ready to take me in...they're the people whom God sent in my life to never leave me...that despite my rejection of myself, they did not reject me...they're always there for me just because...yes just because I am their own flesh and blood. Thank you God for letting me be a part of a family. I pray for those who are orphan.
Through all of this, I've learned to see that everyone has his set of series of tests in this journey called life. It maybe being handicap, being kidnapped, having broken family or marriage, miscarriage, sterility, losing a loved one in death, or in my or our case, this condition. Some may be harder or hardest from our standard. But whatever the challenge is, I believe that God will make it pass, even ours.
After many long years (more or less 15) of this hardest struggle, I have learned to persist in hoping. In life, we've got a choice to make, either to believe that we are on this alone or that we have a God who are with us in our journey. After several times of giving up on God and not finding a way forward, I've now made a final choice and will go all the way forward in faith.
Someone said that Jesus descended to the abyss, to the deepest depth so no matter how low we go, even if we hit rock bottom, His arms are still underneath to bear us up.