Hah this is so tiring. What do you do when you're not comfortable even to be with your family. You're just so scared of having people get close to you because of the reactions you get from them, even if it's your family. You get paranoid and it seems you're always watching for their hand movements, see if they're rubbing their noses or raising their hands as if to show you it's not them stinking. I've becoming so jumpy that I jerk everytime i hear them cough or sneeze. It's taking a toll on my heart, i've been feeling constant chest pains now from too much fear. I know this is just psychological but i couldn't shake this fear off me, i think i'm gonna have a nervous breakdown. It's so hard, sometimes i would sit without moving my arms for 2 hours or so because i'm so afraid that if i do, they would get a whiff. Later, i would have numbness and aching joints. Sometimes, i would also hold my breath for fear that they would also smell my nose. I'm so tired of living a life like this.
I resigned from work because i could no longer hold my fear, it's overpowering that i could no longer do my job responsibilities, let alone muster the courage to go to office. And i'm running out of finances, could not depend on my family on that as I had always been the one who helped them in the past, being the highest earner, and we're not well off. I really just forced myself to work in the past so as not to starve but imagine the suffering i had to endure every day. Thought that quitting from work and staying at home would somehow give me relief, even for a short time, but i'm just as restless at home, if not more, thinking that you're alone in this battle. I feel so alone, dont know where else to go, it seems like i dont have a place on this earth. I've been reading many of your posts here and found out that i'm not a lone sufferer but it seems nothing really helps, the weight in my heart is just getting heavier and it's like going to explode. I desperately want to shout to get all the anger, the frustrations and the pain off my chest but even that i could not do or our neighbors would think i'm crazy. Sigh. So many times i wish to die to rest from all this, but i could never bring myself to commit suicide. That's why sometimes i also think it's better to just become lunatic so i wouldn't have to endure all this suffering.
Inspite of all this, i still believe that there is a God out there who sees and
knows our situation. I believe He understands us as even the prophets Elijah and Jeremiah asked God to take away their lives because it was too hard for them.
Several times, I blamed God and was bitter towards Him but i always find myself going back as my life was worse without Him. The couple of times i fell away, i realize that i could not continue to live life not believing there is a God. Because even if there was no God, i would still wish there is a God. Because He's my only hope, hope that i would get out of this someday. And now, i've decided that i would keep believing till my last breath.
Hence, despite everything i've been going thru, i still believe that He
would get us out of this pit, someday in His time and in His ways. And as
long as i live, i would call on Him. So pls help pray, really need prayers and i still believe in prayers. Let's pray for one another. Thank you all.