This is my first post on this forum. I've been browsing it for the last couple of months and now feel compelled to contribute. MrBBQ's posts have had an especially profound effect on me; probably because we are close to the same age and, from what I gather, are at similar points in our lives.
I'd like to share a bit of my background because I feel that it's relevant to my battles with adrenal fatigue. I was one of the unfortunate souls who was brought up in an abusive, poverty-stricken household. As a child, I found solace mostly in nature and laughter. All in all, I was a pretty normal kid. Loved hanging out with friends, building tree forts, riding bicycles and eventually discovering girls.
During adolescence I became depressed as a result of my abusive environment and the sobering fact that I was powerless to change it. Between the ages of 15-18 I was severly depressed and suffered from malnourishment. I managed to pull myself out of the Depression around 18.5 yrs. old and life became sweet for a little while. I was physically healthy and socially active.
Around 19.5, just as I was getting ready to move away with friends and continue pursuing a college degree, I was hit with an extremely traumatizing experience. So traumatizing in fact that I immediately repressed it into my sub-concious. At the time, I couldn't wrap my mind around the reality I was forced to face. I've chosen not to go into detail of my experience because I feel it would only distract from the overall purpose of this post.
I perservered. I tried living life like any other young man but something felt 'off'; like I couldn't let go. It's important to keep in mind that I literally had no memory of the traumatic experience that I had been faced with. Sleep became problematic. Anxiety and Depression soon followed. My grades began to suffer. I reached out to friends and other family members to no avail. I couldn't explain to others why I was suffering because I didn't understand why myself.
At age 20 I moved out and transferred to another college in hopes that the change would prove to be healthy for me. I was wrong. The anxiety continued to rise. I began suffering from severe insomnia. I lost a significant amount of weight. My vision became blurry. I was in a 'fog' every waking moment. Intense heart palpitations were an everyday thing for me. I often forget where I was or how I'd gotten there. I could hardly catch my breath. I literally felt my physical body decomposing. Everyone thought I was much older than I was. It was devestating. I was disgusted with myself and felt powerless to change. My sympathetic nervous system was always on. Even sitting down watching TV I was in fight-or-flight mode. I sought medical help but wasn't taken seriously. I was prescribed an anti-anxiety medication that hardly made a difference.I quit taking it shortly thereafter. I failed out of school and moved back home.
I kept trying to push through...that only made it worse. I became numb. I lost all sense of emotion. My physical body was shutting down. I finally hit rock bottom and was bedridden. I had fought with everything I had and ended up accepting that I was going to die. I had no real fear of death at that point; for fear took up too much energy. My only fear was for my soul. And let me tell you, that is absolutely the greatest fear of all. I had let go of everything that I considered to be reality at that point and my only concern was for my soul. Would it simply dissipate into thin air? Would it remain in purgatory for eternity? Will the fact that I had seemingly lost the battle in the physical, emotional and mental realm mean that I would lose the battle spiritually as well? I was in a rough place.
The doctor came over and was really concerned. He prescribed drugs for anti-anxiety and anti-depressants. I was adamantly against taking them, but finally succumbed. Within a few days I was walking short distances. I steadily regained my life (or at least what I thought was my life). Within a few months I had a girlfriend and life was progressing smoothly. I awoke refreshed and eager to live life. I felt great, but something still lingered inside me. Something I couldn't quite put my finger on. Something about my new life didn't feel 'real'. I didn't feel present.
Fast forward 10 years. I had become a slave to the prescription drugs. I had tried many times unsuccessfully to get off of them. My life was a mess. I was financially broke. I had no meaningful relationships and once again I was struggling with depression, anxiety and insomnia. I made the decision to 'kick the habit'. I could write a short novel on my detox experience but that is for another time/place. Suffice to say, I was hospitalized for seizures and once again barely made it through. But I made it through.
I worked with an acupuncturist who immediately believed that I was suffering from adrenal fatigue following the intense detox process. She gave me a number of supplements, mostly homeopathic, which seemed to help. I watched my diet closely and made sure to get as much rest as possible. I slowly regained my strength and was able to work again within about 3-4 months.
By 31, I was doing fairly well. I had regained most of my strength and vitality. Having a relatively clear mind now, I had made some wise business choices and was doing well financially. Something still lingered inside me. Something I couldn't put my finger on. I had travelled extensively the past 7-8 years and decided on one last adventure before I 'settled down'. I had always wanted to go to Australia and scuba dive on the Great Barrier Reef and surf a few of her famous breaks. I think a big part of it was the fact that I was ready to put the past behind me and this trip was to be a symbol of my letting go. Boy was I wrong.
I was stoked the moment I stepped on that plane headed halfway around the world. I conjured up visions of catching wave after wave, with a barrell or two thrown in and once again becoming one with nature, as I had done as a kid and when ever I was on or in the water (I'm an aquarius BTW) I was getting a strong response from women; the strongest I had ever noticed. I think they could sense where I was energetically. It was actually quite overwhelming in a positive way. I was in the process of grabbing life by the horns and couldn't wait to step off the plane and begin my adventure. I felt as if I had risen above my relatively dark and painful past and was beginning life anew.
I landed in Cairns and went through customs. Completely jet-lagged but ready for the adventure. I literally took one step out of the airport and it was as if I had crossed this invisible threshold. I felt the warm, tropical sun on my face and let out a sigh. All of the sudden my heart began pounding. My mind was in complete chaos. I felt as if I had been hit by a freight train. The life force was instantaneously sucked from me. My sympathetic nervous system took over and I was now in full flight-or-fight mode. "You have got to be f*&%ing kidding me", I said to myself. "The universe can't be this cruel". Overpowering emotions flooded throughout me. I wanted to crawl under a rock and stay there until the chaos subsided. Unfortunately, this wasn't an option for me.
I did what came instinctually to me...I tried to power through it. But this force was too strong. I knew, based on my past experiences, that I would end up bedridden or psychotic if I tried to neglect what my body, mind and soul were trying to tell me. I decided then and there to 'deal with it' so to speak. I spent about three weeks in Australia trying to regain strength and arranging for a flight home; barely able to catch my breath between the heart palpitations.
I made it back home and allowed myself to fall apart. And fall apart I did. Once again I went through all the stages of adrenal fatigue. The sympathetic dominant stage lasted for about 18 months for me. The high cortisol simply ate me alive. Massive amounts of collagen lost. I was destitute. I felt like an 80 year old man and looked much older than my curent age. My bone structure changed. I'm almost convinced I have changed at the molecular level. To those who are familiar with the term Kundalini; this probably best describes my experience. I went into a parasympathetic dominant stage as my adrenals and basically every other aspect of my body became depleted. I spent about three months in this stage and am now slowly regaining strength. I take the usual supplements and eat an adrenal fatigue friendly diet. I haven't worked in over a year. My body seems to be repairing itself; albeit slowly. I feel myself slowly regaining homeostasis.
I believe the single most important thing that has helped me is acceptance that I was in this position in life for a reason. Next would be cognitive behavioral therapy. When my heart was pounding and my mind was a blur; I made a concious effort to analyze every thought and every emotion that arose in me. The deeper I went into my psyche, the lesser the hold my mind and emotions had on my body. I'm not all the way through it yet, but I have a much deeper inner peace and inner strength that fuels me.
I now understand why I had to go through that final experience. I hadn't come to terms with the root cause of my suffering. Taking anti-depressants and other mind-altering substances only masks the underlying issues. They are a temporary reprieve. I paid a huge price by using them. I essentially had to re-live 14 years of repressed emotions and negative experiences that I had successfully shoved in the back of my mind in order to get back to the source of my suffering; that traumatic event that I went through at age 19. I have since re-lived that event in my mind, and my body reacted accordingly to each emotion that surfaced. It is incredibly liberating to finally be in control of my mind and emotions after 14 years of feeling lost.
In my opinion, adrenal fatigue and all that it entails is our bodies attempt to let us know that we have strayed too far from the source; from the point of homeostasis. It is simply a survival mechanism forcing us to re-evaluate our lives and take the appropriate steps in order to achieve homeostasis once again. Please, please don't underestimate the power of the mind and the role it plays in our fight with adrenal fatigue. Our minds have the power to heal but they also have the power to destroy. It is up to the individual to choose which path they allow there mind to take. I wish you all a speedy and full recovery.

riseaboveit

A little ear candy for you all that somehow seems fitting:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RCD14IrOcIs