You're MORE than welcome for "letting you get that out"...it obviously needed to come out :)
Time is short here and I owe two people long responses; by the time I'm able to respond, it's likely 'things will have changed'. So here's what I'm thinking:
First, ask yourself...
...why do I continue to hold onto these people & issues (and continually & repeatedly immerse myself in this pain)?
Make two lists:
What good does it do me?
What harm does it do me?
I'm serious - make those two lists on paper and post them on the forum. If you have the time & energy to post the last few posts you've made, you have the time & energy to do this. And you also have the time and energy to compile & post the lists I told you I felt you needed to complete & post MONTHS ago (which you agreed to do), which you didn't. That is: 1) what must I do everyday, no matter what happens or how badly I feel (and what can I add to that list on the days I feel better) and 2) what must I stop doing every day (that I do every day that harms me physically or emotionally).
I told you if you didn't make those lists, that I would "tell on you" on the forum, so now I am. Not because I want to make you look bad, but because I care so d*mn much about you...and I want you to understand that you cannot build a healthy body/foundation from the top down -- you must start with the basics. And in your case, from everything you've posted and shared, you MUST consistently do and not do certain things every day (did I mention? *very* consistently!). And not only are you not being consistent, as far as I know you haven't even yet identified what the main things are you need to consistently do! (I'm not mad or screaming at you! :o) But I am explaining that if you ask for help from people, you either need to take their suggestions, or be respectful enough to take a quick few minutes to explain to them why you're not going to take their suggestions...that is of course, if you want any more help & suggestions. Right? right.
I think THE most important thing you need to do is separate yourself physically and emotionally from all these poisonous people, places & emotions...and focus on only YOU - and you taking responsibility for you. And perhaps you need to ponder and see if any of these things apply to you:
--If you are hurt that people (those that are 'supposed' to be there for you) have hurt you emotionally, used you, and/or 'let you down', then dwelling on it only makes you more hurt and more sick. Nobody is going to come along and see how hurt, wounded or pitiful you are, feel sorry for you, and *poof* you away to a magical healing resort...although somebody just might end up *poofing you away* to a psych ward.
--If you are angry that people that are supposed to love you and/or were paid to heal you have not done their job, or continually reject or don't love you the way you think you 'need' them to, remember as you're wallowing in the injustice & anger of it and 'flipping them off' mentally, that you might want to make sure you're not sticking those fingers up your own ass.
--If you have fear about not having various people to support you; if you have fear about taking responsibility for yourself; if you have fear that if you try & fail, that will prove your hugest fear to be true and then you'll have no hope at all. Then you also have the truth about fear- and that is that no battle has ever been won by the warriors starting out in fear.
--No matter how much you've been hurt & abused in the past and no matter what level of anger or love or desire you have for any of the people that did it, it doesn't matter! Rolling in the schit never gets us clean...and it doesn't change people (in the future or in the past) -- although it pretty much ensures no one will want to be around you.
Sympathy? We all know Schulzes truth about that! Empathy, there are many people on the forum that hurt with you and care for you deeply. I can pile on praise for all the effort you've put forth in the past; for all the Liver Flushing
and CE's you've done; for living with the pain; for dealing with your family, etc. But what you've accomplished (or not accomplished) in the past is in the past. What's important now is to identify the errors and get on with the healing...and it seems quite clear that something major is holding you back from taking responsibility for your own life & health.
The bottom line...? to build the foundation YOU need so YOU can heal...? You have to realize & accept these things:
--the only person on this planet that you can trust is yourself.
--the only person that can provide you with emotional stability and unconditional love is you.
--the only person that is responsible and that is going to get you out of your situation is you.
Teresa, I believe that you cannot heal yourself while living in a toxic house with toxic people, and depending upon them. I believe your first step is to make a workable plan to stop being dependent on people and places that are poisonous to you. And because you've expressed you don't have the clarity of mind to create that plan, you need to start where you can...and that's to make a list of several healthy things you can & must do every day (no matter how poorly you feel, or how depressed you are), with a sublist of what else you will do daily on the days you can. And there needs to be a list of things you will NOT do, no matter how badly you feel.
Once you've got that list created (and posted), then you need to stick to it daily...and report to us how it's going EVERY DAY. Once you learn to create a list and 'stick to a list', then you'll have the skills you need to start strengthening yourself and gaining your independence. This can't be a list that I (or anyone else) makes for you; this is something you need to take responsibility for yourself. And if you don't do this, it will seem obvious that you 'need your sickness' more than you 'need to be healthy'.
Next, on October 29 of last year I made this post & recommendations for you: //www.curezone.org/forums/fm.asp?i=1714916
That was almost 3 months ago. If you want my continued assistance, please compile a list of what you've done and not done that I recommended in that post...and why you have or haven't done them.
Just to be clear -- I am telling you that if you want my continued time, support & suggestions, that you need to do the three things above:
1) Make a list of things you must/will do daily (no matter how badly you feel) and a sublist of things you must/will do when having better days. And a list of things you will NOT do. That list doesn't have to be more than 5-6 items in each category, but it can be as many as you are sure you can do (not do).
2) Once you've posted that list, post daily regarding what you've done, haven't done and any information you like to add.
3) Go through the previous recommendations I made, noting what you did and didn't do, and why.
Once that information is clear, and you've made at least 7-10 days worth of updates, then we'll have a foundation that we can work from. If you don't want to do that, then I'm sure there's no way I can be of much benefit (because I have no idea what you're doing and not doing and whether or not you're doing or not doing it with any consistency).
Regarding EFT, so I'm to understand that you haven't regularly been tapping on your issues and all the time I've spent making suggestions in that regard have been wasted. Okay, I can get over that personally, but you having been seriously cheating yourself. Believing that you can't do EFT because of past bad experiences with someone doing EFT on/with you, is like thinking that you can't take Superfood because once you think it made you throw up! You don't understand how EFT works if you feel you can't utilize it effectively because of a past bad experience with it. The very first thing you need to do is tap on that very issue, resolve it, and get on with healing the other issues.
Btw, I don't have to know anyone that's overcome whatever your real diagnosis is, to know that you can heal yourself...and neither do you. Every great healer that ever healed or person that healed themselves from something they didn't know how to heal or had never seen healed...all they needed to know that if the human body/mind can create it, the human body/mind can UNcreate it.
You are a brilliant woman with an even more billiant future ahead of you, IF you choose to make it so. I have likely given you more of my time and love than I have ever given anybody else on this forum, and I will continue to do so...if you want me to and if you're willing to 'do what it takes' to heal yourself. And I'm not talking doing cleanses or taking herbal tinctures; I'm talking about taking baby steps, learning to make realistic goals and meet them consistently (no matter how small) and continuing to make plans to take control and responsibility for your life.
I'm sure we both realize that I am not the "magical healing queen of the world" and you may/not agree with my suggestions or recommendations. I don't want you to EVER think you're not free to be yourself or do what you want to do, or say what you want to say. My job is to "call 'em as I see 'em" and do my best to help you in whatever way I can...and right now my "call" is that I need to clearly see you're capable of some small level of consistency before making any further recommendations or suggestions. This is NOT some kind of punishment - it's me, expressing my love and concern in the most solid & helpful way I know how.