I miscarried a little over a month ago. I had no idea how hard it was going to be. Every day I think about my baby. I think about how it should be here still with me. I think about how far along I would be now and just finding out the baby's sex. I think about how my baby looked when I gave birth to him/her (Yes, I was in actual hard labor and delivered my baby like a natural birth). I think of how I failed to protect him. I try to figure out over and over what happened. I love that baby as much as I love my own children who are alive. I don't expect other people who haven't gone through this to understand. I know many people do not.
It hurts so incredibly deeply and has changed me forever. I think of how my baby is lying in a grave right now and not with me. The mothering instincts to protect my child are so strong yet there is nothing I can do. I feel so hopeless. I feel like I have failed as a mother. Why would God do this to me? What did I do to deserve it? I have no idea but every day it follows me around like a cloud over my head that maybe for some reason this happened to me because God is punishing me.
I've had losses in my family that were hard but nothing prepared me for what it is like to lose your own child. Nothing can compare.
After this happened I realized that many people in this world, despite their current problems, are going around in this happy little bubble which they are unaware of. This bubble is popped and reality of life truly sinks in when you lose your child. I can't explain it enough to someone who hasn't gone through it. Some how even with illness constantly at my door, there was this bubble of optimism and hope. That God would not allow something so horrible to happen, not if I believed and prayed enough. The world looks so different to me. It looks so harsh and cold. So real. I"m obsessing now over my children who are still alive. I need the best car. I need the best car because I need the safest car made, because what if I am driving down the road one day and we get hit and I have to lose one of my children again? I need the best of the best for them. I need my husband to go back to college and get his Masters so we can have more opportunities so his pay is better so I do not neglect my children in any aspect. I feel like I need to put them in this bubble because they are so frail and breakable to me now. I was always a very loving mother before to them, but now, Now i'm the neurotic mother who sees the reality that God doesn't let everything go the way you think it should. So now I need them to have the best diet. You always want your kids to have the best diet before but now everytime we give in to my son to let him have a sweet, I think of how this will affect him down the line and all of a sudden I'm in a panic.
Everyone thinks I'm fine, except the Doctor who saw me not long ago. The doctor some how could see that I wasn't handling it well. How in the world can the doctor who doesn't even know me see it and my own family seems oblivious? The other night I saw a baby on tv, it just hit me that my baby's future is over and I cried so incredibly hard. I was sobbing, and my husband asked me what is wrong with me?
What's wrong with me? What's wrong with me!!!!!!!!!!!
I just lost our child only a short month ago! And you ask me what is wrong with me!!!!!!!! Oh my Gawd! What is wrong with you is what I wanted to ask.
I always use to think that grieving happened a certain way. That it had to be done a certain way or you were not truly grieving. Well, I was so wrong. Since my baby died I grieve every day. But I feel like I'm losing it at times and I try desperately to grab onto something, anything, that is happy or funny that will just for an instant relieve some of this pain. Then I feel so incredibly guilty. I think how could you just laugh with your best friend on the phone and your baby is dead? I then answer myself like a crazy woman, " I don't want to laugh but if I don't I will die under all of this sadness" The sadness is such a depth that can not be understood by anyone except another mother who has lost her child. Then I think death. If I knew for a fact that I would go to heaven then I would just give up. The pain is so intense that I just feel like giving up at times. This adrenal illness is overwhelming and add the loss of a child and you have a recipe for suicide.
But I keep going on for the fact that I have 2 wonderful children who still need me. Who, I feel that no one else on this earth could love even near as deeply as I do so no one but me is qualified enough to raise them.
If there is anyone that has gone through something similar I would really like to hear your story. I do not have a very supportive family right now, it's not that they are indifferent so much as that they just don't understand.