Hello everyone, I found this forum as I was searching for information on the web about mental abuse. I am hoping somebody here may be able to help me.
This is a very difficult situation for me because I've been travelling for the last several years around SE Asia, where of course there was no way to get any professional support, and right now I'm in Ecuador studying Spanish. I am not able to get any professional support here either since I don't speak Spanish, that, and it is unlikely that my spouse will let me do so anyway for the obvious reasons.
I wish I could summarize my story in few words but I'm afraid this is gonna be long since it starts with my childhood. And is a story of many years.
The person that I have been with for about 10 years used to be my stepfather. I dont know how this all started- I couldnt talk about it with anyone, I couldnt tell my friends. He used to study child psychology and really knew how to approach me. My relationship with my mother was really bad and he seemed to be the only friend I had. I later realized that the reason he was my only friend was because he did not let me have any friends besides him, of course when I did realize this it was too late. I'm not gonna go into details of how I got manipulated into a sexua| relationship with him as that would be another story, bottom line is that it happened. At that time we lived in U.S. and I of course couldnt tell anybody that in a fear that he might get arrested and go to jail. My mother later found out about it but she just used this information to threaten him with police in order to make him do what she wants him to do. When he used to be my stepfather I really loved him as a person, however whenever I tried to tell him that I do not want to have sexua| relationship with him it would end up with him telling me how depressed he is and how he wants to kill himself then- I am the only person that keeps him going in this life and such.
My mother got deported from U.S. when I was 16 and I was left to live with him. When I turned 18 both me and him got deported too. Coming back to my country that I hardly knew was another nightmare especially when my mother tried to push me out of my apartment in order to sell it and take all the money for herself. My mother had a gambling problem which cost her to lose thousands of dollars in her life. Five years ago when I finally won the court and got money for the part of the apartment that was mine, she went gambling with the money that she received from her part and lost almost all she had. Not being able to afford a place to live she jumped out of the 7th floor window. I was in Thailand at that time.
Right now the only relative I have left is my father who lives in Moscow. Hoping that he could help me get out of my situation I went to see him after I flied back to Russia several months ago just to find out that he had a last stage of alcoholism. It ended up with him pulling couple of thousands of euros from me, me having my jewelry disappear from his house while he was getting drunk with my spouse until he got behind the wheel while drunk and had his driver license revoked for 3 years. I don't speak to him anymore.
My current situation is- I don't have money, I cannot live in my own country because I sold my real estate there and a big part of the money that I got for it were pretty much wasted by my spouse on parties and drinking and having his wallet and
Cell Phone s stolen while he was at it. The rest of the money went on life and our diving education which I never completed to the level where I could earn enough cash to sustain myself. I never finished high school, I dont really have any real profession, nor am I authorized to work in Ecuador where I live now. I dont have any friends near me or anyone in my life that could help me. I am completely dependent on him right now and pretty much for the past several years.
I started having sexua| relationship with him at 15. Before this happened he read tons of books on psychology and took psychology in college. Considering himself a psychologist, during the first years of the relationship with him I was analyzed by him as: psychopath, narcissistic personality, infantile, and just purely evil. He would always use a lot of big scientific words from his books which I didnt understand to explain to me how he came down to these analysis, and knowing nothing about psychology I could not possibly argue...although I tried. So the relationship was mainly revolved around me being his involuntary patient with loads of psychological problems, him being GOD, both of us taking drugs, and then trying to figure out where to get the money to pay next bills.
Only when I turned 22 I realized what was really going on this whole time and my attitude towards him changed drastically. Since this moment suicidal threats didn't work on me anymore, he changed his tactics. At that moment I was ready to just pack up my things and take off and never look back, only problem was that by the time I realized what is going on I had no money, no education, no job, no proper documents and no place to go. I stopped having sex with him completely, and this was obvious not only to me but to him that I did not plan on having sex with him ever again. His tactics changed from using pity threats and looking very sad and depressed to trying to withhold money from me when possible, calling me all sorts of names, telling me that I am hopeless, worthless, that I will die without him, that no one will love me as much as he does, and that even if I was to find someone chances are it would be someone who'd be beating the crap out of me and make me realize how wonderfully he treated me. These things didn't work on me but what worked was the fact that I hardly had any money in my pocket. When we finally got legalized in one of the countries and got jobs, he'd come home drunk at 3 am and wake me up demanding food or sex or just for the heck of it, if I'd tell him to go to hell in reply he'd tell me to be out of the house in the morning....then I wouldnt be able to fall back asleep, and would be unable to function at work due to not being able to sleep properly, my salary was very low and all the money that we'd made would just go.
I am positive that he was quite aware of that fact that I was simply looking for an opportunity to get away from him. And what drove him absolutely mad was the fact that he couldnt have sex with me anymore. I was hoping that he would get tired of this and decide to leave me on his own, as for me leaving him was pretty much impossible, if not because of money then because he'd simply come after me. When things got really bad between me and him I tried to get help from my friends that I met where I lived at the time who ran a Russian restaurant, they really liked me (and hated him) and they were interested in giving me a job. Unfortunately he found out that I communicated with them behind his back and threatened them with all sorts of things if they ever communicate with me again. At this point I didnt have a job and was constantly reminded that I am his slave and am to do what he tells me to do without a question (...for the sake our survival).
I am sorry this is so long. But this is what my life has been like all this time. And I cant figure out a way out of it because he always out-does me. He's 13 years older than me, highly educated, has huge family that he can talk into giving him money at any time. I'm almost 27, he's 40. I swear I am shocked everytime I think about the fact that I was trying hard to get out of this situation for so many years now and I just cant do it. I am sure there are a lot of psychological factors to this as well- I don't feel mentally stable anymore, I don't feel independant, I don't have any confidence left in myself.
But it has been 5 years that I havent had any sexua| relationship with him and he still wont leave me alone.
Lately things have been getting really hard. Because being where we are he has no problem getting his hands on cocaine which appears to be everywhere here. He can go on without sleeping for 3 days and doesnt do much else but watch porn. When he's high, he's the nicest person you can imagine, when he's coming down it is the other end. Fights arise over small things like that I didnt clean the table after he smeared coke all over it, that I slept half hour more than I was allowed to, that I didnt give him food on time, that I dont know where he put his sucks, or his shorts, or some other belongings that is purely his own and so on and on. In addition to that everything I say or write to friends is being monitored and he goes with me everywhere I go. The only time I can get online and communicate privately is when he crashes after coke binge and is asleep for hours like today or goes off to a pub. I dont know how long I can take it anymore, I think I am starting to sink into
Depression little by little, I cant keep up with my school work either, I am tired most of the time, I just want to go to bed and sleep forever.
I know there's probably not much anyone can say to me, but I would appreciate any form of support nonetheless. I dont have anyone to talk to.
Julia