no way , you're not back to day one. unless that is important and meaningful to you . i mean that seriously , not teasingly. Sometimes it's helpful? to start over and really do a thing to your satisfaction?? I dunno really at all. I think... fasting is a lot about starving out & killing bad bacteria/excessive bacteria that CAUSE cravings for food, and the compulsion to eat/overeat. You stop eating , you deprive the microbes of their food supply, and they die off. I think such a small amount of food could not have re-created the bacterial/fungal problem that your many days of fasting have probably strongly addressed...
thanks so much for the reply. But please, don't be dismissive... I am "panicking about food" BECAUSE I actually HAD BETTER PANIC if I ever wanna get well and have children... i am just about outta time. it is really serious life stuff and I am a sensitive person that cannot actually tolerate junk food and it is a really serious matter my endeavoring to bring myself to a willingness to be sober from it like an alcoholic is sober from alcohol... so I just gotta say I gotta have respect and TOLERANCE for who I really am.. different from you... different from others... I guess... I've never gotten affirmation about this from the professional community but I just know that when I eat-when-eating-is-not-okay-with-me or (can't have 1 without the other) eat foods that are "triggering --" make me wanna eat the WHOLE THING -- I get really horrid consequences and MY CURRENT LIFE CONDITION -- i.e. totally debilitated by
Depression and haveing NONE of the normal achievements or relationships expected of a person of my age and education -- my current life condition SCREAMS that it is NOT a case of my "panicking" over NOTHING.... it's been going on since the age of 4: from childhood on I was brought to doctors over "mysterious digestive ailments" -- doctors who of course told me it was all in my head, my excruciating suffering. It is really hard to bear up under this kind of invalidation so I ask that you please respect the assertions that I make about myself -- thanks. ALSO PLEASE PLEASE if you would AS A FAVOR TO ME .... *NOT* respond back that you "didn't mean" this or that .... just because... I feel so invalidated when people do THAT. It hurts. It seems unfair and unreasonable of me to feel this way. But I can only tell you that this is how I really feel. well I have made myself vulnerable to an "I didn't mean" type of response so I had best not even send this note cuz i am gonna get slammed. but i dunno what to do at this point.
... so fasting my goals are not exactly weight goals except to the extent that I wanna maintain weight loss I achieved 14 years ago and have maintained but with white knuckles... I want to get cleared up by fasting so that I am not plagued constantly with the CRAVING to eat and overeat and binge. It is a nightmare. It's all bacterially caused. So my fasting goals are goals of bodily cleansing /killing off these f*cking bacteria/yeasts.
I need this achievement of diet cleanup so as to get more INTO the ability to fast, if you will... it is harder to fast off of a junk food diet. I need the diet cleanup to be quite strict , just because my physical needs are quite extreme. I extremely need to fast, actually, and it is especially hard for me and on me that I don't have the freedom-from-food-addiction to do it.
Yeah there is maybe SOMETHING to be said about lightening up about food BUT I TRULY am out of ALL control with it oncce the addiction gets bad enough and addictions always progress and I DO NOT want to get back into the HORROR i endured in my twenties of being UNABLE TO DO ANYTHING BUT EAT JUNK FOOD DAY AND NIGHT
I think it is scary for people to realize how serious I hae to be about food sobriety and fasting but... there you have it.
Well. Today I did ok not good enough... OK. After the eating session that was supposed to be the Final Session of Farewell to Triggering Food Because I was Finally Able (& truly I am!) to Commit to TOTALLY Non-triggering Diet (sprouts only) -- after that I fasted 29 hours . I did wait sincerely til my body was able to tolerate food. I ate 350 cals. worth of sprouts. But after that I could not eat for 36 hours. And even at the end of 36 hours, which occurred just this past hour, and att which time I ate again, -- even at the end of these 36 hours, my body was NOT really ready to tolerate food. THIS IS REALLY IMPORTANT TO ME TO ADMIT, TALK ABOUT AND PAY ATTENTION TO. it is ONLY by pushing away the food at times like that, that I am going to get healthy. Ever. It is the MOST IMPORTANT THING I CAN DO IN LIFE, to WAIT TO EAT until my body can REALLY tolerate food and I really feel hungry. The BIGGEST cause of my misery and suffering is simply forcing down the food at times when I can't handle it. ... the problem that occurred today was: I just didn't have the strength/emotional skills necessary to GET THROUGH THE TIME. & my life-condition is such that I don't have real connections with people or a job etc., so it is SO IMPOSSIBLE/ no, just so HARD -- to push away the food when I just feel the need to be held. No Meaningful Work to hold me -- no relationships -- so I eat. It's understandable but has to stop.
That said -- I will congratulate myself for having pushed away the food ALL LAST NIGHT and even SLEPT!!!! ... AND having waited really ALMOST enought time today to eat. .. I constructively found something to "hold" me during part of the afternoon: I went shoe shopping. Didn't buy. What I want: leather-bottom flipflop-type/thong-type classical Indian-style sandals, dark-colored leater, no or not much adornment. anyway the offering of shoes in malibu seemed kind of devoid of give-a-damn on the part of the little boutique owners, oh well! Saved me some money today!
But then 4 pm came and I was just desperate -- why I don't know and for what I don't know -- just a lack of structure as I conjecture -- and I ate: nothing horrible but: 2 large cucumbers (this did constitute stuffing myself and they were triggering and were NOT sprouts so that was the 2nd
The main thing being that I just could not manage to push away the food for long enough.
So I have lost my day count. ... So I restart it as of ... now? ... I have said to myself that SINCE I "missed" the One Crucial Food To Say Goodbye To in this just-past "farewell to food " session -- SINCE there was this omission, and since this food won't leave me alone , I have said to myself that I will have a FINAL FINAL FINAL farewell to food session after 30 days of perfect True Food Sobriety, no lying to myself and no cheating. But the trouble is that I can't get enthused about going totally for life on the sprouts only diet after such a Final Session. What is going to convince me to get truly food sober for life??? ... I was in very recent days actually getting a LOT of self-esteem from being TRULY SOBER according to what I KNEW and have always known in my heart to be TRULY FOOD-SOBER. But this enthusiasm is gone at least temporarily and I am tired.... from the effort of keeping Truly Food-Sober ... not that I regret 1 second of that effort and not that I could not JUST LEARN TO DO IT AND KEEP TRULY FOOD SOBER ALL THE TIME. I think we can get accustomed to anything. .. I only have this dreading suspicion that my getting back on that wagon will "require" my more or less violently indulging at first though i will only indulge in RAW triggering foods. i don't mean anything like binges, I just mean, days of eating sweet fruit daily, probably not even too much, but of having to resort to enemas, as I do when overeating even a little.
i do admit I am sitting here thinking maybe these NON-raw, triggering , real junk foods could be a part of my life. But I ... is this realistic?????????????????? .. People have been screaming at me to "trust myself with food" but I HONESTLY DO NOT THINK THEY KNOW WHAT THEY ARE TALKING ABOUT. .... IF ONLY IF ONLY IF ONLY I KNEW ABOUT WHAT I COULD REALLY HANDLE. Maybe I have to go and meditate for 10 hours a day for a while to get an answer. .... And well wouldn't i rather have a pure diet. especially if my extremely poor health demands I FAST. I hate it -- having no motivation to take care of myself. I wish I ... could get support in AA to be truly food sober and committed
So I have to start over my day count of "true food sobriety" again. So, fine. ... it is hard though & I don't know if I will have the willpower to stay off RAW triggering foods like sweet fruit. I feel worn out just by the past 3 days of being perfectly food sober -- though I know I need to achieve a lifetime of such sobriety. Well -- off to my AA meeting now. If only I could really get strong support to push away the food to the extent I need to.