A text I lent out years ago and havent seen since was by an English psychiatrist/psychologist,titled, Healing the Familiy Tree. This author, who w no understanding or belief but as a last resort tried an Anglican Euchrist for the passed on, for a patient who was extremely troubled, in ways identical to situations found in the family for generations. The procedures were attempts at healing these generationaly continued faulty behaviors by assisting the passed on, and the effect was positive for the living also.
The success of this first attempt led him to continue with this uncommon practice, and he wrote about many cases, some where the troubled werent evan aware of the ceremony being done on their behalf. Often times he had services done for the passed on of abortive situations, where the mothers were extremely troubled and his experiences and success' w this therapy changed his outlook completely. I figure youve studied a bit about this and I mention it as source material for the interested.
Since we all have delima in our lives untill we learn to accept completly our present social/physical/spiritual circumstance, no matter our level of evolvment, our work centers around what it is we are ready and comfortable in dealing with at present. To the degree we try to ignore or deny, our life and the work becomes more chaotic, and to the degree we surrender to the process, the learning unfolds, tho not always hurt free, it becomes simpler and more natural.
Since we generally incarnate continually with the society and people who we have found ourselves to be around. Family, friends, enemies ect. These are some of the greatest gifts we have in reawakening to peace and freedom, because they provoke and accuate our awarness to its need.
Eventually we find that as we face up and start truly learning to assist ourselves in becoming honest, we find
the hard choices revealed as actually necessary and rewarding, such that we can never actually lose a friend, or loved one, we can only realize that tho some relationships we have had mightve seemed fruitfull for our security ect at one time, we now with different insight deem them to be somehow not of a positive nature. Thus we struggle with a different dynamic, rather than the action of fullfilling ourselves, we attempt the work of learning how it is we actually really help ourselves and thus others also.
So we can work personnely with ourselves only to the degree we are willing to face and feel the pain of how far it is we are out of touch with reality. Interpersonelly it is reletivly the same. If our friends and families are going in different directions than we would have, it is oftentimes more confusion creating to try and force the issues we would have them face. Similarly we must be cognizant of our own limitations and not try to mentally put ourselves in positions that are only mental fabrications and thus only minimally real, and this is where most of us find the greatest difficulty in the process. Owning up and acting more serious than we have been previously.
As you share, many of us have found ourselves in positions of being seemingly or actually ostricized, abusivly critizised, or scapegoated, and this is for us to deal with personelly, but usually not interpersonnely, since as you mention the parties involved often deny participation.
The question is often, who am I helping by pretending such a situation is normal or healthy for anyone. By aquiessing are we really going with the appropriate flow of things or are we only muting our needs and actually assisiting the feeding of neurosis in those who would pigion hole us suchly for their own circumstances of denial.
Its easy to say that the answer is to love everyone or that we really love them, but the falsness, the difficulty of maintaining this position is usually seen as soon as we feel hurt or offended.
Teachers remind us that love is not as controllable as we would have, but we can control hate and that is where we start to learn to really love, as we learn to refrain from returning abusive behavior with the like or with silent resentment, and not be persuaded by immature feelings of loneliness, such that we modify our learning experience to associate and avoid being alone at the expense of our own integrity.
Sometimes we do need to remove ourselves from situations so we wont be tempted to fall into negative mind states and it also, in instances where we are dealing with people, gives those people the space to reevaluate what relationships really are and how they should and can be, if it is their bent and or time, to know such things.
By giving others and ourselves complete and comfortable space and allowing them and ourselves to drink in the outcomes of each others decisions, we can each access indvidually a different, more mature type of personel happiness.
And if we arent happy with things as they are, how can we truely think we are loving our very self and thus anyone else.
Our responsibility in affecting others futures is, however, rather than based on our responsibility, it is based on how deeply our awareness of our own level of care is. If we are self concerned our care usually will be oriented that way, and we and they will continue to suffer because we dont understand the pain that we all must go thru to awaken out of the sleep of faulty thinking and hurtfull neurotic behavior. As we face our own immaturities we are more able to be available to those, mabey the same enemies, friends and or family members, but also new people, whoever and however they may appear in our lives. Our human connections in life are like a vast system of interconnected circuits, no one is ever really solo.
There is a great difference between matrydom and healthy self sacrifice. We learn it personnely by being honest with and about our weakness' and strengths. By knowing which battles we are and are not ready for. As we allow the process to unfold we will have to make, perhaps internally at first, what seem to be hard choices, but as we continue on the path of choosing healthy happy living we will find that the choices, tho becoming continually more dynamic, will also fit in more with the ever expansive model we are learning by succesfully dealing with ourselves.
Consequences, yes, all action is full of consequences tho rarely are they what we make them out to be. Your predicament as minimal in context as I can see it, is how much pain will we put up with untill we admit and act on our readiness to be free of suffering and truley embrace life and all it's potentials. The caveat being that the most fullfilling rewards of life are often at odds with how we originally considered things to be. If certain people want to continue playing along healthily with us, great, if not, lets take a break for a while, so as not to frustrate ourselves and confuse the situation further. The concepts that people use to stay in abusive situations are rarely healthy and most often only perpetuate abuse.
Sounds to me that since your asking these type of questions the answers are already germinating in you and the next part is in the work of self growth winnowing, and gathering together the fruit of true independance, that allows us, whether the others know it or not, to be truely in healthy relationship with the difficult ones as with the easier ones.
On the heart wrenching pain, the actual difficulty in breathing that comes over us at times of emotional arousal.
This can be considered as the fact that our energy is being congested as it flows thru the circuit which fuels our bodies. Oftentimes it is related to basic fear and or repressed events/memories.But it is very normal and mechanical and evan a sign of purification activating but can also come about with the discovering of romantic love or exposure to unconditional spiritual love.
We can deal with these discomforts symptomatically. We can seek out our memories internally thru meditation or some therapy, but we will find them surfacing of their own accord eventually, so we really dont need to get specific, tho some find great solace in doing so.
The key is to know that no fear, no memory, is really as bad as the repression and its affects, and as we loosen up, as we face simpler pains in our daily routines and we physically adjust our life to better living, the energy circuit will run freeer and the signs of congestion will lessen and become more subtle.
One teacher reminded us "to let the heart break so that we can become feeling beings", which we as people are often times unable to acccess easily because of such emotional traumas in our past. In so doing tho, we are sobered to our real connection to all life (especially those w whom we have had tension) and we realize a field of experience which is more expansive than the thinking field in which we have been trained and aclimatized too, which has great value but learning its limitations is part and parcell with understanding why we suffer in the first place .