Hmmm......... I don't understand exactly what you mean. I steer clear of nasty individuals. Could you possibly be misinterpreting nastiness for assertiveness? Without knowing you, it's hard to reply. Could your responses from people be due to low self-esteem? How you see yourself? Could it be that you are too much of a people pleaser, getting hurt too easily?
I would say, that step one would be to respect yourself. Part of this means not really caring about what someone thinks of you. Judgments should not bother us or interfere with our lives. Maybe an option is for you to be the one to choose your friends. There are nice, positive, and outgoing people out there. For some reason you don't seem to be attracting them. Once you love, and accept yourself for who and what you are, and give yourself the proper respect, you will attract people of like mind.
My best to you,
You're dealing with something that I've had to deal with in my life for a long time and that is the programming from parents/church to "be nice." It took me ages to learn that nobody's nice. We are spirit dwelling in an animal and what we are learning to do is to listen to our animal body and respond to it as spirit.
What would happen to me is that by trying to be nice and please others I was not pleasing myself and I was also burying my emotions (which leads to depression). My emotions would generally erupt all at once on one minor thing in the form of anger and rage. Then I'd get over it, bury the junk again, until the next eruption. In the meantime, I wouldn't feel any emotions. What I've learned to do is to allow my anger but to not throw it out at others while doing so. Being angry within your own reality is a tremendous healing. It's one way to allow yourself to be human while maintaining your sanity. By experiencing your anger you can then experience love, joy, hate, and all the rest of the emotions that all of us have. Hate is generally buried by fear, but we have to experience that too - and then let it go instead of operating off of it.
Yes, it is a continuing process to learn to experience and control all of my emotions. In the end you have to be comfortable with and please yourself and if you lose friends in the process, so be it, they weren't really friends to begin with. I've lost friends due to my life changes but I've gained some valuable friends too who are there for me when I need them.
Many times taking the path to respecting and honoring one's self can be a difficult road but in the end - you feel much better about yourself and the world around you.
Bless your heart. You are too sweet.
The good news is that you realize the source of your reactions and feelings and it looks like you have it handled. The thing is that it does take practice. Sometimes it is hard not to react the way we do and to harness our feelings, as we are dealing with past hurts that have not been resolved. And when the source involves our parents, which is very often, it is difficult because it very often was the first impression that we had as a child, and a child has no defenses. All they can do is be on the receiving end, resulting in sadness, pain, and sometimes trauma. And this contributes to the molding of our personality in a great way. Yet, it can be overcome and healing is possible. It just takes time. Wounds of the soul are the most difficult to overcome.
As for nasty people. People's actions and words cannot affect you if you don't let them. Besides, those bitchy people are very unhappy or they would act differently. Thirdly, a bad attitude boomerangs back on the person emanating it, the source. So don't let it get to you. Surround yourself with as many positive people as possible and let the bitchy be bitchy. It's their choice, so let 'em have it.
As for relatives and situations that you can't escape. Aaaaargh. This is more difficult. I hope you are not stuck in these situations often. However, if the situation is severe, sometimes we have to sever those bonds also. Your emotional health is what is important. Maybe counseling would help you. But if they suggest antidepressants or benzos, find another counselor. Even with the relatives though, the same rule applies. Let them have their anger, resentment, or whatever.
All in all, you are on the right path. I know, sometimes it can seem like too much and one can get discouraged. But keep going looking at the positive. You will find that you are undergoing growth and will attain new found strength of character. But it takes time.
My Best to you,
Please don't become a nasty, complaining bitch unless you want to be a lawyer or an insurance adjuster.
Oh Charkee, you made my day!! I didn't take what yo say the wrong way. You are correct on all points (except I am not diabetic.) You and #107689 have provided some insight into this whole thing for me.
I know how it feels when people treat you badly and I would not want to do that to anyone on purpose just for the sake of being a bitch. I have the feeling that some people derive a sick pleasure from belittling others which falsly elevates their position. Or maybe they had a bad day and are taking it out on the first person they could at that time. But that is a lame excuse because I know many people who never do that no matter how crappy a day they have had.
I am trying every day to feel better about myself and do things to please myself first. Saying no to people if I have to and not having as many friends as I would want because of that.
You're confusing "tolerance" with "liking" someone who's unpleasant.
You're confusing "respect" with "fear," as well.
Most people equate kindness with being flawed, and it's a pervasive misconception. I recently had an experience with a very, very bad person (sociopath) who accused me of "...being too nice..." and not telling people about their own flaws. What he mistook for a weakness is something for which I am very proud of. I don't intentionally inflict harm upon others because I firmly believe that there's enough misery in this world without going to greater lengths to make more. However, I also don't allow people to walk all over me, either. I'll call it the way I see it, but I don't have to be hurtful, mean, or intentionally cruel.