I'm having a very difficult time. I have been trying to deal with it on my own, but it's too hard. I have already posted my story here, and there's a lot going on.
I've been in Tucson temporarily with a friend who graciously has allowed me to stay with her for the second time. I have been here 3 months already, and also nursing a sprained ankle along with everything else. I cannot stay any longer, as I am on a visa, and I am leaving Tuesday. So far, I have nowhere to go.
I have e-mailed a couple of friends, and an uncle, all cannot take me in. Unfortunately my mother, who is in every way ill herself, will not have me, which is probably for the best because she is emotionally and physically abusive. I cannot take an apartment as I don't have the money, and taking a room is not ideal because I really need to either be with someone who 'gets it' or live on my own.
I literally cannot do this anymore. I have been bouncing back and forth for years. Pursuing treatments, getting myself into debt, which I am now facing bankruptcy for, and doing things I would have never imagined in order to make money and survive.
I'm 30, I still have a sense of humour, and apparently I still look good. But I am suffering to much. I can't understand why every door keeps shutting in my face. I had my supposed best friend e-mail me twice in the last few days, not only to deny my request to stay with her for a few days, but she went on to say about how she doesn't want to deal with me, or my health/emotional issues, and that I basically need to depend on myself, she's tired of seeing me screw up, etc...
And all I could do was cry. And cry. I have been collapsing into tears all day. I don't want to go back. As ill as I have been, I am safe here. I have a home here with my friend Dianne. If I wasn't forced to go back, I would stay. I don't know what's going to happen to me, and I'm too weak to keep 'getting by'. Getting by means drinking coffee to push through, and not sleeping because I am a wreck, and just praying that I can get to the store and walk even though I am having so much pain etc. It means that everything I eat can and likely will make me worse, and spending days recovering from that.
It means that I have to put myself in situations that could likely make me very sick because there is no one to help me. It means that hours turn into days turn into weeks, turn into years where I make the slimmest of improvements, or get even worse.
I can't do it anymore. I don't want to die.
I am sorry in advance for posting this.