Holiday Season 
#68716
17 y
2,591
† Cross †
I posted something similar at about this time, last year.
I'm compelled to post this because yet another victim of domestic violence was laid to rest last week in our area. He was a retired police officer and intervened when he saw a man beating the absolute crap out of a woman outside of a convenience store. The hero ushered the woman inside the convenience store for her safety, had the clerk call 911 for ambulance and police assistance, and went back outside to record the abuser's license plate. The abuser had gotten back into his car, started the engine, and made the decision to run down the hero. He was pronounced dead at the scene. This man left behind a wife and two teenaged children. The woman who was beaten to a pulp is furious that the retired cop interfered - it's HIS fault that her "man is going to prison."
The Holiday Season brings many additional stresses: financial & social obligations seem to demand that we overspend and overextend ourselves to the point that this time of year becomes a despised and unbearable few weeks. This is also the time of year when reports of domestic violence/abuse are more pronounced and there is an even greater likelihood of domestic violence/abuse.
An abuser will use any excuse to exert his/her control over their victim(s), especially the "Stress of the Season." Here are a few sites that will help to identify what domestic violence/abuse really is.
http://www.ndvh.org/
http://www.revolutionhealth.com/healthy-living/relationships/love-marriage/co...
http://www.mayoclinic.com
http://www.heartlessbitches.com
There is a cycle to abuse: he/she blows up verbally or physically, the victim is battered (verbally, emotionally, physically, sexually, financially, spiritually), the victim is made to feel that he/she caused the episode (by behavior, by defiance, by "disrespect," etc.), and the abuser attempts to "make peace" in some way (shopping sprees, gifts, paying bills, "allowing" the victim to participate in activities, etc.). Domestic violence/abuse never ends, it only progresses and becomes more intense until the victim has been so dehumanized, objectified, degraded, and humiliated that they cannot function in any capacity.
"But, look at what happened to that retired cop! I'm not going to risk MY life for some trailer-trash bimbo!" Let's get this straight, right now - domestic violence/abuse is NOT confined to low-income, uneducated, or naive females. Domestic violence and abuse is perpetrated against men, women, children, extended family members, and non-family individuals. Domestic violence/abuse crosses all boundaries of socio-economic groups, races, gender, sexual orientation, religions, and cultures.
"It's none of my business!" Yes, it IS your business. Children raised in an environment of domestic violence/abuse have a better than 75% chance of becoming wards of the State, felons, and abusers, themeselves. Taxpayers must foot the bill for this epidemic...and, yet, it's nobody's business?
"What can I do? I don't even KNOW these people?" You can call the Police, immediately, if you witness (or, even suspect) that domestic violence/abuse is occuring. You don't have to become personally involved if you make the choice to call for help on the behalf of someone who is being victimized.
"He/she is only going to go right back to their abuser! What's the point?" In many cases, it's true that the victim will go right back to their abusive situation. However, with better recognition of the symptoms, causes, and remedies to domestic violence/abuse, the victim will have some assistance when he/she is ready to acknowledge their situation and the HOPE that there is help available for them (and, their children).
WHAT IS ABUSE?
Abuse is any deliberate action that causes degradation, humiliation, and objectification by one human being against another. This can take the form of physical assault, but other forms of abuse can cause even greater long-term damage than physical assault.
WHAT TYPES OF ABUSE ARE THERE?
Spiritual abuse: ridiculing one's choice of religious expression, witholding one's freedom of religious expression, rewarding the victim with freedom of religious expression, etc.
Sexual abuse: any demand that the victim engage in a sexual activity that intentionally causes humiliation, emotional discomfort; degrading or humiliating verbal references to the victim's sexual habits; open remarks in front of children/family members with regard to the victim's sexual habits; forcing any sexual activity upon the victim through coersion and/or threats - this includes spousal rape; demanding that the victim engage in risky sexual behaviors in order to satisfy their partner which might include engaging in sexual activities with multiple partners
Financial abuse: witholding financial information (account status, investment reports), witholding financial support from the victim (ability to purchase groceries, toiletries, household needs, children's needs, and refusing to meet financial obligations such as mortgage payments or utilities)
Verbal abuse: remarks against the victim that are intended to humiliate, degrade, objectify, embarass, or dehumanize, particularly in the presence of children/family members
Emotional abuse: causing the victim to feel as if he/she is crazy, unfit as a spouse or parent, instilling fear, witholding affection as a form of punishment and rewarding the same when the victim capitulates to the abuser's demands, disallowing the victim to freely express themselves, demanding "respect" through subjegation, etc.
Physical abuse: ranges from well-understood physical assaults of beatings to subtle intances of pinching, slapping, shoving, poking, etc. ANY physical behaviors that cause the victim to feel pain, humiliation, powerlessness, etc.
If you, a family member, or neighbor is involved a situation of domestic violence and/or abuse, DO SOMETHING, paricularly if there are children involved! It will never end, it will never "get better," the perpetrator will only become more and more emboldened with his/her perceived power over the victim, and the victim will dissolve into a non-human entity. There IS no "getting better." There's only "getting dead."
Best wishes to all for a safe and happy Holiday Season.
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- Re: Holiday Season Igraine01
17 y
2,195
This is a reply to # 1,060,388i have been engaged to someone for 4 years since before we graduated h.s. he is very jealous and gets angry when i go to my college classes bc he thinks im talking to other men. i just found out from a friend that he has been talking about our sex life to mutual friends of ours and hes said that he might as well be doing it by himself because im not good in bed. he wont tell me where all of his money goes and he complained because i made him sign a lease agreement. he said that i was just doing it to try to control him and how he spends his money. i think i might be in the middle of an abusive relationship. there is not one thing i can do right even though i work 2 jobs and go to college full time. he has a part time job and doesnt go to classes. my mother never said anything bad about him but my sisters both told me that he was a loser.i think they are right. how do i leave this relationship? so much of my money is tied up in our rent and bills and he tells me that he will die if i ever leave him. i broke up with him 2 years ago and he called me after he had taken a bunch of pills to kill himself. im so afraid that he will kill himself if i leave?
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- Cut your losses #68716
17 y
2,189
This is a reply to # 1,060,533I apologize, in advance, for the length of my response.
Aside from financial obligations and the threat of suicide, what is it that keeps you tied to this person? Is it a sense of duty or responsibility for his well-being that makes you stay, or are you hoping that things will just evolve and everyone will spontaneously heal and be happy? Or, are you stuck in a fantasy world where the "positive attributes" that keep you tied to this person are imagined, embellished, or a fervent hope?
I was married to someone who's abuse began under similar methods as yours - verbal, sexual, and financial abuse did not (in my arrogant mind) equal abuse. I honestly believed that domestic violence/abuse was reserved for the uneducated and poor. My arrogance propelled me into denial which opened the floodgate for the rest of the abuse to flow through. Foolishly, I married that man and produced children with him - thank goodness you haven't gone that far and it's just a matter of stiffening your upper lip and leaving.
"im so afraid that he will kill himself if i leave?" Whether this person succeeds in his threats and/or attempts is not your responsibility! This is one of the most miserable aspects of emotional abuse and I Survived it, as well. Placing the responsibility for the well-being of abuser's life upon the victim's shoulders is a classic example of emotional abuse. Nothing you can do will alter this person's methods of control - he WANTS you to feel guilt and responsibility, and, by remaining with him under those conditions, you are giving him exactly what he wants. His refusal to contribute to the financial partnership is another classic example of abuse. And, I will bet a month's pay that you've experienced sexual abuse and didn't know it - being forced to perform acts that you find distasteful or engage in activity when you don't really want to, etc.
You ask how to leave and I will make several suggestions. It's up to you whether you choose to move on and evolve into a Survivor or remain a victim, now that you understand your situation. First, I suggest that you check out the listed sites and Google the phrase, "domestic violence and abuse." Read as much as you can and try adding your State into the search. Statewide and National toll-free numbers are provided for you to seek help. If he hasn't begun beating on you yet, it's just a matter of time, so I would gently urge you to start the process of leaving, YESTERDAY. Call your parents and tell them, frankly, what's going on - don't make the mistake that I did and assume that they will not understand or that you will be ridiculed for choosing an abuser. Ask them for help - however, you need to have a backup plan in case he makes a decision to track you down. NEXT, I would make sure that I had plenty of cash - DO NOT USE A JOINT CREDIT CARD OR JOINT BANK ACCOUNT!! In fact, clean out your checking account and close it, if you can. If it's a joint account, clean it out and go. So many people think that it's mean to do that, but he's the abuser, you are the victim, and you can never look to him for support again, once you leave.
You mentioned that you're in college, so you're at the end of your semester. Whatever funds that you have paid for next semester either need to be refunded to you, or tranfered to another institution. YES, it's a hassle and YES, it must be done in absolute secrecy. Say NOTHING to him about leaving (even if an argument erupts) and say NOTHING to your "mutual" friends - they may attempt to "help save" the relationship by telling him of your plans. NEXT, I might seek an order of protection, ONLY because this guy has already proven himself unstable and could, quite possibly, attempt another suicide and make it a point to take you with him. This happened not too long ago in our area and it could have been prevented if the victim had told people what was going on, or if people had taken the intiative to involve themselves. Finally, DO NOT LEAVE WHEN HE IS THERE. Make certain that he will be gone long enough for you to pack and leave, unnoticed. Take only those things that are completely necessary: birth certificate, social security information, transcripts, and a suitcase of clothing. Anything else that you leave behind can easily be replaced. You, on the other hand, are one-of-a-kind, unique in all the World, and precious to those who love you.
Leaving an abuser is the most dangerous time for the victim - many abusers have resorted to murder in order to maintain possession of their property. They have murdered the victim, the children, and others who might stand in the way of their ownership. The abuser must never suspect that the victim is preparing to leave. Once the victim has left, he/she must do everything in their power to STAY AWAY and never return to the abuser. There are literally thousands of support groups, social programs, and counseling opportunities available to victims of domestic violence and abuse, as well as programs for their children. If the victim makes the mistake of going back, they have sealed their fate and placed their lives (and, those of their children) into the hands of a human being that gets a rush out of inflicting pain, degradation, humiliation, objectification, and dehumanization upon those that he/she perceives as "weaker organisms."
When you make the choice to leave, you will have to also make the choice to never, EVER buy into this guy's promises, pleadings, or threats. He will break any promise that he makes and the pleadings and threats are only used as a method of control. It's NOT about love - it's all about control. He isn't capable of honest, healthy love. What he sees when he looks at you is a piece of property with about as much importance as an accordian file folder. In his damaged mind, you are a non-human - when your feelings are hurt by something that he's done to you, he doesn't care because he doesn't equate you to be human. You will have to be prepared to never look back, either. This is no time for regrets. I had to leave many things behind and I felt some regret until I realized that heirlooms could always be replaced. You may even have to break ties with mutual friends - they, too, will be manipulated to feel responsible for this guy's emotional health.
So, you have a lot on your plate and it may seem so unfair that this revelation comes at the time of year when we should be experiencing peace, goodwill, etc. Things WILL get better for you, my dear, as long as you are willing to evolve into a Survivor and harden your heart and start using your head. Please, check out this site for more on getting tough and Surviving. In spite of its title, it's a great site for women who need to toughen up:
http://www.heartlessbitches.com
And, again, I apologize for the ridiculous length of my response, but there is quite a bit of information that can't really be briefly be posted.
Best wishes to you in your journey. Post back, if you're able.- Re: Cut your losses want2beclean
17 y
2,460
This is a reply to # 1,061,114It is my dear hope that this poster will reply, and will take you seriously, SS. It is so hard to accept the reality of who we are dealing with. This person "loves" us! It is a hassle to leave!! I don't want to lose my "stuff"!! Those attitudes nearly killed me. The women that have turned up dead as a result of domestic abuse "loved" their husbands, and their husbands "loved" them - to death. Abusers declare loudly and constantly how much they love their partners, even as they are controlling them or choking them to the floor. "I love you, you f-ing b_tch", was a common and favorite phrase of my ex, usually delivered screaming an inch from my face. Too many women cannot wrap their minds around the reality that these men may KILL them. It's too incredible too unbelievable. WE would never kill them!!! How can you kill that which you love. Unfortunately, their very insane passion for you is the very thing that kills you. No, no one wants the inconvenience of walking away from their stuff. No one wants to lose it all, and start over. But you are correct, it really is just "stuff", and we, WE are precious creations, unique and one of a kind. There are sofas everywhere, but only one Mary. I am fortunate to have survived as well, SS, you know some of my story. I have not posted in a really long time anywhere on CZ, but your response moved me. Too many people told me what you are telling this poster, but it just sounded "too hard" for me to do. I paid with my soul for the longest for this reluctance to save myself. I almost didn't make it back. I had carried the picture in my mind that only the really, REALLY abused were the ones that died, or crumbled into a pile of crap. And the picture I had of those women were of ugly, toothless, weak, trailer-trashy kinda women that were beaten by fat, wife-beater wearing guys yelling "get me a beer b_tch" and scratching their balls. Not ME - I was "better than that" and so was he, so he would NEVER be a threat to me, REALLY. Only in the end, I almost lost myself forever. I almost died for that arrogant attitude that I had.
Today is different. I am different. It was a hassle indeed, and I lost much "stuff" in the process. Today, I know it was a hassle and a loss that I would gladly repeat in order to never give my Self away again. It was worth it, as opposed to dragging on and on AND ON in a place that gave me no joy, no hope and no life. And that is bondage, and there is no freedom in that place, and time passes so slowly as you beg and plead and pray and hope that some how it will "change".
The odds of someone who batters changing is slim to none. It is too hard for them, as abusers continually and chronically blame others for their demise, and real change involves self-actualization. This is why I understand how hard it is for victims to get out - they have to step aside from the victim stance and self-actualize, too. But batterers and narcissists, they almost NEVER get to that point. And I can't believe that there is a batterer out there who is NOT a narcissist. It seems to go hand in hand.
SS, I have not posted in so long, but your post moved me. I see you patiently and diligently explaining to all who come along your story and the careful instruction about how to change it. You have courage and fortitude, and you really helped me last year with my situation about my father. I appreciate you. I have reflected on this year, and it has been a big growth year for me. You were a part of it, I had this "cheerleader" over there, with no face, who had been where I was and could encourage me. I am glad to take this trip backward to re-member my Self.
I hope that our poster will take you seriously and leave, or there will be no college. They snuff it out of you, steal anything that is precious to you, and suck out your soul. But only if you let them.
Thanks for listening.
- Re: Cut your losses #68716
17 y
2,055
This is a reply to # 1,061,565God bless you, Want2beclean! You've come so very far in just a short year! Much faster than it took me to even being healing. It's an exercise in humility to recall some of the things that I Survived. It serves to remind me that my arrogance and foolish belief that I was "The One" to help my ex grow was unrealistic, at the very least. It's also a priviledge to know that my experiences have helped you, and I'll explain what I mean.
I read an earlier post where the original poster was stuck in a "What do I do, now?" rut. For years (as is typical for the supply source), I truly believed that I had no purpose or value to anyone, least of all my own family. Then, I began speaking to what I choose to call, "God." I began talking out loud, expressing my fears and concerns about my situation. The constant question that I kept asking was, "Why am I here? What is my purpose?" The answer isn't always clear, and I had to seek a path of safety and light using my own judgement - I began to understand that my own judgement had gotten me into the mess that I found myself and that I had to develop a more discerning approach to choosing friends and partners. Of couse, this doesn't really apply to children of NPD until they are much, much older - once they reach adulthood, it then becomes a choice as to whether or not they will continue to accept the abuse of their NPD. I tried to avoid the "Why me?" syndrome - the answer to that is, "Why not me?" and it only set me up to throw a Pity Party for my Self.
So, to break it all down, I Survived my experiences so that I could greet each day with enthusiasm and hope, regardless of my current condition, emotional state, etc. That, I think, was the lesson: it's about humanity, not me. The Earth still spins on her axis whether I'm in a good or bad space and its humbling because this is a fact: the world is not "All about me." So, if my experiences can help another human being to Survive their situation and help to make positive changes for someone else, it is a priviledge to know that one more person will, at some point, be able to see the miracle of every sunrise and sunset.
Holy cow, I'm going on a poetic rant. Post back, Igraine01. There are many folks just on THIS site, alone, that can help you on your journey to safety and healing.
As always, best wishes to one and all.
- Re: Cut your losses #68716
17 y
2,055
- Re: Cut your losses mamahuhu
17 y
2,114
- Re: Cut your losses mamahuhu
17 y
2,218
This is a reply to # 1,061,574The above post should have read....
AMEN! BRAVO! SS, you are right on and thank you for helping people out of this mess.
- Re: Cut your losses mamahuhu
17 y
2,218
- Re: Cut your losses want2beclean
17 y
2,460
- Cut your losses #68716
17 y
2,189
- Re: Holiday Season Igraine01
17 y
2,195
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