This is a true story of my on-going odyssey, a journey which took me through heaven and hell over the past few months.
Over the period of last two years I was going through an extremely intense process of psycho-spiritual initiation. The whole experience was truly magical and huge, so much so that in fact it was borderline with being overwhelming. I increasingly felt amazing connection with people and the whole world. My intuitive and healing abilities flourished, my memory and analytical skills improved. I was feeling oneness with the world, loving everything and everyone. I was, perhaps for the first time in my life, happy. All was beautiful and well. Everyone’s face was glowing with beauty and wisdom. I was falling in love with every person I met. It seemed everyone was just as deeply falling in love with me too. I was somewhat worried about what I might be unconsciously doing to other people. Maybe that’s what enlightenment is supposed to be like, I thought. How do I go forward with new powers I seem to be developing in a responsible way? Was this ‘normal’? So much was unknown. I trusted I would be shown the way when the time comes.
Things started to drastically shift in around mid-March of this year. At the same time I had a few puzzling experiences of seeing and feeling ghost-like creatures enter me. This happened within a time period of a couple of weeks, in a presence of a man I meet at the holistic expo a year earlier. He suddenly re-emerged and apparently now wanted to hang out with me all the time. Within a month he became increasingly more possessive and manipulative. One time he told me he wanted a friend that would jump out of the window if he asked him to. Our friendship ended abruptly when confronted him with my growing suspicion that his interest in me is more than plutonic. When he started leaning toward me I got out of the car. He followed me. As I was walking away I felt a big energetic entity enter me from behind. It felt disgusting and extremely invasive.
Around that time I started to more frequently experience what felt as telepathy with other people, and soon, I was hearing voices even when I was home alone. I willingly believed that they belonged to spirit guides; my soul, even God/Goddess, as they claimed. They seemed benevolent. I liked their encouragement and helpful tips. I accepted that they were agents of the spiritual tribe, here to guide me. Communication from them was in voices of different characters of various age and gender. Sometimes messages came in as inserted thoughts.
Over time, they became bossier. Voices led me to believe that my spiritual brothers wanted me to follow their instructions. Still considering this a divine intervention, I paid attention and found a way to rationalize what was happening. When voices cheered me on to be a ‘Bull’, I figured I was encouraged to be more assertive and courageous – a good thing, considering I was chronically shy. I played that roll for a while. Voices convinced me to stop talking to my old friends and family. Looking back, I realize voices exploited masterfully my isolation. Voices said they had my book of life. Allegedly, I was groomed for my spiritual awakening and higher purpose, and I was not to waist time on what was unessential at the moment. The idea was that I would later re-enter the world as my more fully realize self.
When they announced that I was ‘God’, I tried to rationalize that this could be right, in a way, because there’s a spark of God in everyone. Voices proceeded to try to convince me that indeed I was ‘The God’. Therefore, they reasoned, I should be ‘an %¤#&!§-’ and rudely take what I want. They continued with their ‘guidance’, trying to promote competitiveness, pride, and cynicism. This was completely contrary to my value system. Fortunately, I had enough insight to hold back. Perhaps my character is been tested, I thought.
Frustrated with my defiance, they started to make fun of me whenever I said ‘thank you’, chanted mantra ‘it’s bull shit, it’s all bull shit’ whenever I was involved in anything loving or spiritual. It got so bad I could not carry on with my work as a healer. Explaining to my patients that I needed some time to work on my personal process, I quit my practice. I hopped that this ordeal would soon come to an end.
In fact, it was getting more bizarre by the day. Voices told me I should have a homosexual relationship; they said everybody was a ‘faggot’ (not my word) and I am too straight. Voices persisted and were trying to get me off-center in numerous other ways, with increasing intensity and vigor.
My priority in dealing with people has always been this: first, do no harm. Since I did not like the way voices wanted me to relate to people and did not want to oppose them either, I withdrew even more. As I saw my professional and personal life crumbled, I started giving less credence to what voices said. No matter whose agents they were, clearly they were not my friends. There was now an unmistakable anger and hatred in their tone.
My idea of spirit guides has always been that they are gentle and loving beings. It became crystally clear to me that the source of these voices was not of the Light. I asked, whatever these things are, to leave me alone. This infuriated voices and they showered me with horrible insults in the nastiest way I’ve ever heard, ever.
Concurrently, it seemed, some people started to avoid, even mock me, though mostly in covert ways. More and more people around me seemed to be channeling bizarre information supposedly about me. It felt as if I was very harshly judged, based on some perverted image of me or directive. Voices explained that everyone was lying to me, that all people are ‘bull-shitters’, and that since I didn’t like these games and also because I was unattractive, nobody wanted me, and that I should now ‘get the fuck out.’
In mid-May they claimed that I’m their shell and forbade all personal initiative. As far as they were concerned, any action, even thought, was a sin, punishable by a deluge of threats and insults. When I so much as hinted that I was suffering, they said: ‘Happy Birthday!’ I guess they thought it was funny.
I was hugely perplexed and enormously disappointed, to say the least. What a turn of events. One day I seemed to have a key to the city, and then crudely kicked out. Before long, devastated, I moved out from the city I moved into with so much enthusiasm just a year and a half earlier.
The voices did not disappear but continued their assault on me 24/7, wherever I went, whatever I did. It feels as if I was raised high into heavens, then dropped abruptly and driven way down to hell, and then been held there. Reasons remained unknown.
I still try to find how this can possibly be seen in a better light. Remembering biblical story of Job, I thought perhaps I was tested before a divine initiation would reach a happy climax. After several months, this torture continues.
I've considered that this might be some kind of an accelerated karmic cleansing, a purgatory. A month of this I would have credited with making me a better, more humane and compassionate person, but it's now way past that. It is making me literally ill. The situation doesn't make sense. I wonder now if some kind of grief mistake was made or if this is a deliberate act of pure evil. Without justification voices blame me for all kinds of random things. Within the same day they accuse me, in an absolute way, of being too nice and a jerk, too strong and too weak, a liar and too virtuous, an architect of all that is happening and a toy for 'ball-shitters' who invented all of this.
Unless there is a good, higher purpose for all of this that is yet to be revealed, as I hope would be the case, voices’ objectives became progressively clear: to torment me with feelings of anger, fear and guilt, drive me to self-destruction, even suicide, or at the least, make me crazy.
-- “We like it like that,” they say.
I realize that a traditional psychiatrist would most probably attribute my experience to a mental illness, case closed. The same diagnosis, by the way, he would give to anybody claiming to have communicated with spirits, angels or ascended masters, this means psychics, mediums and all who’ve had supernatural religious experience. Knowing what I know, I am certain there's more to it than a chemical disbalance or neurosis, which, I believe, if present, most likely are the consequence rather than the original cause. Also, I haven’t touched pot, or any hallucinogens I’ve used in the past as spiritual sacraments and medicine, for months, so I know this isn’t drugs induced either.
For years I've believed in benevolent God. I did not give much thought about evil spirits, though. I thought such creatures are fear-based concepts, fairy-tale characters, something to scare people into devotional practice with. Perhaps I was naďve to think this.
After a considerable research, and having spent several months observing the phenomena first hand, I now believe that I have been attacked by some incarnate entities with questionable moral agenda just as I was about to cross the next phase of my spiritual evolution.
I am sure now that most of what I previously perceived as telepathic messages from people belonged to the spirits. These entities cleverly set me up, perhaps at a hand of a few malevolent or merely careless people.
These entities elaborately manipulated my sensory input and brainwashed me in order to accomplish their goals. They were really good at this. For instance, in each place I’ve visited after leaving town, even a foreign country, voices tried to make it look like there too, people wanted me out. They’ve conditioned me to think that people coughing in my presence means they don’t like me, and produced a lot of coughing sounds for me to digest whenever I was in public. Since I don’t like being where I’m not wanted I’ve done quite a bit of traveling these few months. Voices almost convinced me that my old friends, even family, did not want me anymore, that the whole world wants me out. Eventually, I caught on to their tricks. As I rekindled some of my older relationships I found that I was very much missed and loved.
Sometimes voices tell me that the game is over, or that they’ve done their ‘cleaning’ job, or even that a mistake was made, but then a moment later they tell me that this will never end, and continue their assaults on me. I’ve learned not to believe what they say. They don't fool me any longer when it comes to the sounds coming from people around me. Thank God, I am much more grounded in reality and functional now than I've been in months.
I am in pain though, my loved ones are suffering too, people I could have been healing are not getting treated, but I am not going to kill myself, become an %¤#&!§-nor give up to the darkness in any other way. I am not afraid either. As I regained my sense of solid ground, I am now determined to find resolution.
Before you judge my intelligence for being influenced by these voices, I will remind you of a grand perspective. This happened to me in a time I was going through a great psycho-spiritual awakening; as a healer and meditator, daily, I have been experiencing things that were blowing my mind open and I wanted it, seeing it as a positive, enlightening and liberating development. I felt well supported, and my belief in benevolence of the universe and trust in people was growing stronger. Hence, I willingly let go into the abyss of unknown. There was a lot I did not understand and spirits came in with a promise of guidance. They were masters of seduction. They were all I wanted them to be… until they got a strong hold of me. When the courtship ended they proceeded to rape my mind with fear and delusion. If you never experienced anything like this, ‘The Game’ with Michael Douglas, or the story of Temptation of Saint Anthony, will give you a slight idea of what it could be like. The whole world fell apart.
Voices tell me that it’s all over for me. I don’t believe them. I believe I can prevail. I hope my story will encourage and assist some people going through similar experience, and that it will also invite some helpful feedback, which I welcome.