May I give a little backround about myself? I have an awfully sensitive stomach. When I was younger, I was a very fearful girl that hardly ate. Though I was dreadfully skinny, it was because I listened to myself and ate when I felt I needed to... and only what I craved at the time. I was very in tune with nature, always around animals, and I preferred my own company to bask in the shade of the trees.
In my teenage years, I became fiercely independent. I lost myself, ate more, but I always ran back to nature. Nights at the beach, in the forest watching the stars, but the fear I once knew dissipated. I feared nothing, not illness, not people, only myself.
Now, I'm near my early twenties. When I was 17, I was kicked out of my fathers home [we haven't spoken since], lived on a porch in the backyard, I obtained a full time job and worked overtime, my ex made me leave the apartment, my best friend made me leave hers [she was afraid her fiance had a crush on me] and when I traveled to another state to visit my mother when I became dreadfully ill, she also made me leave. As you can imagine, the stress has built up considerably. I've been ill for nearly a year now with pure stomach upset. Awful pains, whenever I eat it runs right through me. I cannot throw up, it only comes out the other end. As you can imagine, Im afraid to leave the house. A friend's mother took me in because of my illness. I miss people. I've lost 3 jobs due to my incessant diarrhea.
For awhile, I was getting better. I studied curezone nearly 5 hours a day, and I am slowly changing my ways [my diet is next]. When I read about Chemtrails, I grew very sick. I traveled outside and looked at the sky, and noticed for the first time those awful lines. A couple of hours later, the sky grew grey. It smelled heavily of pesticide, and that ominous rainbow ring circled the sun. I will never forget. People complained of feeling ill, and I know I could hardly leave the bathroom that day.
I have since moved, but those thoughts never escape me. I am ABSOLUTELY terrified. I duck at every plane that flies over our house. I stare at every cloud, my eyes constantly turned to the sky. I feel as if I cannot breathe. It seems like there's nowhere to escape, since this is all around the world. I'm too afraid to leave the house, I do not trust the air. It's poison. My friends try to coax me to do something, but any improvement I have made in my health has plummeted. My hair is falling out, I am constantly tired and shaking, I can taste the fear in my throat. My stomach always hurts, and my diarrhea is worse than ever. I literally find it difficult to move, I just want to curl in a corner and cry. This fear has such a grip on me, the toxins are everywhere, and we cannot escape it. I no longer know the term 'fearless'. I'm so scared, I just want to die. I see no point in attempting to get better, we'll stay sick - poison in our air, in our water, on our food..
I want to go out and see people, do things..
I don't know what to do. I want my life back. I don't want to be sick anymore, I DON'T want to fear everything anymore. I want to get better. I tried TAT, but it doesn't work so well. I think it's stress that's keeping me ill. I just don't know how to snap myself out of this fear. When I go to sleep, I think about chemtrails. Every night, I dream of chemtrails. When I wake up, it's my first thought. All through the day, I lay on the couch and try to escape with books or TV. I cannot even visit my beloved beach anymore.. I don't want to look at the sky.. I don't want to come in contact with air..
I've read your entries that Chemtrails cannot affect you if you don't allow it.. but how? And does it really work? I CANNOT TAKE THIS FEAR ANYMORE! These stomach pains..
Sorry, as you can see, I cannot withhold this fear at all. It is out of control. I don't know what to do.. I don't know..