noBODY knows a damned THING by takemeawaygod .....

and why should they?

Date:   10/29/2006 12:55:55 AM ( 15 y ago)

It baffles me the intricate delusional details my brain can manufacture about any situation and how as soon as I've recognized a delusion 'for what it was' I'm often deluded there too.

When I channel Johrei, I am entirely focused on surrendering any and every thought to God as it rises up, that I may keep as clear a channel as possible. So for the 25 minutes or so, I am still just feeling light and power and stillness streaming through me. reaching enlightenment is probably similar yet permanent and all discomfort entirely surrendered.

But at the end of the day, alone with myself, I get a feeling that all the incessant prayer is SO tiring and I just want to let my brain ramble for awhile. And then I end up compulsively eating, obsessing over myself, feeling alienated and traumatized. But I really get exhausted, beatenly spiritually overcharged, shocked with disbelief after hours of turning to God. Perhaps that assesment is just my brain lying again, my primitive self trying not to die. I don't know how fast I can progress, or maybe I just don't have the entire willingess yet. Which seems rather silly, because clinging to my animalistic brain equals addiction to pain/disbelief in God.

If I am rambling, forgive me. I see that this blog gets viewed, even though people rarely comment in here. I know as I'm writing these words, they're being read, and it brings me some comfort to have a place I can be honest. I feel entirely ALONE right now. Like there is no human being I can really just be myself and speak my truth to. I get the feeling when I'm as honest as possible, it's still not the truth because I have clouds of fear rippling through me that I can't be rid of all at once. God made me this way and I am sooo tired of apologizing for myself. Still, I don't know how not to when the second after I utter something, it sounds like nonsense. Should I stand tall with pride? I almost don't want to talk to anyone, it feels excruciating and embarrassing, yet then, I seem to feel worse. A lot of people seem to appreciate my honesty, but I can't control when those people pop up and let me know they're glad I'm around.

I surrender it to God, right now. Again.

was thinking about trying one of those vipassana retreats sometime, perhaps just because I felt dirty after being criticized by a man who seemed to feel sorry for me, yet his face looked frozen and fast asleep. my heart hurts.

On a positive note, I channeled johrei for a sick friend who is usually bedridden, and after 2 days, she was out and about running errands all day. Good to remind myself this, and of the fact that people keep buying me gifts and giving me money out of nowhere, because my brain is manufacturing all sorts of fear that I've been kidding myself into faith that I'm on the right track, that I'm gonna end up dying a humiliating death at any moment, disappointing anyone who ever loved me.


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