And One by JeSuisButterfly .....

Dido: I just want to feel/Safe in my own world/ ~.Honestly OK.~

Date:   6/19/2006 12:18:03 PM ( 15 y ago)

Yeah so, I'm jealous he has a family. How childish of me to desire attention so much. Don Miguel Ruiz teaches that we learn to struggle for attention at such great lengths because those that name themselves to be authorities - teachers, parents, older brothers and sisters, members of the church, ect. - demand our sole attention and obedience when we are children. The Reward and Punishment system fosters that .. whether we are being punished or rewarded, we're still receiving attention, which grows to be insatiable as we progress in life.

This morning I learned his former wife is quitting her job, which means my roommate will have to go to her house nearly every night to watch the children. She has said a few things about me which have hurt me, but I shouldn't take anything personally, even compliments.

Because of my psychotic/neurotic/whateveryoucallit jealousy.. envy, insert_word_here, and the fact I'm too empathetic and I care about peoples' well-being too much, I've decided to take further actions in my life. Nono and I sleep in seperate beds, and we've been doing so for awhile. Now I don't desire anymore hugging, touching, 'I love you's.. no idle chatting, no conversations unless it's about business or something useful to learn.

I want to throw myself into work so I can move where I desire to. I want to be basically invisible in this household. Or, as don Juan puts it, 'Unavailable'. I choose not to interact with people in this family anymore. -Just.Work-

I desire to be as a Hunter and touch upon everything lightly. Even other people.. making myself scarce.

Maybe I'm just doing this because I'm bitter that I feel as if I have no family? Maybe I'm jealous because my childhood wasn't idealistic? I don't know, I honestly don't. I've asked Soul dozens of times why I am so irritable and angry and the thought of children and family, and I think I keep missing the answer. Maybe my choices above are also infantile, but it feels the best at the moment [even though the negativity from these choices are rather strong. :/]

The biggest wasp I've ever seen is fluttering right by me on the window, trying to get out through the glass...


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