committment revisited by ren .....

homework from rawfood bootcamp I want to share

Date:   5/8/2006 5:20:38 PM ( 15 y ago)

Well I had typed up a long answer to my homework assignment but here it is distilled down into the nut of it. I'm scared sh*tless because going 100% raw will force me to deal with my emotional issues of body image and abuse. I am getting the same feelings I had in Air Force bootcamp. The real military bootcamp started turning up all kinds of emotions and I bolted from my flight(as many female recruits did!). I'm scared of letting go of my comfort foods because I'm afraid I won't have energy to work or clean the house or deal with my family with the wedding coming up. I'm afraid to look good because it brings too many attention to me and thus makes me remember all my abuse. Strangely enough, the only person that can pay unlimited amounts of attention to me and I love it is my fiance. Maybe I'm afraid of gaining back the weight. The last time I gained back the weight I lost was because I met a man on the internet who I thought loved me, when in fact, he just was interested in sex. Hence, I took that as confirmation of my inherent ugliness and descended into a depression over being fat and not a blonde,blue eyed beauty in other words, it's not so much being blonde, it's being pretty enough to attract guys. I don't hate on those girls anymore because they are pretty to look at and I'm not denying any woman their beauty because of my own poor self esteem (I got that from Tony Zavasta's book). I'm showing this homework to my fiance because he supports me in my food habit changes but I've never revealed any of my serious attempts to him OR what I really feel about food.

I see myself standing at the edge of a great abyss. The abyss is a profound mystery and I really want to jump, take that leap of faith. Reminds me of those scenes in movies when someone is standing at the edge of a cliff and their foot barely does anything but knocks some pebbles over. That's what I feel like right now.


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