collective sanity by #94544 .....

Waiting is the hardest part

Date:   2/11/2010 6:14:59 AM ( 7 y ago)

Worked hard yesterday. Jogged in snow shoes on my lunch hour. My co workers thought I was on drugs in the early day. I was truly not operating and thinking with all cylinders. It is crazy how it feels like my brain shuts parts down just so that I can keep going and not feel the full extent of the pain I'm in. I remember this happening for the first year my son died every single day. I was in a fog, couldn't process information, couldh't think - literally. People would ask me questions and my response was absolutely delayed. I would get the most rude responses when I would stare blankly after a question was asked. People would treat me like I was truly just plain stupid and patronize me, speak more slowly, use sarcasm that seemed to say "come on stupid, it's an easy question". Nice. Yesterday people would talk to me and I just couldn't reach through the fog and respond. I was shut down.

So, the jog was short but I could feel my abs afterward. I was beginning to come out of it and wake up. I just prayed and dragged myself through it as I would a friend in trouble. "Come on, not much further. You can do it."

My focus was to just be as loving to others as I needed myself to be toward myself. I did not hide behind anger, shame or remorse. I just opened myself to others and accepted what they may or may not have seen in front of them.

The book study last night was nourishing for me. I was so tired there and back. I drove two hours there and back for a one hour book study. I just did what I knew would feed me when I was starving. My car has 206,000 miles on it and my tank was almost empty. I just did what I had to do.

So, I did one inventory item last night before bed. Then, face and teeth - check. Not bad. I'm in that commitment. Made a huge egg and cheese sandwich for today's lunch and dinner.

Alarm went off at 5. Made coffee, opened bills and paid one. Damn. I'm on a roll. Just keep f*cking going is all I can say. Just keep going, girl.

Read that 'waiting is the hardest part of recovery' in my book this morning. I waited it out yesterday to feel better and it is coming. Thank God. Imagine how I would've not seen the other side today had I acted on those feelings to just end the pain somehow. I truly could not fathom feeling better it was so dark. I just knew that even though I couldn't feel relief, it was different before so it'll get different again. I just have to wait. I am truly frightened. And to think, this is a step up from where I was. Instead of one step from death one year ago, I am three steps from death. I wish that I were anyone else but me. I have to be me. I heard myself saying before I woke up fully this morning "I hate my life, I hate myself." That's one hell of a subconscious mantra. I've had it for decades as far as I know. So I said the exact opposite as soon as I realized what it was I was saying to myself.

I absolutely hate parts of me. How to change them? Just focus on the good parts and strengthen them. The others will just have to take care of themselves.

"waiting is the hardest part of recovery"

Veganism is but a brief flicker on the horizon, but it's there. I'm getting closer. March 21? It might be too soon to go there. We'll see. It just might be the jump through the invisible wall my son's death has me hiding behind. I love that boy. That's all I know.


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