A bit of honesty - my history battling EDs
reassessing my priorities...
Date: 9/28/2006 12:07:10 PM ( 16 y ) ... viewed 2746 times
Well today was HARD. Am so lucky as I didn't have to go to work today. But I was running back and forth from the loo for the first half of the day. My tummy kept grumbling and my headache didn't lift. I honestly thought I might binge on the oat crackers and sultanas and all the other food that has been eyeing me up from my shelf.
But I posted on the raw foods board for help(that place really is a godsend, I think I would have failed already if it wasn't there) and something one of the members said really struck me - about the power of the mind.
It's time to be honest and the reason I started this MC was to lose weight. End of. I went travelling this summer and ended up losing about half a stone (7lbs) due to a tummy bug. I then got freaked out when I got better and started eating 'normally' and because we were still on holiday, we were eating out ALL THE TIME. So I started bingeing and purging. I guess I should mention now that I have had bulimia pretty much on and off since I was about 12 and I had a nasty bout of anorexia in my teens.
Then it got me thinking. After this cleanse, there may be hope to rebuild a healthy relationship with food again. Part of my mind thinks that and is hopeful but also I can't help but think that a part of me is using this cleanse to exhibit my eating disordered behaviour. I mean, I can't help but feel that (unhealthy?) happy feeling when I lose the inches.
Plus I know my mother (who knows about my bulimia but had the uncomfortable parental reaction as opposed to the understanding reaction - that said, how could she understand?) would be absolutely mortified if she knew what I was doing... which makes me feel like I'm doing something wrong. That said, I know that plenty of people out there are disapproving just because they are ignorant.
I don't know... it's difficult to say. I don't actually know if I'm doing a GOOD or BAD thing to both my body and mind? Time will tell.
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